7.11.2019

Our First Goodbye.

We knew we were entering a world of "goodbyes" when we became a foster family.
We knew they would be difficult, for when you say goodbye to someone you love, they carry a piece of your heart with them when they go.
It is not like losing someone to death.
But it is - a loss.

It has been an interesting internal struggle for me because the thought of giving up a foster baby evokes the same kind of emotion I felt when Matthew died.
I remember walking into the hospital room, seeing the baby bassinet, and weeping because I knew he would never be lying inside of it.
There were so many "nevers." I would never hear him cry, never nurse him, never hear him say, "Mommy."

Last night, in the quiet of the evening, my mind began thinking those same things about Baby L.
I will never see her standing in her crib in the morning, reaching for me to come and get her.
I will never get to hold her again.
I will never again see her gorgeous smile.
Hear her laugh.
Feel her hugs.
See her legs swinging from the highchair.
Hear her squealing with glee while splashing in the bathtub.
I will never look down at her anxious face as she reaches for me to pick her up, hold her, and quiet her fears.

She is gone.

And this is exactly how it is supposed to be.

The ache in my heart means I loved her well.
It would not hurt if I did not love.
Loving someone else's child is what we signed up for.
And I will do it again and again and again until there are no more babies who need a piece of my heart.

I thought we were going to be used to change the lives of each baby that entered our home, but the truth is - they are changing ours. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

This is the song that was playing when I brought Baby L home, and it is as fitting today, as I mourn the loss of her tiny footsteps in our house, as it was when I held her in my arms for the first time.


You give life, You are love
You bring light to the darkness
You give hope, You restore
Every heart that is broken

Great are You, Lord

It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
To You only

You give life, You are love
You bring light to the darkness
You give hope, You restore
Every heart that is broken

Great are You, Lord

It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
To You only

All the earth will shout
Your praise
Our hearts will cry
These bones will sing
Great are You, Lord

It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
To You only

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