It's only Tuesday, and this has been a hard week.
Very few words have escaped my lips, other than what was necessary.
This morning a friend asked me a simple question in a text, "How are you?" My response, "On a scale of 1-10 ... I am a 2."
An hour later I was sitting in the parking lot of Costco with a van full of six enthusiastic children under the age of 9, waiting for Caleb. I was tired, frustrated, sad, conflicted, and worn.
One of my favorite worship songs began playing on the radio, and I laughed. Of course the Lord would let this song play right now!
I turned up the volume, let my head fall back onto the headrest, sang with the artist, and cried.
Not hard, not long (remember the six children?), but enough.
Enough to release the pressure that had been building since Sunday.
Caleb returned and we moved to our destination - the park - to meet dear friends.
The kids scattered throughout the playground, and I sat at a table alone, staring into the distance, and thinking. I kept humming the melody of the song on the radio, meditating on the truths of the lyrics.
Oh, Lord. What a mess. I am overwhelmed, I feel like a failure in so many areas, I am not sure where to start repairs and what to leave undone, I see a mountain of needs in front of me while I grasp a child's plastic shovel ... unable to make even a dent in the side, and I know that no matter how hard I try - how much energy and time and effort I throw at any of these things - it will never be enough because it is all done in MY power. MY strength. MY intelligence. MY plans.
But that is not how it is supposed to be. I know that. And yet, here I am, in the 'depths of despair' wondering how in the world I am going to figure it all out.
Lord - help me! I need You. I know I need You, but I honestly don't even know where to start. Which room needs to be cleaned first? What needs to go? What needs to be brought in? Help me, Lord. Make everything clear.
When I listen to this song, when I read the lyrics - I come undone. It is what I want. Rest - grace - holiness - HOPE. Not in myself, but in You.
Why do I stray so easily, Lord? If I KNOW You are all I need, why do I go looking for satisfaction, contentment, and peace in other places? Why would a person do that?!?
I don't want to be that person, Lord. I want to echo the Psalmist who declares that You are his cup and his portion - forever.
Help me, Lord! You are a faithful, gracious, loving, steadfast God who never gives up on His children. I have given You sufficient reason to give up on me more than once - yet You never do - because You PROMISE You will not. "I will never leave you or forsake you." It is YOUR promise, Lord. Thank You that when I am faithless You remain faithful, for You cannot deny Yourself.
Here I am. Confessing my sin, confessing my pride, and confessing my need for You.
I need You. More than anything or anyone else. So, please ... teach me how to surrender fully, trust completely, and lean wholly on You.
As a wife, a mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter.
I have tried to do all of it on my own, and I can't. It is pride and pride alone that made me think I ever had a chance.
Forgive me, Lord. Take over, and show me how it's done.
I may not be as ready as I think I am - but I am willing.
Take me as I am, but please don't leave me that way!
I pray this with a childlike faith and a desire to increase it a thousandfold ... Amen.
My friend arrived and the Lord used her sweet spirit and calming manner to pull me out of my melancholy state, gain perspective, shake off the fog that had settled over me, and find a reason to smile.
He knew what I needed before I did - and He met that need.
Because that's the kind of God He is.
Lord I Need You