Though surprised by the timing, the news was not unexpected.
My mother had breast cancer when I was in college.
My grandmother had ovarian cancer.
I have always known my body fits the high-risk category for female cancers.
As I listened to the technician explain what she was looking for, what it meant, and what needed to happen if the mass was solid rather than a cyst, I knew I had two choices:
Trust the Lord with the unknown.
Or turn to fear.
Until that moment, my eyes had been fixed on the computer screen.
Now, they were staring at a beautifully lit image of wild pink tulips on the ceiling.
As I stared at those flowers, I took a deep breath and said,
"Lord, I have to choose if I am going to trust You!
I cannot wait until I have a diagnosis and then choose to trust.
It starts now.
You are not a purposeless God.
Whether this is nothing, or if it is cancer, there is a reason.
I have to trust You.
I have to trust You.
And I will not get off of this table until this is settled!
I want to walk away fully surrendered to You - good or bad - able to praise You regardless of the outcome.
And Lord? If I DO have cancer, I will have pink tulips in my house every week to remind me that I surrendered all to You!"
I did get off of that table - with a mind and heart so peaceful it was ridiculous.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4
I thought about those wild tulips for days.
And then I thought, "Hey! Why would I only set up a floral Ebenezer if I have cancer? Why can't I have a tangible reminder of my surrender now? In the waiting?"
I had just resolved this in my mind when scarcely two hours later a friend stopped by with a gift.
Pink tulips, with a card that read, "Praying for you, friend!"
(I think the Lord spends a lot of time smiling when He sees His children enjoying His gifts!)
I wasn't sure where to put them until I walked into our bedroom and saw the frame I keep on my dresser.
Every day I see these flowers and read this verse.
And every night I lay my head on my pillow praising God for BEING God, because He is able to give a peace that makes no sense and cannot be explained, but can be thoroughly embraced - and enjoyed.
Today I had my biopsy.
In a week, I will have the results.
Nothing? Something? Good? Bad? It doesn't matter!
He is God.
I am not.
So I will wait.
And I will trust.