9.13.2015

Speaking truth - instead of hiding.

Yesterday was a hard day.
I am fighting a battle within ... a battle which appears to be unending.
And I am tired.
But I cannot give in, no matter how weary and worn I may be, because if I do - I lose the war.
And losing the war is not an option.

So I sit.
In the fatigue.
In the frustration.
In the faith-building hours, days, and weeks - of waiting.
Oh, the waiting.
So many unknowns. How long must I sit here? Will I have to wait alone, or will others come to comfort me? What is the Lord doing? What are His plans? How hot will the fire have to be to purge the dross from my flesh so I can look more like Him?
Funny how God doesn't answer any of these questions while we are IN the process, but reveals details when the work is complete.

Wait.
Be still.
Have faith in the unseen.
TRUST.
Control has no place in any of these ... only surrender. Surrender to a God who sees all things, including the hearts of those who belong to Him. He does what He will, and His ways are not our ways.
There is something both satisfying and terrifying in that statement, isn't there?
I WANT to belong to a God who is powerful, perfect, and fully in control.
I also want to know who, what, when, where, why and how.
But the two cannot co-exist.
Only one of us can be God.
It's not me.

So I continue to sit.
Wait.
Be still.
Exercise faith.
Trust.

But in His goodness the Lord does not leave me sitting alone.
First, because He promises NEVER to leave me or forsake me.
Second, He has provided a family - brothers and sisters in Christ - to speak words of truth and LIFE into a tired and burdened heart.
Today He sent me five siblings to do just that.
Even though I know how my God works, and how quickly He works, I was still amazed.

Yesterday, without thinking much about it, I posted a heartfelt thought/question/emotion on social media.
The gist was this: I want to be a godly wife and a godly mother, but I cannot do it by myself. Does anyone feel the same way? Does anyone else need encouragement? Accountability? Because I DO!
And then I signed off. To be honest, I could have ended my post with, "From a sister who feels like she is drowning and really doesn't want to, Michelle."

This morning I had just stepped inside the sanctuary door when a sweet woman looked me in the eye and said, "I want to talk to you about your post."
"Post?"
"Yes, the one about motherhood and needing help."
"Oh."
She talked. She listened. She understood. She 'got it.' Then she asked me to meet her for coffee.

As I was moving toward the youth room for second service, I said hello to a close brother who asked, "How are you?" Time froze for a second as I decided whether I would speak truth to him, or tighten my mask of "fine." I spoke truth.
He asked for more, and my eyes filled with tears as I shared a very brief, and incoherent, account of my current state of being. I thanked him for listening, he said he would pray for me - and then DID. Right there at the door.

After second service, a friend asked if anyone had responded to my post - because she DOES feel as I do. We talked about what "helping each other" would look like.

At home I decided to hop back on the social media site and found a heartfelt note waiting for me. A sister who also desires to be a godly wife and mother, and is willing to meet me where I am so we can mutually encourage one another. How her words refreshed my soul!

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Hebrews 10:24, 25

My brother and sisters lived out this passage for me today.
Willingly.
Joyfully.
Because they love me.
And because I was willing - to ask for help.

How easy it would have been to go to church, slap on a smile, pretend I was fine, and say nothing about the inner turmoil of my heart.
For what purpose?
I would have left feeling just as forlorn as when I arrived.
No, no, NO!
Vulnerability.
Transparency.
Authenticity.
TRUTH.
This is what I desire from others - so this is what I must offer.
Even when it would be easier to hide.

Thank You, Lord, for providing exactly what I needed before I even knew that I did.
You are so faithful. In all things. In all ways. Day after day.
Thank You.

No comments: