These are the words that describe me at this very moment.
And what I keep clinging to is the beautiful truth that while these words describe me, they do not DEFINE me.
Emotions are good. Even the hard ones. God created emotion. He intended for us to use them ... feel them ... express them. But He did not intend for us to be controlled by them.
I feel pressed in on all sides. Motherhood - Homeschooling - Relationships - Marriage - Ministry. And there is only one reason for this pressure ...
the Lord is doing a critical work in me. Necessary. Purposeful. Productive.
This knowledge does not make the conviction easier, or the pain lessen, but it does give me hope that when He is finished holding me over the refining fire I will come forth looking much less like me - and much, much more like Him.
Is it worth it? Absolutely. But the process can feel as though it will last forever. I sometimes question if I can even endure to the end. I WANT to endure. I WANT to be made stronger and more Christ-like. And it is in these moments that I recognize how weak I really am. But my weakness forces me to remember the beautiful promise in Scripture ...
But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
II Corinthians 12:9-11 (emphasis mine)
Isn't that exactly where we need to be? At the end of ourselves, unable to "do" anything, fully surrendered to the God who calls us to come and rest in Him?
If I was omnipotent, able to control every detail of life, I would not need an all-powerful God.
If I was omniscient, able to know everything past, present, and future - I would not need an all-knowing God.
If I was omnipresent, able to be everywhere and with everyone I chose to be with - I would not need a God who consumes the universe with His holy presence.
I am just Michelle.
Powerless in my own strength.
Unable to control or change one other human in the world.
And yet ... as a daughter of the KING I am able to rest in, trust, seek out, and find comfort in a limitless, powerful, and infinite God who CHOOSES to love me, because it is His nature to love.
He does not need me to perform for Him. Nor does He want me to perform!
He does not need my talents, skills, or strengths to accomplish His will.
He does not need my input, my counsel, or my opinions to design a sunset, draw someone to salvation, or change the course of rulers on their thrones.
My God, the maker of heaven and earth, the One who calls the stars by name, and numbers every hair on my head ...
the God who parted the Red Sea, raised people from the dead, healed the blind, and made the lame walk ...
the God who sent His only Son to die for the sins of mankind so they might accept the free gift of salvation purchased by Christ's blood ...
the God who spoke the universe into existence and created man in His image ...
this same God
One woman, in one city, in one state, in one country, in the entire world.
But what strikes me as the most profound is not His love for me ... but His DESIRE for me.
He WANTS me.
He PURSUES me.
He REJOICES over me!
Not because of anything I do ...
but because of who I AM.
And tonight, as I wrestle through the intense emotions and hurts and struggles that He is forcing me to observe, consider, and change ...
I am so glad
I am His.
For this God is our God for ever and ever;
He will be our guide even to the end. Psalm 48:14