I choose to praise!

2012 is coming to a close.

A new year will begin.

But what is a 'new year'?  Each day simply rolls into the next regardless of the number on the calendar.  Joys, trials, disagreements, healing, restoration ... none of them understand dates or times.

2012 was full ~ of LIFE!

2013 will be no different.

Living

Dying

Joy

Sorrow

Firsts

Lasts

Marriages

Babies

Graduations

New friendships

Hardships

Trials

Sickness

Healing

Restoration

Love

Laughter

Intimacy

Misunderstandings

Forgiveness

LIFE!

God breathed life into man.

Jesus came to give us abundant life.

I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.  John 10:10

So for this new year ~ 2013 ~ I choose to LIVE.

For one reason.

It will not always be easy, but it is my desire ...

Let me live that I may praise You! Psalm 119:175

Thank You, Lord, for a year filled with life.  But I thank You more that You offer live everlasting for those who believe in You and accept the free gift of salvation that is ours because You gave up Your only Son to die on a cross ... for our sins ...  because of Your infinite mercy ... when we deserved nothing.

I have no idea what this new year will hold, but I know that whatever we face, we will not face it alone, because You have promised never to leave us or forsake us.  I love You, Lord, but I want to love You more.  I know You, but I want to know You more.  Show me how, Lord.  Show me how to live every day ~ so that regardless of my circumstances, I WILL praise You!

Happy New Year!

My award should arrive any day.

Christmas morning.

I tell my sons that they need to wear dress shirts, jeans, and dress shoes since it is a holiday dinner, and we are going to be taking family photos, so I would like them to look nice.  They say, "Yes, Mom" and move on with their activities for the day.

It is now time to get ready.  I am fully dressed, hair and make-up done, jewelry attached, ready to assist everyone else.

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Let the complaining begin!!

"Why do we have to dress nice?  It's just family!"  "I HATE wearing button up shirts, they always choke my neck."  "I only have blue shirts, I am SICK of wearing blue.  Can't I just wear my red polo shirt?"  "Samson chewed my shoe lace so I have to wear tennis shoes!"  There was yelling, there were tears, and I believe I ended the dramatic scene with the very intelligent and mature statement, "FINE!  You can all just wear your swim trunks and look like idiots for the photos!  How about that?!?!?"

And then, like all mature people do, I went into my room and slammed the door.  Then locked it.  I sat on our bed playing my favorite ipad game, trying to think of a clever way to get my point across to my sons without yelling.  I was in there a loooong time.  The boys were hiding in their bedroom afraid to exit, the littles were playing with their new toys, and Dennis was getting ready.  He laughed as I recounted the earlier drama and asked how he could help.  I still did not have the clever solution I was searching for, so I asked if he would just let them stew in their room for a while.  "No problem!"  About 15 minutes later a folded paper was slipped under my door  - a note filled with apologies, remorse, and a request for a pair of dress socks.  (this is already in the 'save' box)  I sat for a few more minutes, still thinking and then BAM!  I had it!

I took off my nice clothes, and exchanged them for a pair of D's workout shorts, one of his workout shirts that is way too big for me, put on white socks, stuck my hair up in a clip, walked into the living room and announced, "Let's go!"  Dennis laughed out loud and just shook his head at me, while the boys looked at me in horror.  I heard Micah whisper, "Is she wearing THAT?"  But, it was short lived.  They all got into the van, ready to go see their grandparents and cousin more than worry about my outfit.  Except for Luke.  Like me, he HATES being embarrassed, so it was more than he could bear to see me looking like I did.  He came back into the house and hovered for a minute before looking at me sternly as he said, "Mom, you need to change into appropriate attire."  "Why?  I am more comfortable in these clothes and I don't want to take pictures anymore.  Who cares what I look like?"  He shook his head and walked out.

Dennis grinned the entire drive to my parents house and when I entered the house my mother and sister both looked at me like I was insane.  I quickly explained it to my sister and asked her to "play it up' with me.  I corralled everyone outside to take our photos.  (we were in public mind you - on a pretty busy street in my parents front yard)  I stood sulking and pouting, Dennis kept giving rabbit ears and making obnoxious poses, all while my sister is saying things like, "Wow, this is a great photo.  MOST of you look good."  "Man, I would be embarrassed if my mom looked like that!"  It was fantastic!!!

After the last photo, I pulled the boys over to me and asked, "What are you thinking right now?" They all looked at me with sullen faces and replied, "We are embarrassed."  "Why?"  "Because of the way you look."  "Hmmm.  So you expect ME to look nice and well put together when we go to a nice event, but you think you should get to look sloppy and make no effort for the family?  Do you see what I am trying to show you guys?"  "Yes.  We are sorry, Mom."  RESTORED.

I handed the camera to my brother-in-law so he could take the grandparent/grandchildren photos while Dennis and I changed into our real clothes, (the boys did not know we had them) and we joined them a few minutes later looking festive and well-dressed.  Peace reigned in our family once again.

I am sure this will not be the last time I hear grumbling and complaining over clothing and proper attire for an event, but I am pretty confident that the next time I come out of my room dressed in workout clothes, my boys will see them and remember the horror of Christmas Day 2012 and run with great speed to adorn themselves in appropriate clothing  - without uttering a word.

I expect my Mother of the Year Award to arrive any day.

My littles are getting BIG!

I cannot believe my Ellie is 2-1/2 years old.  Though I can hardly remember life without her, it seems as if I just found out the Lord had created a daughter in my womb.  She is a strong little blond, but boy does she make me smile and draws out a tenderness in me that I was not aware I even possessed.  She was our last baby, and every milestone for her becomes more precious because she is our last.  I am so thankful for my daughter ... and oh, how I love her!

Isaiah is the child that can easily be forgotten until he gets hurt, wants food, or a hug, because from the moment he wakes up he is in his own little world.  He plays by himself, talks to himself, and creates kingdoms out of Lego's and Hot Wheels.  I love his smile and his gorgeous blue eyes, and he gives some of the best hugs!  It seems like he has been little forever, but I know that as soon as I blink he will be graduating from kindergarten, no longer my 'little guy.'  How sweet Isaiah is!

Josiah, Josiah, Josiah.  This boy captured my heart from the moment he was born - with his round head and huge eyes.  He is every bit the strong child and the observer, and I am confident that like King Josiah of the Bible, our Josiah will do something great for the Kingdom of God.  He is funny, dramatic, intense, passionate, silly, relentless, and extreme ... but the Lord designed him and has a plan for each of his strengths and weaknesses.  He drives me crazy most days, but oh how much I love him!

I have to walk first.

Micah, Luke, and Caleb.

Boys.

Full of energy and opinions and ideas.

Individual talents and skills and distinct personalities.

Wanting to be big and grown up and enjoy privileges,

but still little boys at heart who play with Lego's and want to be hugged.

They used to be so small ... 

small enough to hold in my arms.

and satisfied to stay there.

Now, they are taller, stronger, faster, and full of desires and interests that go beyond being near me.

But with their pursuit of independence and freedom,

they still want me.  

They still need me.

And I need them.

We battle.  We fight.  We apologize.  We forgive.

And then we do it again.

We love.  We laugh.  We talk.  We pray.

And we do it again.

Micah, Luke, and Caleb.

Boys.

Boys who want to be men.

Boys who are not yet ready to be men.

Boys who were created in the image of a God who has a purpose for each of them ... a God who will continue to perfect them ... In His time ... in His ways.

I cannot control them any more than I can control the wind,

but I can continually funnel their hearts and minds through the truths of Scripture, training them in righteousness, comparing their attitudes and passions with the words of the Lord, teaching them how to die to self and live for Christ ... but do to this, I must live it first.  And that is where I see my inadequacies and my sincere, inarguable need for a very gracious, merciful, compassionate God who knows their needs better than I do ~ and who can meet every one.

Micah, Luke, and Caleb. 

My sons.

How blessed I am.

And how humbled I am to know that the Lord trusted me ... chose me ... purposed me to be their mother.  Mothers and sons - a relationship designed by the omnipotent Creator - because He wants us together for such a time as this.  I do not know what I am doing most of the time, but I do know what my goal is ...

to raise my sons to become MEN who love the Lord with everything they are.

Uncompromising.

Strong.

Faithful.

Compassionate.

Loyal.

Gentle.

Fun.

Understanding.

And completely sold out for Jesus Christ.

I want to see my children walking in truth ...

So I must walk first.

Because He loved us.

For God so loved the world ...

He GAVE

His only Son

that whosoever believes in Him

should not perish

but have everlasting life.

Without the Cross,

the manger is just a box.

Without the manger,

the Cross is just a tree.

Together,

they changed the world.

Forever.

For God so loved the world,

He gave His only Son ...

 He was wounded for our transgressions,

He was bruised for our iniquities;

The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,

And by His stripes we are healed.

For God so loved the world ...

Christmas brings lots of smiles!

These nights are good for us.

Every December we keep at least one weekend night open each week to stay home and spend time alone as a family.  If we are not careful, we could easily fill up our entire month with parties, outings, and nights of friends, laughter, and food.  While all of these thing are both tempting and wonderful, they also produce tired, crabby (and usually sick) members of the Eastman family.  I believe it was about three years ago that we put the brakes on and committed to keeping the December calendar equally balanced - half of it for festivities and fun - the other half for simple, quiet nights at home as a family.  And thus far, it has served us well and allowed for relaxing weeks leading up to Christmas.

Tonight was one of those nights!  A couple of late afternoon errands completed together, In-N-Out drive thru for dinner, showers, pajamas, rearranging furniture to watch a Christmas classic on the wall, hot apple cider ... these nights are good - for all of us!

Family life really is ~ A Wonderful Life!

I will win the war!

I just lost a battle with the enemy.  Not because I was in sin, or even let my guard down, but because there is this one tiny area of my life that rarely gets exposed, or even acknowledged, so when the enemy creeps in to attack me, I am completely caught off guard, and even confused until I figure out what just happened.

I am a low maintenance wife.  I do not need a lot of time or attention to feel loved.  I do not need gifts and vacations and date nights to feel special.  I do not even need a lot of words!  When Dennis gets the oil changed in the van so I do not have to sit in a cramped waiting room with six kids, I feel loved. When he washes dishes on a Saturday morning so I wake up to a clean and empty sink, I am happy! When he bathes and pajamas the littles and puts them to bed, I am a contented woman.  Truly - these are things that make me respect and enjoy my husband.  I have always been this way, and he continually thanks me for being a wife who is easy to please and, keep happy.

I did not recognize it when we were first married, but the longer we were together and the more I watched how other couples function, I was thrilled to see that the Lord knew what He was doing when He worked out this detail for us.  If I did need a lot of attention and time and conversation with my spouse, I could never have survived our first 17 years of marriage!  Because ... this is what it looked like:

* The first seven years. Dennis was a Varsity Football Coach and was gone six nights a week for practice, games, and film breakdown/scouting.  He was working two jobs: a full-time high school teacher, and an ER Tech about four nights a month to supplement our income.  When he was home he was either grading papers or planning lessons.  He was working on his teaching/credential and Master's degree, so that took him out of the house one night a week for class and the rest of the week found him either reading or writing for that class.  We had one child.
* The next seven years.  My groom was still teaching full time and eventually moved into an administration role on top of that.  He was privileged to become an adjunct professor at Biola, teaching one-two classes per week, which supplemented our income and allowed me to stay home with our children.  He was then grading and preparing for his high school students, and his college students.  He stepped down from his coaching role, but in order to keep his salary the same he became the Head Strength Coach for all of the sports teams at the high school.  And, this is when he began working on his PhD (which we later learned is an acronym for "Please honey, Don't!") and took one class a semester for the next five years, which required a ton of reading and writing.  We now had three children.
* The next three years.  Dennis was asked to become a Principal of an inner city school and spent three years wearing about 42 hats, most of which looked horrible on him.  These three years proved to be the most intense training he ever experienced in education, and he saw his strengths and weaknesses with crystal clarity.  To this day he believes he would never have been chosen as the Director of Teacher Education at Biola without his experience as a Principal.  The Lord grew him, challenged him, and pushed him farther than he ever thought he could go.  He was still an adjunct professor and writing his dissertation, gone at least two nights a week and writing furiously every other night.  He became Dr. Eastman in 2008.  We now had five sons, and a daughter on the way.
* The last three years.  The Lord took ALL of the past 17 years of hard work, faithfulness, multiple jobs to keep me at home, and what seemed an unending education process, and finally declared, "ENOUGH!"  Dennis received a call from the Dean of the School of Education who sweetly instructed him, "I would like you to apply for this new position."  And nine months later he was hired as The Director of Teacher Education.  Our friends and family cheered and hollered and showered us with affection, but the only thing Dennis cared about?  "I only have ONE JOB!!!!!!!!"  He kept saying that over and over and over.

So what was I doing all this time?  I was eating dinner alone, sitting at every football game, attending every high school dance/concert/play, proof reading his papers, attending Bible studies, watching TV, reading hundreds of books, having babies, running a home, researching homeschooling, teaching our children, leading ministries ... all without feeling neglected or ignored or unloved.  It is what needed to happen.  Would I change some of it?  Sure.  Would I invest my time differently if I had to do it again?  Absolutely.  But it was our 'normal' and we knew that none of it would be 'forever'.

There is a reason I didn't felt neglected or ignored, but that is for another time.  Though the Lord knows I can survive without a ton of attention, or even being the priority at times (in all relationships), there is something I did not know about myself until about year 14 of our marriage.  Are you ready?  I, Michelle Renee Eastman, have, a BREAKING POINT!  It takes a loooong time for me to feel ignored - years, actually - but when I do feel neglected, especially by Dennis, I feel it deeply, and I resent him. And that is when I lost the battle.

He has had an intensely busy semester with his usual duties, an overseas trip, creating a class from scratch which requires hours of research and planning, updating education manuals, and preparing presentations for a second overseas trip in January.  Add in: teaching the junior high youth group, preparing for and teaching the US History Class, discipling, accountability group, raising/discipling six children, and loving his wife.  His days are FULL and he has to work really hard to keep his priorities in the right order, and as I always do ... I push him to meet the needs of our children (especially the older boys) and his own, before I even mention mine.

And then I had a dream that brought up one of the most difficult trials of our marriage, and I woke up completely befuddled and confused and wondering why in the world THAT had to come back to haunt me?  I am not an every-dream-has-a-meaning kind of person but I do not dismiss them either.  I spent a couple of days really thinking about, and praying through, the "why" of that dream until it became clear - I was MAD at him!  Which lead to, "Why am I mad at him?", which eventually found me at the feet of the Savior seeking wisdom, and resolution.

And that is where the enemy found a crack to sneak in and catch me.  I could FEEL him taunting me ... I thought you didn't NEED attention, Michelle?   I thought you could be at the bottom of the list forever and never say a word?  What happened to being a low maintenance wife?  You seem pretty needy to me right now! ... and I wanted to scream, "SHUT UP, and leave me alone!!!"  But there was a layer of truth in his taunts.  I have been feeling neglected this last month, and Dennis and I have talked about it.  I walked away feeling resolved because I am confident in my husband's love for me and I know I am important to him.  But - I was doing what I have always done - shutting off.  If I flip the switch and turn off all emotion, I can get through the next few weeks until things go back to normal.  But that's the thing - there is no promise of normal!  There is no promise of tomorrow!  So all I am really accomplishing is finding a way to hide my resentment towards my husband - which is deceit - and sin.  Satan found a tiny crack in my armor that rarely affects me.  But when he poked in that spot, he got me good, and I allowed him to put distance between me and my groom in the guise of "protecting my heart" when what I should have been doing was clinging tightly to Dennis, praying for him, encouraging him, and trusting the Lord to work out the details.  Instead, I was quiet, sullen, and created a wider gulf between us as each day passed.

Today, I am a new woman.  A new wife.  A forgiven wife.  The Lord made it abundantly clear that I have not been the help meet Dennis needs me to be, and while I have the freedom to share my needs with my groom, I need to trust the Lord to meet my needs FIRST, since He is the only One who truly can ... and then enjoy the love of a man who would give his life for me with a satisfied and contented heart - regardless of the circumstances that surround us.

I lost the battle.

But, heaven help me, I WILL win the war!

What will tomorrow bring?

Everything, and nothing, has been going on in the Eastman home these days.  Does anyone else ever feel like that?

Let's just take a little peek into yesterday, shall we?

~ My vertigo showed up again and kept me from walking in a straight line for almost the entire day.  I am not a fan of the vertigo.

~ Yesterday morning while I was in the post office (my people were in the van waiting for my return because now that Micah is 12, I am legally allowed to leave them while I run into a store - yippee!) my eldest son swallowed two nickels.  How does this happen to a 12-year-old one might ask? Apparently he was jingling money around in his hand and had to cough suddenly.  When he drew in breath to start coughing he smacked the change-filled hand to his mouth, the nickels flew in, and before he could respond - down they went!  You can imagine the look of surprise and wonder when this was reported to me.  Ellie - Isaiah - can totally see it ... but Micah?  He has been known as "Nickel Boy" ever since.  Good grief.

~ Yesterday afternoon, Josiah and Isaiah were playing 'Sliding Socks' (when you put socks on and then slide across a slick wooden floor while screaming and laughing hysterically) when all of a sudden I hear a THUD and then a piercing cry.  Everyone was standing up by the time I turned around, but Isaiah was crying.  I did not see any blood so I told them to be more careful and stepped away.  About three steps in Josiah cries, "Mom!  Isaiah is bleeding on his chin!"  Sure enough - when I tilted his head back there was a lovely X-shaped cut and a puncture wound in the middle of the split. I do not do well with open parts of the body that are supposed to be CLOSED.  Thankfully my groom arrived home less than four minutes later, his training kicked in, and he declared, "It would only need one stitch and there is no way I am sitting in the ER for three hours for one stitch."  Done!  A box of steri-strips and Isaiah was good to go!

~ Our pastor made a reference to an old movie, Shenandoah, which takes place during the Civil War, and just happens to be what we are studying in World History right now.  I ordered it from Netflix and was so excited to have a clean, safe movie for us to watch as a family.  (after the littles were in bed, of course)  It starts out with quite a bit of dry humor, a typical hard-working southern family with varying viewpoints on the war, the father the clear and undisputed patriarch, but then, about half way into the movie, tragedy strikes and the rest of the film is filled with death, murders, thieves who hurt innocent women, etc etc.  None of it is graphic by any means, but sometimes suggestion can be just as powerful.  The redeeming quality for me was that the tragedy pushed the father, who had only gone to church and prayed because his deceased wife made him, to turn to God ... a proud, arrogant, hard, belligerent old man ... finally saw the benefit and need for community, Scripture, and God.  "What man intended for evil, God used for good."

The room was silent as the credits rolled, everyone somber after the closing scene of the movie.  Micah and Luke jumped up, said good night, and left the room, and it was not until then that Dennis and I noticed that Caleb was weeping.  Not crying.  WEEPING.  Dennis held him as he cried and I started asking questions to draw out the reason for the tears.  It took a while and finally I asked, "Caleb, you have seen other battle scenes, and even deaths of characters ... what is it that bothered you so much?"  He sniffed and without moving an inch out of his father's arms he croaked out, "Three of his sons died!!!"  And then it hit me - Caleb is our LITERALIST.  He sees everything as presented - he does not see the smoke and mirrors - just what is there in black and white.  I whispered this fact to Dennis and he got the 'Aha' look in his eyes and then shared with Caleb that these are actors, it did not really happen, they all went home to see their families when the scene was over, etc.

Poor Caleb.  He is just an 8-year-old boy, but sometimes we forget how young he is because he is always with his pre-teen brothers and can totally hold his own with them (he took on his 19-year-old, 6'7" cousin in a wrestling match tonight without the slightest bit of fear thinking he could actually win!) but ... he is still a sweet, innocent little boy who has no idea of the true evil in this world.  No idea.

Dennis and I looked at each other and said "Note to self:  Preview ALL movies regardless of rating, time period, or actors! (Jimmy Stewart plays the lead)  And remember that Caleb is YOUNG!"

I shared this little saga with a friend today, and when I was done she looked at me like I had three eyes and asked, "What were you THINKING?"

~ The night ended on a lighter note with the arrival of a box with the return address from "See's Candies" - which has never happened before!
We opened the package to find a two-pound box of chocolates with a Merry Christmas note from my Dad and step-mom.  Chocolate can always help soothe a burdened soul!

Thankfully, today held much less drama.  Who knows what tomorrow might bring!

They will smile again.

I flipped the switch.  On Friday morning, as I watched the tragedy in Connecticut while standing next to my husband with our jaws dropped .... I turned off my emotions.  It's what I do when I feel overwhelmed.  I am not proud of it.  It is how I have functioned since I was a little girl when I felt powerless and fearful.  Instead of learning how to fight the fear and use emotions for good, I shut them off in order to function, and, to keep from making others feel bad because I was sad.  Now, here I am a 41-year-old woman and I still fall back to the same practice when faced with something that is out of my control.

Friday was a horrific tragedy.  There is no other way to describe it.  The news coverage, articles, facebook comments, and blog posts have been unending since the moment it was announced. Questions, anger, accusations, fear, sadness, shock, horror, disbelief, rage ... all very natural, logical responses.

But as I slowly started to let myself feel over these past few days as I prayed over the events that took place that morning, imagining the thoughts and emotions of the families, letting my mind drift to the promises of Scripture ... I was convicted with the truth that we need to be careful not to minimize the loss of life that happens every day - the losses that occur without drama, or cameras.

grandmothers
fathers
brothers
sisters
mothers
children
husbands
friends
nephews

Their deaths may not make national headlines, but the pain, sorrow, and loss that will surround them over the coming weeks and months are just as great.

We cannot put our human labels of "worse" or "more tragic" on death.  Because to the woman weeping over the coffin of her dead child - it IS her worse.  For the old man clutching the flowers from the funeral service of his beloved bride - it IS his worse.  Death is no respecter of persons.  The sweet 5-year old girl sitting innocently behind her school desk, or the 50-year-old successful businessman who has just learned he has 6 months to live ... both were created by a God who loves them and has a perfect plan for their lives.  Even if we do not agree with it.  Or like it.

As I thought about these families in Connecticut, and of the personal friends who have recently lost loved ones, my mind kept coming back to a startling reality ~ for all of those who hear of a death as they look at the twinkling lights on their tree, and hear holiday music floating through the air ... Christmas is now forever linked with sadness and loss.  Even for the believer there is a momentary eclipse of the glorious light of a tiny baby born in Bethlehem as she is enveloped in her grief and lives out the words of Ecclesiastes - there is a time to mourn and a time to weep.

There is only one tragedy the Lord has ever allowed me to endure ... delivering the lifeless body of our son Matthew.  Yet, even in the midst of the thousands of tears that fell, I knew without a doubt that He was my God - and I could trust Him.  The pain was almost suffocating - the shock of the words "Your baby is gone" - holding his little body knowing there was absolutely nothing I could do to bring him back ... it is impossible to describe.  And these emotions were expressed over a baby boy I never knew.  These families, in Connecticut and in my own church, knew their loved ones.  They knew their smiles, the touch of the their hands, the sound of their voices, and now - they are gone.

We cannot label the level of pain or tragedy of a death.  Every death is devastating to the one who must bear the loss.  For the believer, the God we love and worship and obey is the same God who meets us in our brokenness and despair ... He is the same God who is "near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  And He is the same God who works everything to His glory and to His purposes.  Even when we don't understand.  Even when we don't want to understand.

And for the unbeliever, this is the time we pray fervently that their pain will draw them to the only place where they can find healing - and peace.  At the foot of The Cross, where the Savior is waiting, with arms opened wide, because He is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance. 

Tonight will find countless persons weeping following the last breath drawn by the person they loved with passion and intensity.  And now, as they look into the blackness of night, they wonder if they will ever smile again.  Please, Lord, make Your presence known, and felt, in the hearts of those who are crushed in spirit tonight.  They need You!  Praise You, God, because Your promises are true!

Weeping may last for the night,

but joy comes in the morning.

Psalm 30:5

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.  Psalm 116:15 

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and He will dwell with them. They will be His people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”  Revelation 21

Quote.

"It is easier to build strong children, than to repair broken men."

                                                                               ~ Frederick Douglass

The only kind I ever want to have.

Yesterday a close friend and I had to engage in a very personal conversation to resolve a misunderstanding, and unknown/unmet expectations that caused pain to someone we both care about.

While I waited for her to arrive at our meeting place, I sat gazing into a brilliant blue sky that was clear and flawless after a strong rain, with huge, billowing clouds slowly drifting, blocking out the sun and then letting it peep through once again.  Though we have a solid friendship and I knew we would walk through our conversation confidently and securely, I still had that nervous ache that happens when faced with an intense conversation.  I looked at the sky and prayed, "Lord, You are so BIG.  This situation is but a drop in the ocean compared to all that is happening in the world.  Help me keep the right perspective, and guide our every word.  And, please, let her begin the conversation!" 

She pulled up just a few minutes later, walked over to the bench where I was sitting, sat down, angled her body towards mine and said, "Okay!  We did not know this was going to be our topic of conversation when we originally planned this time together, but it is, so let's go!" 

I love when God cares about the smallest of our heart's desires.

We talked.  For two hours we talked.  And laughed, and confessed sin, and challenged each other. And when we stood up to walk to our cars, we both thanked each other for being a faithful friend who is willing to inflict wounds rather than speak in flattery and foolishness.

A few hours after our time together, I was flipping through a Bible commentary discussing the relationship between Paul and Timothy and found this ... 

True friendship, especially between Christians, can have a fragile side.  On the one hand, one of the reasons for friendship is personal, the need to have someone close with whom to share joys, sorrows and everyday events.  On the other hand, the goal of all truly Christian friendship is growth in Christ on the part of both parties.  And that's the fragile part: how to be gently honest with a friend without jeopardizing the relationship.

I smiled, and thanked the Lord for such a wonderful and tangible description of the friendship I have with this woman.  We had to speak bold truth with one another, admit shortcomings and areas in which we need to grow, express sorrows and hurts ... and we did so without ever jeopardizing our relationship.  And, the Lord used this time to show us one glaring thing that is missing in our friendship - PRAYER.  We talk about the Lord, confess sin, encourage each other in the faith and call out weaknesses in one another ~ effortlessly.  We pray FOR one another. But the one thing we have never done with purpose is go to the Throne of heaven together as sisters in Christ so that we might grow deeper in our intimacy with one another, and with Christ.

I sent her an e-mail this morning expressing this very thing, and she responded with, "Let's change that NOW!!!"  

And so we will.

Biblical Friendship.  The only kind of friendship I ever want to have.

Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend,

But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.

Proverbs 27:5,6

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Real contentment is not comparing yourselves with others,

but comparing yourself with what you deserve.

Amazing love, how can it be?

That Thou, My God should die for me!

A must have for your library!

Oh.my.word.

We have almost 100 audio CD's in our collection and have listened to all of them more than once - some multiple times because they are favorites.

And then - we listened to Focus on the Family's Radio Theater version of Oliver Twist.

Fantastic!
Gripping.
Moving.
Engaging.
Unforgettable.

Whether you have read the novel or not, you must listen to this!  Charles Dickens is one of the best and most beloved English authors, and any doubters will become believers when they listen to this dramatic portrayal of the characters and events he penned almost 200 years ago.

If you are not yet Audio Book enthusiasts, this selection will set you on your way to becoming so!

I was a doubter in the beginning, when Micah and Luke were four and five years old ... I thought they would never sit through a book on tape and actually engage with the author.  But boy was I wrong!  We started in the car (captive audience) and I was both stunned and delighted when I heard the words, "Mom!  Can we listen to our story?" as soon as I started the engine.  And we have been carried away on adventures and intrigue, true stories and fantasy ever since.

Oliver Twist.  A compelling story in ink on paper - but an amazing and captivating tale in the audio version.

In the words of Ferris Bueller:  "If you have the means, I highly recommend you pick one up."

Happy listening!

It never returns void!

Have you ever sat down to read the Word, thinking you knew where you were supposed to be, only to find the Lord drawing you somewhere else ... and it is perfect?  That has been happening to me every day this month.  We have been reading through the Bible for the past two years (it takes a while to explain deep theological concepts to children) and are nearly finished with the New Testament.  I Peter is our current book and it is packed full of Biblical concepts and practical living. (though it seems the older I get I find that EVERY book is full to overflowing!)  We usually read and discuss our current book, and then I read the Proverb of the day - sometimes a Psalm.  But for the last couple of weeks, even when I tried to do something else, I felt a tangible prompting to turn to the Psalms.  Almost like I am physically being forced to do so.  And every single day - each chapter is PERFECT!

I never read just one Psalm.  After being trained in Bible college how to get through the entire book in one month, I have never been able to deviate from that discipline - and I am continually fascinated to see how congruent the five chapters are each day.  There are no accidents in how men laid out the Scriptures!  God's hand was moving among the scribes the entire time.

I am not quite sure what the Lord is doing, but I think He is moving my heart and mind to my theme for 2013 ~ Peace.  He continues to draw me away more - allowing me many quiet nights at home with my husband and children - and then a couple of hours to spend in Scripture reading, prayer, letter writing, and thoughtful contemplation each day - and I find myself craving it all the more.  I still thoroughly enjoy social events, intimate conversations with women, and group activities where laughter reigns supreme ... but this need for quiet, for introspection, for Peace ... continues to grow stronger.  And it is changing me.  And I like it!

There is no way I could copy every single Psalm the Lord has used to quiet my soul and encourage my heart these past two weeks, but there are a few that really cut to my heart and drew me into a tighter communication with the Father.  There is no theme, no clear connection to be seen, and yet, in my mind - they all make perfect sense as a whole.  I think one of my favorite things about being a Christian is having a Bible that is LIVING and ACTIVE.  A truth I learned as a child has been one that has encouraged me and inspired me to keep reading:  Scripture promises that God's Word never returns void!

For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
and do not return there without watering the earth

and making it bear and sprout,

and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;

so shall My word be that goes out from My mouth;

it shall not return to Me empty,

but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,

and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

Isaiah 55:10,11

Thank You, Lord, that You always accomplish what You purpose.  Including - faithfully completing the work You began in me on the day of my salvation.  Oh, Lord, where would I be without You? You are so good.  And You are, absolutely, beyond description.

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The Christian should always be advancing in holiness.

Finally then, brethren, we urge and exhort you in the Lord Jesus that you should abound more and more, just as you received from us how you ought to walk and to please God; for you know what commandments we gave you through the Lord Jesus.  I Thessalonians 4:1,2

Better each year.

Dennis and I had a date night tonight!

But not just any date night - one that included a Christ-focused wedding, dear friends, a beautiful venue, good food, great conversations, and lots and lots of laughter.

It is very rare that we get to enjoy an evening out, so this one was thoroughly enjoyed!

Being honored with an invitation to a wedding is always a precious thing.  Watching the mixture of people who come together to celebrate the union of two people they love ... seeing the personalities of the bride and groom shine through in the creativity and details of the ceremony and reception ... watching the groom's face as his bride walks towards him ... the familiar yet poignant words of the wedding vows recited ... a reminder of what a spiritual commitment marriage is and how our testimony as a married couple preaches the Gospel to the world every time they look at us ... hearing parents and friends share their affection as they toast the new couple ... the first dance ... music ... gorgeous flowers ... the cutting of the cake ... the final goodbye as everyone cheers and shouts congratulations as the bride and groom drive away to begin their life together - as ONE.

Weddings are a beautiful reminder of how much Christ loves His church ... how she is forever protected and safe under His authority and love ... and the very real truth that marriage is supposed to be forever - until death parts us.  Every detail having been planned and carried out by an amazing God who chooses us for one another "for such a time as this" because He has a wonderful, perfect, and Divine plan for His children.

And "I do" is just the beginning.

Tonight was one of our best date nights!  I am so thankful for my groom ~ 19 years of a committed, faithful, loving, secure marriage ~ though not perfect, one that gets better and better as each year passes.

Thank you, Dennis, for loving me just as I am.

I WILL praise the Lord.

Feeling a little beaten up today, I settled wearily on the couch to rest both my mind and my body.  I spent time praying and thinking, and praying again.

After getting up numerous times to meet the needs of my children, I lay down on the couch once more, this time with a copy of Spurgeon's Morning and Evening in my hands, and said, "Speak to me, Lord.  Show me what You need me to see."

And then I opened to this page:

Oh that men would praise the Lord for His goodness, and for His wonderful works to the children of men!  Psalm 107:8

If we complained less, and praised more, we should be happier, 

and God would be more glorified.

It really is that simple.

My perspective must change so that even when I feel downtrodden and weary I may say with total sincerity of heart, 

I will extol the Lord at all times; His praise will always be on my lips.  Psalm 34:1

Forgive my heart of ungratefulness, Lord, because truly, isn't that all sadness and disappointment are ... being upset that we are not getting what we want, or think we need, instead of being thankful for what we HAVE?  I am sorry, Lord.  Forgive me.  I am so sorry.

It costs me nothing, but means everything to him.

Luke Samuel was the final contestant for Night Talks.

Surprisingly, his interview was the shortest and most efficient of the bunch.  He and I tend to have very long discussions due to his, um, creative manner of living life, and the countless difficulties that transpire due to his choices on a daily basis.  Luke is what you would call 'strong-willed.'  I have three of them, but he was the first - the one I cut my teeth on (figuratively speaking) - so the two of us have shared a long and trying relationship these past 11 years.  In fact, I remember one of the worst nights ever, Easter Eve, when he was about three years old.  He was in a raging fit of temper and I was outside his bedroom door holding the knob so he could not leave the room.  Screaming, kicking the door, throwing things, - pure rage was emanating through the hollow door that separated us. (Mind you, I am just as strong and stubborn as he is and from the moment I saw that willful spark in his eye as a baby, I knew I would have to win every battle - every time.  Yielding is not an option with a strong-willed child.  Ever.  They find great security in boundaries.  And once they respect the boundaries, they find great freedom within their walls.)

Anyway.  As I sat outside the door, lest he make his escape, weeping and choking out the words, "WHY, Lord?  Why did you give me this child??  He is exhausting and frustrating and I do not know what I am doing!  I do not know how to be his mother.  Why, Lord?  WHY?"  After about 30 minutes of his emotional display, Luke finally lost the will to fight and fell asleep.

I dragged myself into our room, grabbed my journal and a pen, and flopped on the bed - emotionally exhausted from our latest battle.  I had won, but there was no rejoicing.  I stared at the wall in front of me and kept asking, "Why, Lord?" over and over in my head until - He answered me.  "Michelle, you are asking the right question, the wrong way.  Instead of asking 'why me' as if I am punishing you or trying to torture you, you need to ask 'why me' in order to find the reason I put the two of you together.  Because daughter, it was done with purpose!  I CHOSE Luke for you!  And I chose you for HIM!  You need each other, and if you will let Me, I will show you the 'why' - from My perspective.  Surrender your son to me, Michelle, and trust Me to do My will."

And I did.  I still had days when I felt defeated, inept, and like I wanted to throw my shoe at him, but I never took his emotions or rages personally.  I saw him as he was - a sinner who needed love and correction and a Savior.  And instead of feeling like the Lord gave me the most difficult child ever living, I changed my perspective and my thinking to:  The Lord wants me to raise this boy and has trusted me to keep him on the right path.  It is absolutely exhausting to chase him down the wrong turns he continually makes and bring him back again - but - if I do not fight for him now, I will lose him to his foolishness later.  And the only place I want to see this boy ... is standing next to me in heaven.

After I had collected myself, cried every tear that was in me, and felt a peace that came directly from my own heavenly Father, I went into Luke's room, watched him sleep in complete peace for a few minutes, (why do difficult children look so incredibly angelic when they are sleeping??) and then I laid my head on his chest and prayed for him.  I asked him to forgive me for being impatient and short with him and not loving him the way I should.  More tears found their way to my eyes, and as I silently wept over the body of my son, he woke up, wrapped his arms around me and said, "It's okay, Mom.  I love you."  And Luke and I have been dancing together ever since.

So - when Luke gets the chance to answer a question like "What would you change about me as your mother?", he is matter-of-fact, prepared, and ready to argue his case with great efficiency.

HE started the conversation.
"What I would change about you is this - every time something happens in this house you assume I did it.  Even if I AM innocent (notice he said 'if') you do not listen to my side of the story.  You either convict me when I am innocent or just say, "I don't want to hear it" and walk away.  That makes me angry."
"So you do not like when I ignore you and make assumptions?"
"Yes."
"Okay.  Anything else?"
"Yes.  I need more attention.  You know, it is statistically proven that second born children do not get as much attention as the firstborn and the babies.  They get squeezed out and ignored and that is why they act obnoxious and annoy people."
With a desperate attempt not to laugh (because middle children hate to be embarrassed) but with a grin nonetheless, I said, "Interesting.  Where did you find these stats?"
"In the Birth Order Book by Dr. Leman that you made me read this summer.  It is true, Mom.  It's in the book."  (I do love that book!)
"How can I show you more attention?"
"Talk about life, hang out, tell me GOOD things I do, let me help you when I ask if I can help instead of telling me 'no'."

It was a very productive, and short, conversation and then we ended in prayer as always - he prays for me and I pray for him.

Through all of this, which will give me thought and merriment for days to come, I learned the very important truth that the love language of Luke is:  Words of Affirmation.  Because he is adventurous and creative, and would rather ask forgiveness than permission, he has endured many a lecture and admonition in his lifetime.  He feels beat up and just wants to hear something POSITIVE about him, his life, his actions, his ways. And that is something that costs me nothing ... but is invaluable to the heart of my son.

Lord, You did choose Luke Samuel for me and boy, oh boy, have You used us to refine each other!  He and I can fight like no one else in this house, but we share a mutual understanding and love for one another that cannot be equaled ~ because we are so much the same.  You have created him with a passion and intensity that cannot be manufactured and I pray You will shape and mold him in a way that he can use those strengths for good - and for YOU.  He is so strong, Lord, but our strengths can take us places we never wanted to go.  Protect Luke from himself ... keep him in Your firm grasp ... show me when to fight for him and when to let him fall ... and please, Lord, grab the willful heart of my son and make it as soft as snow so He can be shaped and molded into Your image ... and follow YOU all the days of his life.

He just wants everyone to be happy.

Caleb was second in line for Night Talks.

I thought I was quite clear when I asked them to tell me what they would change about me ... what annoyed or frustrated them about me as a mom.  No one had any questions, no one asked me to clarify.  In fact, Caleb even responded, "Oh, I have STUFF!"  And yet, when he showed up for our talk, it was apparent that he did not quite grasp the purpose of our discussion.

He walked in with his eternal, gigantic smile - holding a piece of paper.  We sat on my bed and I asked, "So, Caleb, have you been thinking about what you would like to change about me?"
"Yep!  I have my list." (he says grinning broadly)
(I was a bit tickled, and startled, that he had so many items to change about me.  And, I was curious.)
"Okay, tell me!"
He began reading.  (these are exactly as written by his own 8-year-old hand)

1.  If you could give us candy I would be way more happy!!!!!!!
2.  If you let us watch a movie Friday and Monday I would be more happy!!
3.  If I could go out front more often I would be more happy!!!
4.  If you could let us have pizza on Thursday I would be happy!

I tried not to laugh but I couldn't help myself.  Here I was prepared for a chastisement and my son asks for candy and pizza!  How easy is that?

"These are all great things, Caleb, but I think you missed the point.  What do I do that drives you nuts that you wish I would never do again?"

He shrugs his shoulders.
"So are you saying I am a PERFECT mom?"
"No!" he exclaims with great speed.
"Okay, so how would you feel more loved by me?"
He screws up his face for a minute, and then responds, "Play more games?  Maybe one night you and I can play a game by ourselves and one night I can play a game with dad."

And that, my friends, is my son Caleb.  Happy-go-lucky and always able to find joy, silliness, and humor in everything.  He is the baby of the olders and the middle child of the siblings.  He just goes with the flow and does what everyone else is doing or - goes his own way to do as he pleases.  All with a spring in his step, a song on his lips, and ready with a goofy or ridiculous comment to make at both appropriate, and inappropriate, times.  Caleb, Caleb - how you make us laugh, and how you drive us crazy!

It is still a little early to tell what Caleb's love language is, but I am pretty confident that he feels loved with - gifts!  He does not need a lot of time or attention ... he already thinks he is a pretty great kid, so words of affirmation are not necessary for a strong self image ... he only likes to be touched when he initiates ... and he does not even notice when someone does something for him, so acts of service go unappreciated.  So that leaves 'Gifts' as the last Love Language standing!  Seriously - this kid gets excited when the new Lego magazine arrives in our mailbox, thinks he won the Lotto when Dennis takes him out for frozen yogurt, and if he is allowed to get a See's sucker or a $5 plastic toy when we are at the mall?  He smiles and talks about it for hours afterward.  Caleb is a tender-hearted boy who just wants everyone to be happy ~ and he does a lot to ensure that they are!

Lord, thank You for the gift of Caleb.  He has always filled our house with joy and laughter, and we enjoy him very much.  Even when he is annoying and we are at the brink of frustration he will say or do something funny that makes us "Caleb fans" once again.  He is a sweet boy, he is a smart boy, and he is OURS.  Thank You, Lord for choosing him for me, and me for him.  I need him.  I really do need - my Caleb.

Micah needs me.

Night Talks.

I love these nights, and I am so glad the Lord convicted me to commit to this time alone with my boys because with the constant activity and noise and chatter and movement that takes place in our home on a daily basis, there is no way I would ever hear the deep, sincere needs of my sons if I did not take time to sit down and listen.  Focused, intentional listening.  That is what my guys need.

The topic of the night:  If you could change anything about me (your mom) what would it be?  What do I do that frustrates/annoys/embarrasses/irritates you?  I gave them a couple of days to think about this and pray about it so they cold answer sincerely and honestly.

I am going to focus on each boy individually because each one is a unique creation with specific needs and desires.  Though they share much in common, they are very different human beings!

Micah chose to go first.  He always enters my room with a silly grin and a look of, "Oh boy, this should be interesting!"  He smiles and giggles a lot while we chit chat about the trivial things in life, and then we dive right in to the topic at hand.  He seemed a little bit nervous to tell me what he does not like about me, so I tried to set him at ease so he would relax and be willing to share his whole heart.  I shot up a quick prayer for wisdom and - the Lord answered.

After a few pauses and sidelong glances, Micah spurted out, "It feels like the littles get all the attention and we only get attention for school work and discipline."

"So you feel like you do not get enough attention from me?  Is that your complaint?"
"Yes.  You don't pay enough attention to me unless I am in trouble.  And you yell or react too sternly when we are not even disobeying.  We are just messing around and you get mad when we are not even doing anything wrong."

We discussed this for a few minutes, and I did my best to listen and hear ALL of his thoughts without correction or justification from the parental perspective.  I want him to feel safe to express HIS own perceptions of what goes in our house, and, between the two of us.

Then I asked, "Micah, do you feel loved by me?"
"No."
(This is the moment when I almost fell off the bed in my surprise.  I know I am less than perfect and need to mature in many areas as a mother, but making my kids feel secure and loved is not my weakness.  My mind started racing with the hundreds of ways I show Micah love every day - and then it hit me in the face like a splash of icy water:  The way I SHOW love may not be the way he FEELS love.  Hmmm ... )
"What would make you feel loved, Micah?  What does love look like to you?"
"Spending time with me.  Playing games or talking about life."

And there it is!!!  My son's love language is TIME.  And guess what?  Mine is NOT!  I am sure you can guess what mine is ... Acts of Service.  I perform acts of service for my children 16 hours a day - all the while assuming that they a) see it b) recognize it is as love c) acknowledge that I love them and d) appreciate it.  Whoops!

Micah made it very clear to me that though he does see and appreciate the things I do for him, (he often says thank you for the simplest of actions) he needs me to give him time and attention to feel my love.  And because I want my son to be completely secure and content not only in my love, but in our relationship as mother and son, I am asking the Lord to show me how to meet this very deep and real need of my firstborn.  It is the Lord who gave me six children who need and want me every day - and He knows I am but one woman with physical, and emotional limits, and an inability to know every thought, need, desire, and emotion of my children - and meet them where they are.  Each of them.  Every day.

Micah needs my time.  My conversation.  My laughter.  My hugs.  My smile.  My encouragement.

Micah needs ME.

Lord, show me how to give Micah more of myself, and even more, show me how to give him time when he needs it most.  I am limited, but You, Lord, are not.  You created my son and You know the secret places of his heart.  Reveal those to me so I can be a source of strength and encouragement and compassion for this child You gave to me ... for he is precious ... and I love him - very much.

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The problem with most Christians is not that they need guidance in what they don't know,

 but they need obedience in what they do know.

                                                                        James Merritt (Southern Baptist Pastor)

It began in a tiny stable ...

 Merry December!

We pray your month is filled with wonder and joy as you reflect on the most generous and amazing gift ever given ~ 

the gift of Jesus Christ

leaving the throne room of heaven to become one of us

born in a manger

because of God's love for His creation

willing to sacrifice His Son on a cross

for your sins ~ and for mine.

Without the the Christ-child in the manger, the cross would have been empty - and powerless.

The reason for our joy ~ our SALVATION ~ began in a tiny stable in Bethlehem 2,000 years ago.

For unto you is born this day, in the city of David, a child - who is Christ the Lord.  

And you shall call His name Wonderful, Counselor, Almighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace.