Happy 11th Birthday, Luke!

 11 years!

You have been a wild, crazy, fun, and adventurous part of our family for over a decade, Luke!

These past few months have shown growth and maturity in your heart and in your actions and we are proud of you!  Your time in the Word early in the morning is making a difference just as Psalm 1 promises it will.  Keep reading, Luke.  Keeping seeking God so that one day you will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of living water.  Because it is then that the Lord will be able to use you for His purposes and for His glory.

We love you, Luke Samuel.  You make a difference because you are YOU, and neither our home nor our family would be the same without you!

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Alone in his room.

Yesterday one of our sons endured the classic "Wait 'til Your Father Gets Home" form of punishment.

At 9:30 am he committed his crime.  A direct defiance of a rule he knows is unchangeable, non negotiable, UNACCEPTABLE.

This crime was committed while under the care of his grandparents (who were unaware of the rule because I mistakenly assumed my children will always obey even when I am not present and did not feel the need to hand a list of "do's and dont's" to the caregivers) and was witnessed by his brother.

This brother, who is by no means without his own rap sheet, gave the criminal three chances to correct himself.  He does not worry about defiance or consequences when HE wants to sin, but his sense of justice is so strong that he cannot sit by and watch someone else sinning without making it known and trying to get them to stop.  (a great irony indeed)

The criminal brother finally stopped what he was doing.  Had it ended there, he would have endured a lighter sentence.

However, he chose to add bribery and deception to his crime by going to the witness in secret and saying, "Okay.  What do I have to give you so you won't tell mom?"

Yes.
He did.

At 10:15 am, after I had returned home from a doctor appointment with another brother, all of these details were presented by the witness.  When he began talking I said, "Wait!  You know we have a 'no tattling' rule.  Tell your brother to come tell me himself, and if he does not listen, THEN you may come tell me."  He, however, was so ramped up with the injustice of it all that he spewed every last detail before I could interrupt again.

I need not record my thoughts or emotions at that time ... let's just say I had to exhibit a great amount of self-control as the grandparents were still sitting on my couch and I could not address the situation.

Once it was just the seven of us again, I excused myself and called The Judge to explain the crime.  The silence on the other end of the line was a clear indication that he was not only displeased, but very disappointed.  I presented my opinion on what the sentencing should be, stated my support for such a consequence, and then left it to him to decide the fate of the criminal.

At 10:30 am and the criminal is beside himself with worry.  I had informed him that the punishment would be stiff and his father would announce it when he returned home.  Every 20 minutes he asked something, "Can I call dad?  I just want to know my punishment so I can move on."  "Okay, what if my punishment is this?" (and then listed thing to be taken away, for which he cares very little I might add)  "Man, when is dad getting home?  This is torture!  I just need to KNOW!"

This went on for EIGHT hours.  It was opening day of school for Dennis and he was buried in meetings and deadlines and the hoopla that happens on the first day of school.  He called us two hours after he was supposed to be home to say, "I am almost done and I will be on my way home.  I will be taking a very long walk with our son."

By the time he did step through the door, our son was almost twitching with the stress of worry and fear and the unknown.  I was torn between laughter and sympathy because it was his own sin that put him in this spot ... and I remember quite well (and not fondly) the long, lonely wait before  punishment came after my own childhood crimes.

Now, the real horror that swirled around the criminal all day was this:  Last night was the kick off for Bible study and guitar lessons.  Both of which are the two highlights of this child's life.  He has been talking about it all summer and uttering phrases like, "I cannot WAIT for Bible study to start!  Only 12 more days!"  And in his heart he knew there was a very good possibility that he would be denied both of these, because:

they are a PRIVILEGE, not a right.

Children need only a few things in life:  food, clothing, shelter, God's Word and education.
Everything else is abundance. 

Sports, play dates, DS, Wii, social events, parties, dance class, music lessons, Boy Scouts, youth group events ...

None of these are NECESSARY.

Especially when the child cannot obey his parents as the Lord commands in Scripture.  When you do not show respect for the authority God has set up in your home, you do not get to go flit about town enjoying yourself and treating strangers better than your parents and siblings.

Yesterday was one of the longest days ever for our son.  He was defiant in his disobedience and then tried to cover it up with bribery and deceit.  His punishment needed to be swift and painful ~ so he would REMEMBER.

And we are pretty sure he will remember, because while all of his friends were enjoying fellowship, praise songs, the study of God's Word, new chords for the guitar, and celebrating a new school year,

our son sat alone in his room.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.  

Hebrews 12:11

Where my help comes from.

I sent a note to two far away friends simply stating, "The Lord is about to take me through another difficult season ... and though I have been in this place before, I am not afraid.  I know without a doubt that He will be my everything."

No details.  No drama.  Just a simple plea for prayer.

And yet, the Holy Spirit was at work in the hearts of both women as they read my words and He burdened each of them with a specific song to encourage me and lift me up.  One was waiting for me in my in-box when I woke up this morning and the other came in the afternoon just before I sat down for time in the Word.  "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver." 

As a deer pants for flowing streams,

so pants my soul for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God,

for the living God.

When shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my food

day and night,

while they say to me all the day long,

“Where is your God?”

These things I remember,

as I pour out my soul:

how I would go with the throng

and lead them in procession to the house of God

with glad shouts and songs of praise,

a multitude keeping festival.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember You

from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.

 Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls;

all Your breakers and Your waves have gone over me.

By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me,

a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God, my rock: “Why have You forgotten me?

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God. Psalm 42
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I asked the Lord that I might grow, In faith and love and every grace,

Might more of His salvation know, And seek more earnestly His face.

It was He who taught me thus to pray, And He I trust has answered prayer.

But it has been in such a way, As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour, At once He'd answer my request.
And by His love's constraining power, Subdue my sins and give me rest.
 

Instead of this, He made me feel, The hidden evils of my heart.
And let the angry powers of hell, Assault my soul in every part.

Yes, more with His own hand, He seemed,  Intent to aggravate my woe.
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed, Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

"Lord, why is this?" I trembling cried. Will You pursue Your worm to death?"

"This is the way" the Lord replied, "I answer prayer for grace and strength."

 

"These inward trials I employ, From self, and pride, to set you free;

And break your schemes of earthly joy, That you may find thy all in Me."

                     ~ John Newton

My heart is greatly ministered to by music, so these songs did wonders for my heart and mind today.  And as if these were not enough, the Lord also moved the heart of my groom to share words of encouragement and exhortation with me.  We spent over two hours talking late into last night as thousands of words tumbled out of my mouth describing what the Lord has been teaching me through the summer and where I see Him taking me next.  He listened and listened, and listened, responded where he felt appropriate, and then expressed his love for me as his voice faded and he fell asleep.

These are the words that greeted me this morning:

My Dear Bride,

Thank you for sharing the depths of your heart.  Indeed, remedy for this trial must come from the Lord as we have seen ourselves powerless to amend it.

Lord Jesus, Thank you that you care about our storms and trials.  Thank You that You stay with us when we seek to attempt remedy after remedy for our issues and concerns to no avail. You whisper words of love and affection to us in the midst of hard times and remind us that You know what is best.  Your hand comfort and guides in our brokenness and surrender. 
Thank you for Michelle's willingness to come to you with things that she cannot contend with, that seem immovable, and thank you that she also comes increasingly with the small things because she knows you are faithful in all things.  Lord, thank You for showing her light and peace and joy in the very thick of the heavy issues.
You are the Great Comforter.  The Only Wise Counsel, you are God.
Thank you for taking care of my wife and allowing her heart to be tender toward Your hand
of concern.
Amen.
I love you, Dennis

One simple note to two friends.
One very vulnerable conversation with my groom.

And the gift of three thoughtful, precious, Spirit-led notes that buoyed my spirits and forced me to one again fix my eyes on the Master ~ where my help comes from.

#12 ~ Read a presidential biography.

I just finished The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt, recommended by my groom who is one of the most avid lovers of all things presidential.  Especially presidents who literally changed the world.

I knew very little about Theodore when I read the first line, and now I feel like he was my uncle!  His story is fascinating from the opening word and the author, Edmund Morris, is one of the most descriptive writers I have ever encountered.  I literally felt like I roamed the west with Teddy, followed him on a hunting expedition and felt his pain when he was rejected by his peers in politics.

It would be ridiculous for me to even begin to highlight his life, so I will suffice it to say:  if you have any interest in President Roosevelt, or just want to take a peek into America when she was on the verge of becoming the most powerful nation on earth, you will enjoy, and devour, this book.  It is a hefty and slow read but quite enjoyable. 

He was a man of action and integrity and was one of the most well-read and intelligent men who ever lead this country.  Oh, for those days again!  My only disappointment is that in all of his private journals and the countless testimonies of others, there is no mention of the Lord or Scripture.  He attended church faithfully, and had an intense moral fabric of right and wrong, but it does not appear that He was driven by an intimate relationship with Christ.  He was not a private man by any means so it seems he would have been as bold in sharing his faith as he was in sharing his opinions.  The Lord knew his heart, and hopefully he is strolling the streets of heaven with his quick step and snapping teeth.

The best part of reading about the life of this man?  It made Dennis grin ear to ear when I asked him a question about that time period, the workings of the senate, how politics has changed since then (he is also an intense historian) and his own personal feelings and thoughts on our 26th President of the United States.  We enjoyed many fun and thought-provoking conversations.  So many, that I am actually tempted to read the second book in the trilogy which documents his first day in office onward.  (the first volume describes his family background, childhood, teens and then his adult life up until he was nominated as Vice President)  I know I will give into the temptation at some point, but I am already deep into a 1945 writing of the life of Hudson Taylor ... and have a strong feeling that the Lord is about to do an intense work on my level of faith.  It is a refreshing change from Theodore's life and it just feels right.  And, a little scary.  When you pray, "Increase my faith, Lord," ~ He will!!

I highly recommend this book ~ it is a Pulitzer Prize winner ~ and know that anyone who reads it will feel a great sense of nostalgia for what America once was, and will appreciate even more the men and women who stood firm in their convictions and gave everything they had to make this country great.

He is ENOUGH!

After I wrote about how the Lord has clearly shown me my proper place in the world, Dennis and I had a very long discussion about the details.

First, we had another round of Pink vs. Blue which I found quite funny.  My writing, which contained almost 2,000 words (literally), Dennis summed up with these words:

"You are right.  After Moses there was Joshua."

HA!  2,920 words compared to eight.  Good grief.
                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We had to hash out a part where I said that everyone is 'replaceable'.  For some reason he heard it read, "everyone is EASILY replaceable" and launched into a 10-minute diatribe on how that is absolutely not true.  He shared some very kind words about me as a wife, mother, and woman and then said, "My queen, there will never be a woman who can easily replace you.  Ever."

And I agreed with him.  Except that is not what I said.  I know I am the only ME - the only Michelle Renee Eastman, and no other woman can be me, as a wife, a mother or a friend.  But, there are hundreds of woman who could love, honor, and submit to Dennis, and ~ love, train, serve and educate my children in a way that is admirable, appreciated, and wanted.  I may be the only me, but I am not the only woman who loves the Lord, desires to please Him, seeks to raise godly children, or prays for her husband.  Other women would not share my specific strengths, but they would not share my weaknesses either.  Another woman would not be the original wife of Dennis or the biological mother of my children, but she would be amazing in the way God made her and she would bring as much joy and encouragement and love as I do ... it would just look different.  And different is okay!

No one is easily replaced.  And in the true sense of the word, no one can ever be replaced.  It is the position that is filled by another, and that is exactly what God intended.  "Death is the end of every man" (Ecclesiastes) and with the death of one of His precious saints, He has a plan for those who are left behind ... "After Moses there was Joshua" ... and His plans are always GOOD.
                                      ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I shared in that writing that we can still enjoy the abundant life that Jesus Christ came to give ~ even after we suffer the loss of a loved one.  And the Lord confirmed this truth Sunday morning.

I was finally, after nine weeks of absence, able to return to the house of the Lord to worship with my church family.  What a JOY!  We always arrive about 30 minutes early and after acquiring the coveted Sunday morning donuts for our children, I was walking across the patio by myself when I came upon a woman who only a month ago buried her 40-year-old daughter after she lost her battle with cancer.  I was asking the Lord to give me the right words for her when I suddenly stopped in stunned silence because when I got closer and looked at her face ~ she.was.RADIANT.

And I told her so.  "You look wonderful!  How are you doing?"  She kept smiling and her eyes were as bright as ever when she responded, "I am okay ... "  She misses her daughter.  I know she would give anything to see her face again and hear her talk about her students and show off her newest high-tops.  But even with the knowledge that she will not see her sweet daughter until she joins her in Paradise, she had the joy of the LORD and was not afraid to share it with the rest of us.  What a testimony she is!  When the world (and even other believers) expects us to walk around with a dower and pitiful "woe is me" countenance, this child of the King is expressing a peace that passes all understanding ... and the Lord is glorified through it.

I cannot be sure, but I am holding to the truth that the Lord had our paths cross yesterday for a specific purpose.  He NEEDED me to see her ... her smile ... her joy ... her radiance.  I am battling through a very deep sorrow, and seeing her perfect peace and contentment that comes directly from the love and compassion and grace of the Father, well, it set my mind to a new place and held me captive all through the night and through this afternoon when I finally surrendered to Him and said, "Lord, if You strip everything away, I know You will still be my everything.  As David says - You are my portion - forever.  I trust You, Lord.  I choose to trust You."

I love when the Lord makes something that was rolling about in our minds come to reality so we can SEE the result of a sincere and all-consuming faith as we witness one of His children walking securely with Him day by day, hour by hour.  He is all we need!  And He is ENOUGH!

Happy 5th Birthday, Josiah!

 Happy Birthday, Josiah Timothy!

How much we love you!!

We are so glad we were able to celebrate 5 years of your life with you, Josiah!

You bring so much joy and craziness to our family ~ and we LOVE you!

The sun will go on rising and setting.

In my sincere pursuit of a 'gentle and quiet spirit' the Lord has made me acutely aware of certain truths.  Some are rather painful, and others are so obvious that I am baffled I have not paid heed to them before now.

When we were at Hume Lake ... with four other families ... a trip I had planned and put together a year earlier ... too many relational dynamics to count ... a sick child ... my own illness for two full days of the trip ... missing out on 85% of our family vacation ... being left out of virtually every event and social time of the trip ... coming off of a handful of memorial services honoring peers and church family who had gone HOME to be with the Lord ... deeply involved in this desire to attain a gentle and quiet spirit ...

the Lord showed me the very startling truth that I, Michelle Renee Eastman, am not a vital part of life.

I do not write these words with a martyr, poor-me, petty motive or attitude.  On the contrary, I mean it in the purest sense possible.  While I know that I was created by God for such a time as this, and He has placed me with the people in my life for a reason, He made me the wife of Dennis and the mother of our seven children, and since I was created in His image, I have great purpose on earth ~ to glorify Him in all things ~ I saw with great clarity that I, like every other human who has proceeded me, can be replaced.

How many mothers have died in childbirth causing great grief to the family for a time, but in the end, her position in the family is filled in with the care of others and, quite often, a new wife and mother to fill her role completely?  How many men have died leaving his wife a widow and his children fatherless, yet his heirs pursue their passions and do great things for the Lord?  How many parents have buried their precious children only to be found years later running a foundation for the very thing they lost their child to and spending the rest of their days supporting and encouraging other parents in the same sorrow?  Presidents, kings, astronauts, athletes, scientists, students, teachers, pastors ~ all of them are beloved and adored by those who know them, and yet, after they are gone, the void is eventually filled until the heart wrenching pain subsides, and they are remembered with a sweet tenderness rather than an aching heart and tear-filled eyes.

When I lost my grandparents, it was the first real death I had ever experienced, and saying goodbye to them for the last time was almost unbearable.  I wept openly and unashamedly at the funeral of my grandfather as I mourned the lost moments and missed opportunities with him.  It was bittersweet when my grandmother with Alzheimer's slipped quietly into the throne room of Heaven after years of suffering.  And I was overwhelmed when the Lord called my beloved grandmother HOME just when we were becoming close friends.  I adored her all of my life as a child, teen and young adult, but I was absolutely smitten with her as an adult, a wife and a mother.  I just could not get enough of her.

And yet, after all of the tears, and the countless moments wishing they were here again, I look at their smiling faces in the frames on my wall with a very real sense that my life is just as full and joyful and wonderful now, without them, as it was when they were here.  It is just ~ different.  I would love to have one more day with each of them.  One more conversation.  One more hug.  I remember every detail about them and think of them with great joy and wonder what they are enjoying in heaven with the saints of old.

And then, there is my Matthew Isaac.  The son I never knew.  The son whose smile I have never seen.  The son whose voice I have never heard, the laugh I will never know.  And oh, how dark those days were when he died.  The tears, the ache, the sadness, the mourning, the memories of his tiny body in my hands as the tears streamed down my face wondering how I could move forward after burying my own child.  I did not run from the pain.  I did not pretend it was anything but what it was ~ the death of someone I loved.  And I remember the first day that I did not think about him.  At all.  It was late in the evening when I walked by my bedside table and saw his journal and thought, "Oh my goodness!  I did not think of Matthew today!  What kind of mother am I?!?"  I sat down and cried out to the Lord until He quieted my guilty heart and reminded me ... there is a time to mourn and a time to weep ... AND ... there is a time to laugh and a time to dance!

I was not a bad mother because I had a good day after the death of my son.  I was not mean or heartless or cruel.  I did not dishonor his memory.  What I did do?  I LIVED!  Scripture says that we are to give thanks in all things.  To praise the Lord for His faithfulness in the good moments, and the bad.  To trust Him.  Do everything without complaining or arguing.  His Word says that I cannot understand His thoughts or His ways.  That He loves me with an everlasting love and has a purpose and plan for my life that He will bring to fruition when I follow Him in faithful obedience.  He does not change.  He will never leave me.  He is GOD.  All knowing, all powerful, ever present, and He CHOSE to create me.  He chose to let me walk through the pain and suffering of death.  But He did not let me walk alone.

So you see, when I say that I am now acutely aware that I am not vital to life ... I say so with the personal experience and understanding that life does ~ go on.

I buried my son.  But I still have six children on this earth who hug and kiss me, want me to cuddle with them, listen to their woes, rejoice in their successes.  They make me laugh and they make me think and they bring me moments of intense joy.  My life is amazing ~ even with one child not by my side.  I will never know Matthew until the day the Lord reunites us in the glory of Heaven, but the Lord will continue to bless me and shower me with His love and goodness and faithfulness every day that I walk the earth, because He sent His Son to "give us life abundant."

And an abundant life can still be enjoyed after the death of someone we love.

I believe my husband when he tells me, "We are better WITH you."  I know that the world of my sons would be turned upside down if they were to lose me while they are young.  I know Ellie would grieve the loss of a mother she never truly knew.  I know that I would leave a hole in the hearts of my family and close friends because I impacted their lives.

But I also know that with all of those truths there is one even greater ~

the Lord will have prepared the way for each and every one of them.

Every child who has lost a parent, every mother who has buried a child, every husband who has held his wife while she slipped away from this world ... none of these caught the Lord by surprise.  He KNEW.  He is the one who numbered their days!  And He is the One who had a purpose in it.  We do not love and serve a God of confusion or chaos.  He created His world and His children with perfection, with purpose, with a direction for their steps ... and still better?  He who began a good work in us will be faithful to COMPLETE it until the day Christ Jesus returns.  Whether the work began in splendor or with suffering, He will always prove faithful and He is bigger than any sorrow or pain we must endure.

I am one woman on a planet filled with billions of people.  I have but one mind, one personality, a few skills, spiritual gifts, an intense love for my husband and children, love and affection for family and friends, and a passion to serve in ministry.  But if the Lord took me home today, the world, and those I love, would not stop living.  They would not stop laughing.  Dancing.  Playing.  Marrying.  Having babies.  Graduating from college.  Serving in missions.  Enjoying vacations or playing in the crashing waves.

Life goes on.

And it is supposed to.

I love living and am confident the Lord created me with a distinct purpose that only I can fulfill ~ because I am the only ME.  But these past weeks the Lord has also shown me how to temper the need to voice my opinions and thoughts and emotions because in the very big scope of life and eternity ... I am a very small piece of dust, a body that began to die as soon as it was born, and only one of millions of believers who He uses to achieve His will and bring glory to Himself.  I am truly, after decades of struggling, confident and content in who I am in Christ.

Now?  I am prayerfully seeking wisdom to know how I fit into the big picture as He made me, not apologizing for who I am, but dying to self every single day so I can put others above myself, live at peace with everyone, show kindness and grace with sincerity, endure difficult people and situations in a way that honors my Lord, wholeheartedly embrace and cultivate the fruits of the Spirit, and take the form of a gentle and quiet spirit which is precious in the sight of God.  And these things?  They are going to take the rest of my life to get them firmly in my grip.

The sun will go on rising and setting whether I live or die, as it always has, but it is up to me to choose how to spend the precious remaining days that are given to me by the Lord's hand.  Because they truly are ~ a gift.

Lord, thank You for showing me the truth of Your Word when You say ...

As a father has compassion on his children, 
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him; 
for He knows how we are formed,  
He remembers that we are dust.  
The life of mortals is like grass, they flourish like a flower of the field; 
the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. 
But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear Him,  
and His righteousness with their children’s children,
with those who keep His covenant and remember to obey His precepts. 
Psalm 103

Everyday Life.

 Anyone want a BEEHIVE?

We heard, rather than saw, a swarm of bees around our peach tree where just minutes before we were enjoying a lively game of soccer baseball.  The boys went to investigate and saw hundreds of bees buzzing about our tree.  About 15 minutes later they settled into a pile.  A very large pile.

I do not want to kill the bees, but I do want them out of my yard so my children can roam freely during the day without fear of being stung.

I am sure in the old days I would have been thrilled to harvest this hive for my own organic honey, but since we are not living in the old days, I would like to see someone else harvest it!

I knew this day was bound to come ~ and here it is caught on film!  This is me.  With a dog.   IN.MY.LAP!  I honestly never thought it would happen ~ because I do not like dogs ~ but here we are, Samson and me, just as relaxed and content as can be.

I have nothing to do with his daily care ... feeding, walking, bathroom clean up, flea treatment, bathing or anything else, but I do brush him almost every night (Which started because a certain 10-year-old thinks a 32 second brushing is sufficient for a dog with endless hair.  Um, no.) and that is how we bond.  He relaxes while I make him look and feel smooth and fluffy, he tries in great vain to lick me (blech), and we enjoy each other for those 15 minutes each day.

Who knew?

US is enough!

I have a very dear friend who is continually being accused of living "the life of a hermit."  Why? Because she does not sign her children up for every church event, dance class, city gymnastics class ... her kids are not in three sports apiece, they do not say "yes" to every birthday invitation and holiday event, and they find great, great pleasure in being home a l o n e as a family.  I have never teased her about her lifestyle ~ on the contrary ~ I have always admired her for it and wondered how she is able to say no to so much of what is considered "good/necessary/profitable/important."  And her response is always:  "Being with my family ~ investing in my children and serving my husband ~ IS what is good and necessary and profitable.  And I have Scripture to prove it!"

I have been thinking about her and her family a lot lately, because we have been struggling as a family to be unified ... of one mind ... thinking of one another above ourselves.  The Lord was showing us some areas that needed attention before we left for our vacation and then ... with all of the distractions of life out of the way for an entire week, we saw each Eastman member with crystal clarity.  I will not bore you with the 'what' so let us just say - we were not totally pleased!

At the same time, however, we were quite thankful that the Lord did show us these sin areas in our family because we can address them and attack them head on.  Now that we know - we are accountable!

We engaged in several discussions while at Hume Lake, and we have continued our discussions at home.  But there was one overall theme that was evident throughout every conversation:  We do not spend enough time together ALONE as a family.

We are all very, very social.  We love to invite families into our home, and we love to visit them in theirs.  We enjoy church events, holiday soirees, beach nights, museums, sporting events, birthday parties, crazy youth nights ~ you name it, we enjoy it!  But with those things comes a ~ dependency ~ that creates the belief that something is only fun if so-and-so is going with us.  I would say that 8 out of 10 times we announce that we are going somewhere, the first question our kids ask is, "Who is going to be there?"  And if we say, "No one, just us," we get the response "Oh, man.  We wish the Geldersteins were going!"  Hmmm.  Sometimes even Dennis and I are guilty because we truly enjoy having time to interact with other adults while the kids play.  Which begs the question, WHY??  Why isn't our family content to just be US without any other influence or personality?  Why aren't we content to be alone with our children?

To the last question some would say, "Michelle, cut yourself a break.  You homeschool!  Which means ~ you are with your kids 24 hours a day every single day of the week!  There is nothing wrong with wanting some adult conversation and enjoyment with friends."  And while I would heartily agree, there is a lie lurking about in that statement.  You see, when I was given the role of motherhood, I had to choose to give up self.  I joined the women who are called in Scripture to be keepers at home, love their children, train them in righteousness and submit to their husbands.  It is no longer about me and my wants or my needs.  It is about my family.  And I do not just have six children to serve and care for, I also have a husband who needs and desires me, and to both I must give my BEST.  Not my leftovers.  Why should my kids get the school work, chore master, disciplinarian while my friends get the laughing, fun, interesting Michelle?  Don't my kids deserve the best of my relaxed self too?

After talking and talking and talking about this - and me spending 2-1/2 days in bed thinking and praying about it - the Lord showed us what to do.  Not surprising since He promises, "Ask and you shall receive!"  (I LOVE that promise!)

And so, to be obedient to what we believe He is asking us to do, we have committed the rest of the summer and the entire month of September ~ to our family.

Of course, we have two or three commitments that we must keep, but the rest were rescheduled or put on hold.  I was a little nervous to look at our calendar to see how many things must be changed, but when I sat down to scroll through the next 40+ days I was stunned to see that our calendar was ~ CLEAR!  I literally sat back in my chair and said, "Wow, Lord.  Who needs more confirmation than that?"

We did have to take one more step in this process, and that was to eliminate all movies and technological devices.  We do EVERYTHING as a family or we do not do it.  Movies may seem like they are a family activity, but the truth is, no one is talking and everyone is once again being entertained by an outside source.  We are not enjoying one another and that, is our ultimate goal.  We want to talk and play games and read books and do belly-bucking contests and go for walks ... together.  We want to invest in each other and learn to appreciate and understand each member of the family as God made them ~ without distractions or interruptions.

I will not lie.  There are moments that I would love to pop in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and let everyone sit and laugh and sing along so I do not have to come up with a fun/interesting/noteworthy activity.  But you know what?  This new lifestyle is growing on me.  Last night Micah and Caleb played Chess while I sewed a hem on a pair of shorts and Dennis and Luke put together a Big Wheel for Isaiah.  Each of us slurped an ice cream cone and then I read three chapters from Robert Louis Stevenson's novel "Kidnapped" before we sent them off to bed.  It was a wonderful evening!  Quiet, focused, interactive ... and just us.

Our three oldest boys are in sports, and they probably always will be.  We are junior high youth leaders and will faithfully attend the events.  We will still enjoy dinners out with friends and group beach nights.  But for now ... for these few fleeting weeks ... we are 100% committed to focusing on our family ~ the eight of us ~ and working on each and every flaw and weakness and sin issue that comes to the surface.  Because really, when you eliminate all distractions (no matter how simple or good they may be) you are able to focus on, and then address, the needs of your family.  I know that many behaviors and attitudes are pushed aside for attention 'later' because we are moving onto the next activity.  And then 'later' never comes.  But now?  There is nowhere to go.  There is no one to see.  It is just us.

And right now, US is enough! 

Lord, thank You for showing us what we need to do as a family right now and for allowing us to see the gaps in our parenting and our family life before they grew any larger and divided us further.  We trust You and know that You went ahead of us to prepare the way for a clear calendar and the ability to completely focus on our marriage, our children ~ our family.
You are always so good, and You continually give us second chances to do what is right.
Thank You, Lord.  For everything.

Where the Believer should always be ...

Let us walk prayerfully, let us walk carefully so that we may possess unbroken peace and joy to the fullest.  Let none of us sit down in misery and be content to be there!  There is such a thing as becoming habituated to melancholy. 

My own tendency is sometimes to get into that state of mind, but, by the Grace of God, I shake it off, for I know it will not do.  If we once begin to give way to this foolishness, we shall soon forge chains for ourselves that we cannot easily break. 

Take down your harp from the willow, Believer! Do not let your fingers neglect the well-known strings.  Come, let us be happy and joyful!  If we have looked sad for a while, let us now be brightened by thoughts of Christ! 

At any rate, let us not be satisfied until we have shaken off this lethargy and misery, and have once again come into the proper and healthy state in which a child of God should always be found, namely, a state of spiritual joy!  ~ Charles Spurgeon

It's a CHOICE.

Apparently my body does not tolerate drugs well.  The effects of the "sleep juice" for my endoscopy yesterday have left me feeling like a rag doll - limp, weak, and helpless.  As if the illness during our vacation was not enough, these last two days have found me, once again, languishing in bed ... either sleeping or barely able to keep from crying from the raging headache that had me begging the Lord to make it stop.

To make matters worse, about 30 minutes after my headache, body aches and nausea kicked in, Caleb stood up sobbing and screaming, "My head!  My head!"  He went outside to find Dennis, because I did not have the energy to help him, and promptly vomited, then said his head felt better, started screaming again, vomited again - and the scene was repeated a few more times before he calmed down enough to take a cool shower and go to bed.  Dennis came in shaking his head and said, "I am a little nervous.  He is acting delirious and his pupils are the size of pin-pricks.  I have never seen anything so strange!  I need to watch him tonight."  And he did.  Every fifteen minutes found him leaning over Caleb's bed, checking his breathing and making sure he was coherent.  He checked him a few more times in the wee hours of the night and reported that Caleb had changed positions each time indicating he was in his right mind and in control of his body ... which was in answer to my question, "How do you know he is not in a coma?"  (Remember, I am not quite lucid myself so my mental state was a tad questionable as well.)

ANYway ...

This morning, as I sat propped up on pillows with a book and glasses at my side, yet unable to focus enough to read, I had to ask the Lord, "What are You doing?  This has been the worst summer for sickness and health issues in the history of the Eastman family.  I was still when You asked me to be still, I listened intently to everything You wanted to show me/teach me at Hume when I was sequestered away from the entire group, I am continually listening for Your voice to know what You are trying to tell me.  Am I not focused enough?  Is there another reason you need me captive and still in bed?  Am I listening without hearing?  What is it, Lord?  What am I missing?"

As you can imagine, there was no immediate answer.  Just quiet.  And quiet is okay.  Sometimes the Lord keeps us waiting ... and while it can feel frustrating or even agonizing, there is a reason.  And sometimes?  He is the only One who is privy to that reason, and that is where faith steps in.

I do not NEED to know why the Lord keeps allowing our family to be attacked physically.  I do not need to know when it will end.  I should not sit around wondering what I am doing wrong (I asked Dennis this morning, "Seriously ... do I need to attend a Housekeeping 101 class?  Am I not cleaning right?  Enough?  What are we missing that we keep getting slammed with illness???") and wallowing in self-pity or self-blame because illness has fallen on our house.  I have control over few things and even with Clorox-covered counters and Lysol-sprayed door knobs and pillows, I do not have the power to kill germs with an angry glare as they hover about my front door seeking a way in.  (Oh, if only!)

We are currently listening to "The Screwtape Letters" in the car ~ an excellent radio-theater production of this classic C.S. Lewis writing.  It is as poignant today as it was when he penned it decades ago, and as I absorbed the words in the car as we drove to and from Hume I could not help seeing the similarities between it and "The Strategy of Satan."  The voice and passion and venom poured forth from the mouth of Screwtape makes the reality of satan and his desire to destroy the Christian so ~ real.

It is right for me to assume that satan is attacking me, and my family, physically.  It is right for me to assume that he believes that the weaker I am in body, the weaker I will become in spirit ... and will neglect reading the Word, seeking the Lord in prayer, and meditating on His truth ... because I am tired.  Worn.  In pain.  Discouraged.

So this is when all of the verses about the mind, and thoughts, must be pulled forth ... prayed through ... thought on ... and BELIEVED.

This is a battle of the will.  Satan wants to lure me away from the arms of the Father.  He wants me to be angry, annoyed, bitter and forget all of the promises in God's Word.  Well, FORGET IT!  It is not going to happen!

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. 

Romans 12:2

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  Philippians 4:8

For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete.
 I Corinthians 10:3-6

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.  Isaiah 26:3

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.  Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

And it is to this verse I am clinging most tightly to right now ... because it reminds me that my
attitude, my disposition, and my demeanor are ~ a CHOICE.

 A joyful heart is good medicine, 
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. 

Proverbs 17:22

Lord, You have forced me into physical and mental stillness yet again, and though I do not know the WHY, I do know the WHO.  And that is enough.  

He is holding the pen.

My mind - is blank.

Since the day we left for vacation I have not been challenged or stimulated to engage in deep or intense thinking in any facet.  It is strange and a little unnerving because I crave that kind of mental exercise and ... I feel I function better when I am continually examining a matter in my mind.  My perspective is clear, my creativity flows, my ear is quick to hear something that needs to be addressed, and my eyes are more alert to all that is happening around me.

In this current state of - blankness - I feel like a pitcher standing on the mound ready to throw the opening pitch ... with no memory of how to play the game.

It is uncomfortable.  Foreign.  Disconcerting.  Strange.

But I think there is some merit in it.  Being in a state of "pause" makes me appreciate more fully the times of mental activity and action.  If I did not know this feeling ... this inability to grasp a concrete thought or string a dozen coherent sentences together to make a point ... I would not be able to relish the moments when it all comes together naturally and proves to soothe my overactive mind and settle any wrestling matches that have been taking place in my thoughts.

We cannot exult in the beauty of the mountaintop when we have not labored through the dryness of the valley.

And that is where I feel like my mind, heart, and body have been trudging these past days and weeks ... through the thick sludge of the swamp as I press on to find the path that will take me to the top of the hill where I can look back and see how far I have come, and be reminded of the One who is always faithful to lead me, push me, and pull me to the very place He wants me to be.  No matter how long it takes to get there.

My mind has not been completely without thought or reflection during this time ... that would be simply awful.  It is just - different.  The Lord has directed my thoughts to entirely new places, simple places that have been overlooked or altogether ignored in pursuit of the deeper and more intense thinking that I constantly and naturally seek, and then devour.  And I must say, the results have been pleasantly surprising.  I feel encouraged and excited to implement the ideas and challenges the Lord has given me and look forward to seeing how they affect our family for the better.  I can spend so much time on the serious, Biblical, eternal parts of the Christian life that I fail to embrace and rejoice in the everyday ... the simple ... the pleasant ... the common.  Each has its place, and I think the Lord needed to use these past days to show me how true this is.

I am feeling quite restless, I admit.  I am beginning to write notes on every scrap of paper I can find so I can keep up with what He is showing and teaching me.  I have several Scriptures marked for further perusal and study that are practically screaming for me to give them attention.  I have a list of ideas and changes for our family vision that Dennis and I have been discussing for several weeks.  And I feel an intense desire to escape for an entire day with only my Bible, paper, a pen and a giant jug of cold water ... to just sit, listen, and digest everything the Lord wants to tell me.

Even as I write this I feel my mind clearing, my lips curving into a grin, and my heart starting to race with excitement for a new study - a new pursuit - new ideas - new convictions - new challenges.  I love that Scripture never changes but is constantly showing me new pieces that never affected or challenged me before - but do so now because the Lord has a specific lesson for me right now - today - that I was not ready for last year.  How cool is that?  Living and active ... the Word of God is living and ACTIVE and always, always, at work in the heart of a believer ... never returning void.

My mind has been a blank slate these days and weeks, but now, instead of feeling frustrated and purposeless, I see that the Lord has been preparing me for His own hand to pick up the pen and begin writing His words, His plans, His will for me across the page as He continues the work He began 35 years ago when I gave my life to Him.

Oh, Lord, how I love You!  Please show me more of You so I can see myself as I am ... undeserving of such a pure and unconditional love from a holy and merciful God ... and create in me a desire to love You all the more.  My love for You will never be proved enough, but Yours was proven the day You sent Your Son to die ~ and that love has always been, and will always be ~ SUFFICIENT.

When I survey the wondrous cross

On which the Prince of glory died,

My richest gain I count but loss,

And pour contempt on all my pride.

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast

Save in the death of Christ my God!

All the vain things that charm me most,

I sacrifice them to His blood.

See from His head, His hands, His feet,

Sorrow and love flow mingled down!

Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,

Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

Were the whole realm of nature mine,

That were a present far too small;

Love so amazing, so divine,

Demands my soul, my life, my all.

                                                                                            ~ Isaac Watts, Hymn Writer

My First Blessing.

I want to spend the rest of my life growing old with you.

I love you, Dennis.

Michelle

My 'big' blessings.

Micah, Luke, and Caleb ~

I do not tell you nearly enough how much I enjoy and appreciate you.  I say "I love you" like a mother should ... but it is a phrase that can become so robotic, so habitual, without carrying any real meaning ... and I never want that to be the case.

Watching you this past week at Hume Lake made me see how 'grown up' you really are.  Your ability to care for yourselves, pack the things you needed for an outing, keep track of your personal belongings, get to bed on time without being asked, assisting the littles when they needed help, serving Dad when he asked, ministering to me when I was sick ... you are no longer 'little boys.'

Caleb, you are still a boy and have a few good, long years left for Lego's and imagination and the freedom that comes with being a kid.  You are still finding your place in this family, and amongst your peers, as you are growing more confident in who you are as God made you, as well as understanding your weaknesses because you are a sinner.  You are a delightful boy, Caleb.  You truly are.

Luke, you are on the very verge of tipping over into the teen years.  You are still a boy at heart who wants to climb trees and explore caves, but you long for freedom to do as you please ~ and spread your wings.  That time will come, son, but for now, your wings must be clipped as you still have much to learn about self-control and living a life of obedience to the One who made you.  Trust your father.  Trust me.  And let us train you as the Lord gives us wisdom so that on the day HE says it is time for you to go - you are ready!

Micah, you are entering a new phase of life as a pre-teen.  You, too, are still a boy at heart, yet you so strongly seek to know and understand the things of men.  Your dad is your hero and you long to be like him.  Be patient in your training, son.  Your father is purposely and patiently seeking the wisdom of the Lord to know when and what to share with you.  There are some truths, while you are interested and curious, that are not your burden to bear right now.  The hands of time will burden you with much information and knowledge soon enough, and with the privilege of "knowing" comes great responsibility to know how to respond to, and use, that knowledge.  The Lord is preparing your way, Micah Steven ... do not rush Him.  He knows what He is doing!

Thank you, boys, for loving me, respecting me, obeying me, and serving me.  Even on our worst days together, I know I am secure in your affection for me and I praise God for blessing me with such wonderful sons.  I love you, Mom

My 'little' blessings.

My dear littles,

Oh, how much I love you!  With your big brothers being so independent and free, it is such a sweet thing to still have little ones to enjoy.  You are silly and crazy ... whiny and needy ... creative and fun ... and you keep me on my toes all day long!  I love so much that God gave me two sets of children ~ one set that is older and walking the road to maturity ~ and one set (you!) that lets me still enjoy reading picture books, playing with Hot Wheels, and drying your cute little bodies with a towel after baths.

You can drive me crazy sometimes, but I love hearing your little feet pattering into my room early each morning, and feeling your little arms wrap around my neck each night.  You will not be little much longer so I am trying to savor every moment I can when I am with you.  I know I have frittered away time but I cannot live in regret ~ I can only live in NOW.  And that is what I am going to focus on because I will never be able to go back and enjoy you as you are right now ...

An almost 5-year-old little boy.
A 3-year-old little boy.
And a 2-year-old little girl.

I love you Josiah, Isaiah, and Ellie ~ with all of my heart.  Mommy

Oh, Lord, thank You for such an amazing, undeserving, and spectacular gift!

Dennis and his arrows.

 

 

HOME.

2 adults.
6 children.
21 meals.
Countless snacks.
8 duffel bags full of clothes and essentials.
Towels, sleeping bags, pillows, movies and books.
A fantastic dog sitter.
A thoughtful house sitter.
Too much money spent on gas.
Hours and hours of driving.

A one week vacation.

Rock climbing, zip lines, rope swings, swimming, paddle boards, s'mores.

Friends.
Laughter.
Silliness.
Games.
Milkshakes.

Mountains, lakes, boulders, waterfalls and gigantic trees.

Hundreds of photographs.

Sickness.
Missing out.
Tears.
Hurts.
Disappointments.

God's grace ~ His goodness, His mercy, and His healing ~ they never fail!

HOME.

Bags are unpacked.
Food is put away.
6 of the 8 loads of laundry are done.
Little people are bathed and sound asleep in their own beds.

Big boys are clean, resting, and enjoying their dog.

Dennis is exercising, filling our refrigerator with fresh food, and preparing to teach junior high students in the morning.

I am weary, happy, hot, introspective, content, seeking the Lord's grace, and ready to lay beside my groom on clean bed sheets and dream of what tomorrow might bring.

God is so good, isn't He?

He is just so GOOD!

Hume Lake ~ Day 6.

Last night around 10 pm Dennis walked into our room and asked if I wanted to talk.  “Yes!”  I have not talked to another human in two days.  Well, not in complete sentences anyway.  My children did not want to come near me for fear of getting sick and Dennis had to care for the littles, so that left me to my own devices.  Which was pretty much sleeping 58 minutes of every hour.  I missed out on a lot but I also missed all of the re-caps and stories from their excursions.  I am sure they will entertain with me their tales for days to come!  

He sat and talked to me and filled me in on all of the goings on – our children, interactions with the other kids, what our friends have been doing, interesting anecdotes and memorable moments.  He did a good job because I felt like I was there and I could see everyone living out his descriptions.  He rubbed my feet with lotion while we watched the end of P&P together.  (A movie he refused to watch for years until he was working on his dissertation and was chained to the computer and could not get away while I indulged in the entire four hour epic one evening.  By the end he had his favorites and he was laughing and trying to figure out who belonged to whom.  I am happy to report that Dr. Dennis Eastman now understands my affection for Mr. DAHcy and Miss Elizabeth Bennet. <grin>)

We talked some more and then as he was falling asleep he reached over, held my hand and prayed for me ... and listening to Him go before the Lord on my behalf absolutely soothed my soul.  It was wonderful.  And when he beseeched the Lord to “heal my wife’s body” I felt a physical change … relaxed, peaceful, and I knew I was going to be well.

This morning I woke up at 5:30 am without aches or fever or nausea and I was ready to face the day.  I am still quite weak and can only manage one small task at a time, but I was able to shower and actually dry my hair, apply some make-up, wear real clothes and when I was done I actually felt, and looked, HUMAN again!   I asked Dennis if I could go enjoy some fresh air down by the lake and do some writing.  He responded, “Are you kidding?  GO!”  It was a wonderful hour of fresh air and blue skies.

Luke made breakfast for everyone and Dennis led our family devotion from Psalm 97.  He reminded us of everything we have seen this week – trees, water falls, the lake, blue dragonflies, the rock walls – and shared that all of creation is God’s fingerprint.  Just a tiny glimpse into all of His glory and splendor … and He allowed us to enjoy all of it!

The Lord reigns, let the earth be glad; let the distant shores rejoice.

Clouds and thick darkness surround Him; 

righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne.

Fire goes before Him and consumes His foes on every side.

His lightning lights up the world; the earth sees and trembles.

The mountains melt like wax before the Lord, before the Lord of all the earth.

The heavens proclaim His righteousness, and all the peoples see His glory.

He and the children set off at 9:30 for a boulder climb and a Shady Cove beach day.  I was not strong enough to engage in that level of activity so I chose to forego that adventure in order to be rested for an evening at the lake followed by a bonfire and s’mores.  Our last night ~ and I will actually get to be a part of it!  Yippee!

And then!  I was surprised to hear a knock on my door at 10:30 and opened it to find my friend Cindy standing there smiling at me!  She also chose to forego the boulder climb, so while they were all scaling rocks she snuck away to visit me.  It was wonderful to see another adult and talk about something other than my ailments and what we are having for dinner.  I thought she would only stay a minute but she had packed a lunch and settled in for a good two hours.  I did not know how much I needed to connect with someone until I saw her face.  But the Lord knew … He knows our needs before we even ask.

Dennis returned the littles for their nap, he and the big boys remained at the beach for a few more hours and then everyone reunited for showers, dinner and s’mores.  Until … Caleb said he was not feeling well and upon touching him, Dennis announced, “Fever!”  (You can imagine the lack of surprise on my face.  We knew we were on a 48 hour incubation - so he was right on cue.)  And that is when our plans changed.  We asked Caleb if he could manage 15 minutes in the car so we could go meet the other four families at the agreed upon time, and though he protested with tears, we begged him to go so we could say goodbye and wish them “happy trails.”  We managed to get some personal family photos, finally found our friends, said our goodbyes and spent the rest of the night caring for a sick boy and packing up our stuff to leave early in the morning.

Everyone definitely had a ‘favorite’ this vacation and we will have memories to talk about for weeks and months to come.  The kids especially – because for all they know, this was a flawless vacation!  If they only knew ...

And now, it is time to go home.