8.31.2011
8.30.2011
A goodbye.
This morning we said goodbye to the leader of our home.
Dennis, and three other Biola professors, are traveling to Beirut, Lebanon for an International Educator's Conference. They leave today and will fly home on September 11th. They are going to be speaking at the conference as well as traveling to different school sites to offer instruction and support. And in between the working hours, they will taken on tours and able to taste the flavor of this unique part of the world.
A cool thing ... one of D's best friends is a pastor and their church just happens to support missionaries in ~ Beirut! So the team will get to spend an evening or two in the home of an American couple, who love the Lord, and will help them understand and embrace the Lebanese culture. Such a blessing!
He is really excited about this trip, and though he is a homebody and prefers to be home more than abroad, he knows this is an opportunity of a lifetime and is sure the Lord has something good in store!
If you would be willing to lift up our family in prayer these next two weeks, we would certainly feel honored and humbled.
~ safety for Dennis and the team as they fly to an unsettled part of the world. We do not fear death, as we fully believe our days have been numbered and we are no more secure in our own living room than we are in a country at war. But there are certainly many other potential dangers that we do not face in the safety of America.
~ health for the team. Being sick or needing medical care in a foreign land is not always pleasant!
~ opportunities for them to share the Gospel and make a significant impact for Jesus Christ as they meet and interact with countless teachers, administrators, and students.
~ for our children as they feel the impact of not having their father come home each night, hearing his voice, making them laugh, cheering them on in sports, and keeping them on the right path. We will be acutely aware of his absence each day.
~ that I will have an extra measure of patience and grace as I parent alone and balance the needs of each child while running our home. I have declared this the "Week of Fun!" as it is our last week before school begins on Monday. We have a scattering of fun things planned each day and I prayed last night that the Lord would fill me with a passion and joy for my children as we spend time alone together these next two weeks.
Oh! And if you are bored and want to pop in for a visit, let me know!
Dennis, and three other Biola professors, are traveling to Beirut, Lebanon for an International Educator's Conference. They leave today and will fly home on September 11th. They are going to be speaking at the conference as well as traveling to different school sites to offer instruction and support. And in between the working hours, they will taken on tours and able to taste the flavor of this unique part of the world.
A cool thing ... one of D's best friends is a pastor and their church just happens to support missionaries in ~ Beirut! So the team will get to spend an evening or two in the home of an American couple, who love the Lord, and will help them understand and embrace the Lebanese culture. Such a blessing!
He is really excited about this trip, and though he is a homebody and prefers to be home more than abroad, he knows this is an opportunity of a lifetime and is sure the Lord has something good in store!
If you would be willing to lift up our family in prayer these next two weeks, we would certainly feel honored and humbled.
~ safety for Dennis and the team as they fly to an unsettled part of the world. We do not fear death, as we fully believe our days have been numbered and we are no more secure in our own living room than we are in a country at war. But there are certainly many other potential dangers that we do not face in the safety of America.
~ health for the team. Being sick or needing medical care in a foreign land is not always pleasant!
~ opportunities for them to share the Gospel and make a significant impact for Jesus Christ as they meet and interact with countless teachers, administrators, and students.
~ for our children as they feel the impact of not having their father come home each night, hearing his voice, making them laugh, cheering them on in sports, and keeping them on the right path. We will be acutely aware of his absence each day.
~ that I will have an extra measure of patience and grace as I parent alone and balance the needs of each child while running our home. I have declared this the "Week of Fun!" as it is our last week before school begins on Monday. We have a scattering of fun things planned each day and I prayed last night that the Lord would fill me with a passion and joy for my children as we spend time alone together these next two weeks.
Oh! And if you are bored and want to pop in for a visit, let me know!
A new family member!
Roman Timothy Miller
our nephew
born August 26, 2011
10 pounds, 11 ounces, 22.5 inches long
He looks just like my brother. (and some say me!)
Congratulations, Steven and CC and Lorenzo!
Your lives will never be the same.
We love you!
8.29.2011
True, and encouraging.
Last week I met an older couple and spent about 30 minutes talking to them about marriage, parenting, and life. It was fun to jump right into a weighty conversation with strangers and by the time we walked away from each other I was encouraged in my role as a mom.
I have been struggling in the area of patience with my children and feeling like such a failure. I think, "Why can't I just respond with a gentle answer? I pray for wisdom and patience, and yet, here I am, yelling AGAIN. What is wrong with me?!?"
Then the Lord sent this delightful couple, and of all the things we talked and laughed about (they have 5 children, ages 21 to 7, and homeschool as well) there was one statement that resonated with me and has kept fluttering through my mind.
When we got to the topic of patience, the wife said,
"There are days my husband comes home and I look at him frazzled and say, 'I feel like I am less patient now as a seasoned mother than I was as a new mother!' He smiles at me and says,
'Yes, because your patience wasn't TRIED when you had only one child. Now you have several children who are all sinful and selfish ... you have less of you to give to each one and more opportunities to have to control your temper.'"
She made a funny face, kind of a "I-knew-he-was right-but-I-was-hoping-for-something-more-helpful" look, and then smiled at me.
I sat there staring at both of them ~ stunned.
They had just described my life. I was impatient as a new mom, let's make that quite clear, but it was nowhere near the level now exhibited with all six of my children.
I know this may sound strange, but I felt like they gave me permission to not be perfectly patient all the time. It is true ~ having several children adds a lot of chaos and craziness and drama to daily life. But, the Lord equips those He calls, He promises to give wisdom in abundance, and He says we can do anything through His strength. But it is OUR CHOICE whether we embrace these truths or not.
I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders that day. And I was grateful. (and I find this man to be very, very wise)
The Lord is not done with this lesson, however. He has me on the mat and keeps wrestling with me in a couple specific areas. I am either learning impaired or flat out defiant, because I am exhausted from fighting, I am tired of the struggle, and I want off the mat! But He keeps grabbing my foot and pulling me back. Obviously I have not yet learned the lesson He is teaching me. So, I keep at it.
Recently someone shared something she has observed about my life ... as seen from the outside looking in, and though it was for a completely different reason, it seemed fitting for this same theme: Patience.
She said, "Michelle, you are balancing a lot right now. Forget the ministries and the homeschool group, and even homeschooling at all. You are in a phase of motherhood that is coming at you from all sides. You have a pre-teen who needs you emotionally and spiritually. You have boys who are active and need constant correction and training. You have toddlers who need discipline as well as assistance with many tasks, and then you have Ellie who needs you physically all day long. That is a lot!"
Oddly enough, I have never looked at my life from that perspective. Ever. But she is right! There was a time when I ONLY had the physical demands of babies and toddlers, and while exhausting, there was a reprieve during naps and early bed times. Now there is all of that plus a boy who is on the verge of becoming a man who needs a ton of my mental energy, and the combination is tiring. I keep thinking that my fatigue is due to getting old, but now I think it might be my children who are making me tired!
Anyway ... both of these events have given me much to think about (as if I need more fodder for the fire) and much to be grateful for. Though patience is a virtue, and one of the fruits of the Spirit, I think there is a REASON for my lack of it at times, and I do not need to beat myself up over it. I need to take it to the Lord and control my temper, of course, then remember that I am human, and give myself some freedom to mess up.
And, I need to remind myself that I am in a very unique and specific season of life with my children as they are spread from one end of the spectrum to another. I need to embrace the moments with my older guys as much as I cling to the fleeting ones with my babies. They will all end, these seasons, and there is no going back.
I am so thankful for random, unexpected conversations with strangers and friends that all weave together to create a lesson that is timely and purposeful. Apparently I need to be taught through all learning styles in order to absorb it, and I am okay with that. I really DO want to learn. I want to be better. And I want to keep a realistic outlook on this life that is already moving so fast. I will never achieve or find perfection, but I can certainly do my best to grab hold of the opportunities presented by the Lord on a daily, and sometimes hourly, basis and learn to ENJOY MORE and self-critique LESS.
And I am thinking ... perhaps we need to incorporate family nap time into our daily schedule because, I really am tired!
I have been struggling in the area of patience with my children and feeling like such a failure. I think, "Why can't I just respond with a gentle answer? I pray for wisdom and patience, and yet, here I am, yelling AGAIN. What is wrong with me?!?"
Then the Lord sent this delightful couple, and of all the things we talked and laughed about (they have 5 children, ages 21 to 7, and homeschool as well) there was one statement that resonated with me and has kept fluttering through my mind.
When we got to the topic of patience, the wife said,
"There are days my husband comes home and I look at him frazzled and say, 'I feel like I am less patient now as a seasoned mother than I was as a new mother!' He smiles at me and says,
'Yes, because your patience wasn't TRIED when you had only one child. Now you have several children who are all sinful and selfish ... you have less of you to give to each one and more opportunities to have to control your temper.'"
She made a funny face, kind of a "I-knew-he-was right-but-I-was-hoping-for-something-more-helpful" look, and then smiled at me.
I sat there staring at both of them ~ stunned.
They had just described my life. I was impatient as a new mom, let's make that quite clear, but it was nowhere near the level now exhibited with all six of my children.
I know this may sound strange, but I felt like they gave me permission to not be perfectly patient all the time. It is true ~ having several children adds a lot of chaos and craziness and drama to daily life. But, the Lord equips those He calls, He promises to give wisdom in abundance, and He says we can do anything through His strength. But it is OUR CHOICE whether we embrace these truths or not.
I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders that day. And I was grateful. (and I find this man to be very, very wise)
The Lord is not done with this lesson, however. He has me on the mat and keeps wrestling with me in a couple specific areas. I am either learning impaired or flat out defiant, because I am exhausted from fighting, I am tired of the struggle, and I want off the mat! But He keeps grabbing my foot and pulling me back. Obviously I have not yet learned the lesson He is teaching me. So, I keep at it.
Recently someone shared something she has observed about my life ... as seen from the outside looking in, and though it was for a completely different reason, it seemed fitting for this same theme: Patience.
She said, "Michelle, you are balancing a lot right now. Forget the ministries and the homeschool group, and even homeschooling at all. You are in a phase of motherhood that is coming at you from all sides. You have a pre-teen who needs you emotionally and spiritually. You have boys who are active and need constant correction and training. You have toddlers who need discipline as well as assistance with many tasks, and then you have Ellie who needs you physically all day long. That is a lot!"
Oddly enough, I have never looked at my life from that perspective. Ever. But she is right! There was a time when I ONLY had the physical demands of babies and toddlers, and while exhausting, there was a reprieve during naps and early bed times. Now there is all of that plus a boy who is on the verge of becoming a man who needs a ton of my mental energy, and the combination is tiring. I keep thinking that my fatigue is due to getting old, but now I think it might be my children who are making me tired!
Anyway ... both of these events have given me much to think about (as if I need more fodder for the fire) and much to be grateful for. Though patience is a virtue, and one of the fruits of the Spirit, I think there is a REASON for my lack of it at times, and I do not need to beat myself up over it. I need to take it to the Lord and control my temper, of course, then remember that I am human, and give myself some freedom to mess up.
And, I need to remind myself that I am in a very unique and specific season of life with my children as they are spread from one end of the spectrum to another. I need to embrace the moments with my older guys as much as I cling to the fleeting ones with my babies. They will all end, these seasons, and there is no going back.
I am so thankful for random, unexpected conversations with strangers and friends that all weave together to create a lesson that is timely and purposeful. Apparently I need to be taught through all learning styles in order to absorb it, and I am okay with that. I really DO want to learn. I want to be better. And I want to keep a realistic outlook on this life that is already moving so fast. I will never achieve or find perfection, but I can certainly do my best to grab hold of the opportunities presented by the Lord on a daily, and sometimes hourly, basis and learn to ENJOY MORE and self-critique LESS.
And I am thinking ... perhaps we need to incorporate family nap time into our daily schedule because, I really am tired!
8.27.2011
My turn.
I wrote this back in February, and was reminded of it today, when I was rebuked by a friend. Not for anything malicious or horrifying, but because I let myself fall into the trap of "solving a problem by talking about it to death when there is no reason to talk about it at all," and my friend corrected me. I was not surprised when she did, for I had already been thinking about, and regretting, the last time I brought it up. Kicking myself, actually, for letting satan slip in and take over rather than cutting him off at the pass by "taking my thoughts captive" and "keeping watch over the door of my mouth." I HATE when that happens!
So, I went back to read it and remind myself what rebuke means, God's purpose for it, and the blessing that comes from listening to it and repenting because of it. I was convicted by my own words so I thought I would share them again. Perhaps someone else is currently feeling the pull to serve the wrong master and could use a word of encouragement. I pray the Word of God will penetrate your heart right where you are and bring you to a place of surrender and peace. He certainly did that for me today. Praise Him for offering second, third and 290 chances!
And thank you to the friend who was obedient to this command ... because she turned me from sin!
*******************
Rebuke.
A word that makes us cringe.
An action that usually offends us.
A command we try incredibly hard to avoid doing.
A word that is 100% Biblical, required, needed, and life changing.
On the flip side, no one enjoys calling out sin in the life of another. It is awkward and uncomfortable at best. Disappointing and heart breaking if they respond in anger and walk away. Life changing for both, if it is received well, thought on, prayed over, and the person confesses and repents, restoration happens, and new life begins.
* Each time rebuke is commanded, it is partnered with a positive.
So, I went back to read it and remind myself what rebuke means, God's purpose for it, and the blessing that comes from listening to it and repenting because of it. I was convicted by my own words so I thought I would share them again. Perhaps someone else is currently feeling the pull to serve the wrong master and could use a word of encouragement. I pray the Word of God will penetrate your heart right where you are and bring you to a place of surrender and peace. He certainly did that for me today. Praise Him for offering second, third and 290 chances!
And thank you to the friend who was obedient to this command ... because she turned me from sin!
*******************
Rebuke.
A word that makes us cringe.
An action that usually offends us.
A command we try incredibly hard to avoid doing.
A word that is 100% Biblical, required, needed, and life changing.
“If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them." Luke 17:3
"Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear." II Timothy 4:2,3
“Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the people of Israel; so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me. When I say to the wicked, ‘You wicked person, you will surely die,' and you do not speak out to dissuade them from their ways, that wicked person will die for their sin, and I will hold you accountable for their blood. But if you do warn the wicked person to turn from their ways and they do not do so, they will die for their sin, though you yourself will be saved." Ezekiel 33:8
"For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age ...
These, then, are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you." Titus 2: 11,15
"My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins." James 5:19,20
"Better is open rebuke
Than love that is concealed.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy."
Than love that is concealed.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy."
Proverbs 27:5,6
"He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise."
Proverbs 15:31
No one likes being corrected, even when we know we are wrong. We know the sin that lurks within us, but we do not want anyone else knowing, let alone call it what it is and ask us to repent.
On the flip side, no one enjoys calling out sin in the life of another. It is awkward and uncomfortable at best. Disappointing and heart breaking if they respond in anger and walk away. Life changing for both, if it is received well, thought on, prayed over, and the person confesses and repents, restoration happens, and new life begins.
These Scriptures speak clearly - there is no need to explain them or try to prove why they are important. But there are two things that struck me as I was reading through all of them in context.
* There are no qualifying statements.
Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death UNLESS they are worried their friend may not like them anymore, then they do not have to turn them from sin, just let them continue on the path to destruction.
Encourage and rebuke with all authority IF you are in the mood and you think what they are doing is in conflict with God's Word.
I will hold you accountable for their blood UNLESS you are really tired and stressed out and just cannot deal with some else's problems.
* Each time rebuke is commanded, it is partnered with a positive.
~ rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them
~ rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction.
~ But if you do warn the wicked person to turn from their ways and they do not do so, they will die for their sin, though you yourself will be saved.
~ Encourage and rebuke with all authority.
~ Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.
~He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.
I find this fascinating and encouraging because ... every time the Lord rebukes us, personally or through another believer, He always, always, follows it with grace. Encourage, forgive, be saved, cover sins, wisdom ... we should crave these things. Pursue these things. And more importantly,
we should surround ourselves with people who will willingly and faithfully invest in our lives and search out our hearts so they can be the piece of iron the Lord will use to refine us and make us more like Him.
Because when rebuke is done correctly, Biblically, and with pure motives, the result is a heart and life that is stronger, more mature, and ready to pursue a loving, faithful, and just God who disciplines us BECAUSE He loves us.
How about you?
Do you have people in your life who care more about your holiness than your happiness?
Pray them in. Ask the Lord to bring just one. One person who will look you in the eye and ask the question no one else is willing to ask. One person who will boldly, with gentleness and love, listen to you share your heart and then take your hand, walk you to Scripture, and show you what the Lord has to say. One person who will get on her knees and go before the throne of grace with confidence on your behalf. Just one.
And though there may be moments that sting and cause you to wonder why you ever asked for this (on purpose!), you will also wonder how you ever managed life without her.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend.
8.26.2011
A little known fact ...
Did you know that I recorded an album?
Okay, so I was part of a backup crew of six children, for two songs, on an album that 99.9% of the world does not know about. That counts, right?
You need proof? Here it is! That is me ... front and center ... in the recording studio ... circa 1979'ish. (That was the year of the "pixie" and I hated every single day of that hair cut. Every year of my childhood, before and after, I had hair down past my shoulders.)
We were called "The Praise Life Pretzels" and when we performed we wore giant, glazed pretzels around our necks. Little did we know that one day these same pretzels would be the snack trend of every mall in America!
I still remember every song. I even had a solo one night in front of our entire church ~ Bethany Baptist Church in Long Beach.
Sometimes when I am singing my poor dog begins to howl,
and then I stop and say to him, "Please keep it to a growl."
I know the sound is hard to take, you've made it very clear,
but when I'm singing to my God it's music in His ear!
Sing to God
Sing to God
All ye little children sing to God!
And though the sound you make
may often sound like noise,
little children lift your voice ...
and sing to God, sing to God, sing to God, sing to God, sing to God, sing to God, sing to GOOOOOOOOD!
Dwight, the short one in the back, was my dog, and when I was scolding him I had to look down and shake my finger at him.
I can remember it like it happened yesterday!
8.24.2011
"She knew ..."
Last month I received an unexpected gift from a thoughtful woman. It is still one of my favorite things in our house and I look at it every day. What I did not know at the time was how impacted I would be by the note card that was attached. She signed it simply, "Be blessed."
It is the design on the front that the Lord has used to challenge and calm me over and over again. "She knew that her help came from the Lord."
I have stood and stared at that card more times than I can count over the past several weeks. When I feel overwhelmed as a mother, when I am sought for counsel and have no idea what to say, when I feel confused and befuddled, and when I simply do not even know how to pray. "She knew ..."
I do know where my help comes from, and I know He is all sufficient to meet my every need. He is able to meet the need of everyone who calls on His name.
Today I was drowning in a sea of confusion and doubt as I tried to reconcile an issue that has been going on for quite some time. After repeating, "Lord, show me what I am missing. I know there is something I am not seeing and no matter how hard I try I cannot make it come together. Please show me." about six times, I laid down for a rest and fell asleep with those words on my tongue and the prayer in my heart. I was jarred awake by the voices of my people and walked into the kitchen for some water. The first thing my eyes rested on was the card.
"She knew that her help came from the Lord."
He answered me!
I do not need to know what is missing. I do not need to know what He is doing, with whom, or when. I just need to remember who He is, what He is capable of, and be ready and willing to obey when He calls on me to do so.
My confusion? Gone. My doubts? Dissolved.
My contentment? REAL.
I lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip-
He who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, He who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you-
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm-
He will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Psalm 121
8.20.2011
Reflections, #2.
The first reflection was my spectacular ability to shut off all emotion when I do not want to deal with it.
# 2. The stunning example of the truth that others often bear the consequences of my sin.
The scene:
The house is humming along as usual ... boys doing their chores, the littles running/crawling around enjoy themselves, I am working on school stuff.
It gets very quiet, which, as any parent knows, can be a very good thing or a very bad thing. Just as I am about to do a walk about and check in on everyone, Josiah comes in and says, "Mom! there is water all over the floor in the hallway!" What?!?!?!
I walk in the guest bathroom to find Isaiah standing at the sink, the drain clogged with shredded paper, as water pours down onto the flooded floor and seeps into the hallway. I scream, shut off the water, grab Isaiah and push him out of the bathroom as I yell, "YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY IN THE BATHROOM! YOU KNOW BETTER!", pull the paper from the drain so the water can go down, and yell for the boys to get me towels. All of this took place in about 22 seconds.
As I am soaking up the water in gigantic towels, Luke says, "Mom! Mom! Isaiah is bleeding!" I look over, see him crying, but do not see the blood. "He's fine." "No he's not! Look at his chin!" I drop the towels, walk over and sure enough, his chin is split open a good inch. He needs stitches. There is no doubt.
When I grabbed him from the toilet and pushed him out of the bathroom, I did not take one second to think about what I was doing. It never crossed my mind that because the hall floor was flooded, and because it is a wood floor, it is quite slippery. He slid on the water, fell flat on his face and thwacked his chin, splitting it instantly.
Because of me.
The reality of this hit me instantly and I felt like the worst mother ever. I picked him up, put a towel on his chin to stop the bleeding, and held him in my arms as he calmed down. He quietly sat there staring at me with those gigantic blue eyes of his ... totally unaware that this woman, offering him security and comfort, was the very one who caused his pain and injury.
Because she did not control her temper.
I think about this scene and imagine the way it could have gone. Josiah informs me of the flood, I stand up, ask the Lord to keep me calm and rational, remembering that children make foolish mistakes because they are children, walk to the bathroom where I see the flood, turn off the water, pick up Isaiah, take him out of the bathroom to give to the brothers while I clean up the mess. The flood is stopped. The bathroom cleaned. The child is reprimanded for his foolishness. We move on with our day, eat lunch and take naps - everyone restored and content.
Instead, we spent three hours in an emergency room.
I will never forget that day. It is not the only day I have blown it as a mother. It is not the only day I have made poor choices or acted in the flesh rather than in the Spirit. And it will not be the last. What sets this day apart is the lesson the Lord taught me. Even more, the fact that it had to be such an embarrassing, humiliating, and harsh lesson ... because it means that I was not listening to Him when He was speaking to me in His still, small voice. But, I did not listen to the soft voice, so it had to get louder. And louder. AND LOUDER.
I have shared my struggle with anger before. (See any of these for a frame of reference!) And I know I am not alone in this struggle. Women share with me all the time that this is a weakness. Some of us come from a generational line of people with tempers - it was modeled for us. Some of us never even knew we could yell until we had children. Regardless, we are in sin. We are living in the flesh and we react in a selfish and negative way when we do not get our way. It is embarrassing, isn't it? It should be.
Though I know this sin invades me, I have never, ever seen the consequence of it so tangibly displayed as it was that day in the bathroom. I know I have hurt the feelings of my kids, made them sad, or made them feel unaccepted or unloved because I could not control my tongue or keep my voice level and calm. I have apologized more times than I care to admit, and not apologized more times than I care to admit.
But that day ... that day, there was a physical consequence for my sin, and it was not my own. My son had to bear it. A sweet little two-year-old boy. Was he wrong to flood the bathroom? Yes. Does he know without a doubt that he is not even allowed IN the bathroom? Yep. Did he disobey? Yes. Did he deserve discipline? Yes.
But he did not deserve to have a mother, with red face, in a fit of temper because she did not stop to think before she acted, push him out of the way in order to save a bathroom. A bathroom! Made of tile and ceramic ... completely durable and able to withstand water. I chose the state of a bathroom over my son. And because of that, he was injured. I know he could have slipped on the water even if I had gently escorted him out of the bathroom. I know he gets injured tripping on air. It is the way of life with little boys. They get hurt.
But this one was on me.
Someone else had to bear the pain of my selfishness and sin.
That day it was my son.
Two thousand years ago it was my Savior.
Lord, I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. I did not honor You the day I cared more about stuff than I cared about the child You gave me. Sometimes I feel like I am never going to have mastery in this area. My patience is tried minute-by-minute most days, and while I have moments of victory, I have many more that are filled with defeat. Show me what I am missing. Help me to see the cracks where satan slides in so I can shore them up and make my foundation more solid and sure. I hate this part of me, Lord. I absolutely hate it. But You knew. You knew that with every child would come more opportunities for growth as I had less of me to give to each of them. But You promise me, Lord, you PROMISE me that I can do anything through Your strength. You promise You will never leave me or forsake me. You ask me to lay my burdens at Your feet. To surrender myself and follow You. To keep my eyes fixed ahead. You ask me to be still and know that You are God. That is where I want to live, Lord. In stillness. In contentment ... gentleness ... joy. Help me, Lord. Please help me. I am at the end of myself.
# 2. The stunning example of the truth that others often bear the consequences of my sin.
The scene:
The house is humming along as usual ... boys doing their chores, the littles running/crawling around enjoy themselves, I am working on school stuff.
It gets very quiet, which, as any parent knows, can be a very good thing or a very bad thing. Just as I am about to do a walk about and check in on everyone, Josiah comes in and says, "Mom! there is water all over the floor in the hallway!" What?!?!?!
I walk in the guest bathroom to find Isaiah standing at the sink, the drain clogged with shredded paper, as water pours down onto the flooded floor and seeps into the hallway. I scream, shut off the water, grab Isaiah and push him out of the bathroom as I yell, "YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY IN THE BATHROOM! YOU KNOW BETTER!", pull the paper from the drain so the water can go down, and yell for the boys to get me towels. All of this took place in about 22 seconds.
As I am soaking up the water in gigantic towels, Luke says, "Mom! Mom! Isaiah is bleeding!" I look over, see him crying, but do not see the blood. "He's fine." "No he's not! Look at his chin!" I drop the towels, walk over and sure enough, his chin is split open a good inch. He needs stitches. There is no doubt.
When I grabbed him from the toilet and pushed him out of the bathroom, I did not take one second to think about what I was doing. It never crossed my mind that because the hall floor was flooded, and because it is a wood floor, it is quite slippery. He slid on the water, fell flat on his face and thwacked his chin, splitting it instantly.
Because of me.
The reality of this hit me instantly and I felt like the worst mother ever. I picked him up, put a towel on his chin to stop the bleeding, and held him in my arms as he calmed down. He quietly sat there staring at me with those gigantic blue eyes of his ... totally unaware that this woman, offering him security and comfort, was the very one who caused his pain and injury.
Because she did not control her temper.
I think about this scene and imagine the way it could have gone. Josiah informs me of the flood, I stand up, ask the Lord to keep me calm and rational, remembering that children make foolish mistakes because they are children, walk to the bathroom where I see the flood, turn off the water, pick up Isaiah, take him out of the bathroom to give to the brothers while I clean up the mess. The flood is stopped. The bathroom cleaned. The child is reprimanded for his foolishness. We move on with our day, eat lunch and take naps - everyone restored and content.
Instead, we spent three hours in an emergency room.
I will never forget that day. It is not the only day I have blown it as a mother. It is not the only day I have made poor choices or acted in the flesh rather than in the Spirit. And it will not be the last. What sets this day apart is the lesson the Lord taught me. Even more, the fact that it had to be such an embarrassing, humiliating, and harsh lesson ... because it means that I was not listening to Him when He was speaking to me in His still, small voice. But, I did not listen to the soft voice, so it had to get louder. And louder. AND LOUDER.
I have shared my struggle with anger before. (See any of these for a frame of reference!) And I know I am not alone in this struggle. Women share with me all the time that this is a weakness. Some of us come from a generational line of people with tempers - it was modeled for us. Some of us never even knew we could yell until we had children. Regardless, we are in sin. We are living in the flesh and we react in a selfish and negative way when we do not get our way. It is embarrassing, isn't it? It should be.
Though I know this sin invades me, I have never, ever seen the consequence of it so tangibly displayed as it was that day in the bathroom. I know I have hurt the feelings of my kids, made them sad, or made them feel unaccepted or unloved because I could not control my tongue or keep my voice level and calm. I have apologized more times than I care to admit, and not apologized more times than I care to admit.
But that day ... that day, there was a physical consequence for my sin, and it was not my own. My son had to bear it. A sweet little two-year-old boy. Was he wrong to flood the bathroom? Yes. Does he know without a doubt that he is not even allowed IN the bathroom? Yep. Did he disobey? Yes. Did he deserve discipline? Yes.
But he did not deserve to have a mother, with red face, in a fit of temper because she did not stop to think before she acted, push him out of the way in order to save a bathroom. A bathroom! Made of tile and ceramic ... completely durable and able to withstand water. I chose the state of a bathroom over my son. And because of that, he was injured. I know he could have slipped on the water even if I had gently escorted him out of the bathroom. I know he gets injured tripping on air. It is the way of life with little boys. They get hurt.
But this one was on me.
Someone else had to bear the pain of my selfishness and sin.
That day it was my son.
Two thousand years ago it was my Savior.
In that old rugged cross, stained with blood so divine,
A wondrous beauty I see,
For ’twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,
To pardon and sanctify me.
A wondrous beauty I see,
For ’twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,
To pardon and sanctify me.
Lord, I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. I did not honor You the day I cared more about stuff than I cared about the child You gave me. Sometimes I feel like I am never going to have mastery in this area. My patience is tried minute-by-minute most days, and while I have moments of victory, I have many more that are filled with defeat. Show me what I am missing. Help me to see the cracks where satan slides in so I can shore them up and make my foundation more solid and sure. I hate this part of me, Lord. I absolutely hate it. But You knew. You knew that with every child would come more opportunities for growth as I had less of me to give to each of them. But You promise me, Lord, you PROMISE me that I can do anything through Your strength. You promise You will never leave me or forsake me. You ask me to lay my burdens at Your feet. To surrender myself and follow You. To keep my eyes fixed ahead. You ask me to be still and know that You are God. That is where I want to live, Lord. In stillness. In contentment ... gentleness ... joy. Help me, Lord. Please help me. I am at the end of myself.
So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown.
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown.
My littles ...
... are getting big!
I have always had the privilege of holding a baby while I watch my older children grow up. I never realized how precious this was until I knew that Ellie would be our last. Every time I have to put away baby/toddler clothes that are outgrown I am reminded that I will never need them again. Diaper bags are being replaced with stylish gigantic purses to hold the necessities. A crib was given away. Car seats take up less room in the van. Bottles are gone.
These reminders of an era that is quickly coming to an end still sadden me at times, but the emotion does not last as long and I quickly choose to praise God for what I have - who I have - and my heart is filled with gratitude and a knowledge that there is still so much more to come.
I will never again know the feeling of a newborn curled on my chest, or the joy of seeing the first tooth come in, but there are a thousand other joys that are on their way. Joys I have never known. Joys I cannot even begin to guess. And I am excited!
But it does make me cling to, and appreciate, the moments I have with these little people. I want to video them every day. All of those moments that seemed so "boring" with the others. My camera never stops clicking. I look at Micah and see that a decade is but a blink of an eye, and I have a new resolve to soak up every opportunity to hold, read to, and laugh with these three little ones that I was given by a wonderful and perfect God.
I know I will not remember everything, recall every detail, but I know I will always remember the everyday, the normal, the hugs, the kisses, the quirks, the personalities, and most of all, that I was chosen for this. Each child, in the order they came, was designed by a great God who wanted me as their mother. With all of my flaws and mistakes ... He wanted them to have me. I pray I will be found worthy.
And today? I am going to hug them too much, forgive their childish foolishness, laugh at unfunny jokes ~ remembering all the while that they are not really mine. They are HIS. And I have a tremendous responsibility to care for them as He calls me to. With complete focus, attention, sacrifice, and selflessness. A high calling for sure. Impossible to accomplish on my own. But completely attainable when I walk hand in hand with the One who chose me for this, and equipped me for this calling. I am blessed. And I am aware of it.
Thank You, Lord!
I have always had the privilege of holding a baby while I watch my older children grow up. I never realized how precious this was until I knew that Ellie would be our last. Every time I have to put away baby/toddler clothes that are outgrown I am reminded that I will never need them again. Diaper bags are being replaced with stylish gigantic purses to hold the necessities. A crib was given away. Car seats take up less room in the van. Bottles are gone.These reminders of an era that is quickly coming to an end still sadden me at times, but the emotion does not last as long and I quickly choose to praise God for what I have - who I have - and my heart is filled with gratitude and a knowledge that there is still so much more to come.
I will never again know the feeling of a newborn curled on my chest, or the joy of seeing the first tooth come in, but there are a thousand other joys that are on their way. Joys I have never known. Joys I cannot even begin to guess. And I am excited!
But it does make me cling to, and appreciate, the moments I have with these little people. I want to video them every day. All of those moments that seemed so "boring" with the others. My camera never stops clicking. I look at Micah and see that a decade is but a blink of an eye, and I have a new resolve to soak up every opportunity to hold, read to, and laugh with these three little ones that I was given by a wonderful and perfect God.I know I will not remember everything, recall every detail, but I know I will always remember the everyday, the normal, the hugs, the kisses, the quirks, the personalities, and most of all, that I was chosen for this. Each child, in the order they came, was designed by a great God who wanted me as their mother. With all of my flaws and mistakes ... He wanted them to have me. I pray I will be found worthy.
And today? I am going to hug them too much, forgive their childish foolishness, laugh at unfunny jokes ~ remembering all the while that they are not really mine. They are HIS. And I have a tremendous responsibility to care for them as He calls me to. With complete focus, attention, sacrifice, and selflessness. A high calling for sure. Impossible to accomplish on my own. But completely attainable when I walk hand in hand with the One who chose me for this, and equipped me for this calling. I am blessed. And I am aware of it.Thank You, Lord!
8.19.2011
More perspective, please.
These past few weeks have held in them some very distressing moments. Moments when I felt completely helpless, when I felt confused, sad, frustrated, and wanted to scream, "Lord, enough!"
There were two very specific moments, when I could not even speak, could not even think, because every part of my being felt frozen - paralyzed. I tried to pray, but I could not.
And then, both times, the Lord sent someone to remind me that there is much more to life than what is happening in my tiny world. Though my world can seem incredibly big and as if every decision and action affects the entire planet, it simply isn't so. In fact, it is arrogant and ludicrous to think that way.
I am one person among millions. My home, my church, my family, my neighborhood .... one small sphere that is enveloped by a huge and active earth filled with people with their own homes/churches/families/neighborhoods. They have their own hurts, joys, struggles, memories, intellect, and skills. And none of them are affected by me. None of them are losing sleep because I am frustrated with a piece of my own world. They exist, they love, they laugh, they cry, and they praise and worship a God who is observing it all ... searching the earth for those whose hearts are stayed on Him.
My heart was stayed as I soaked in the words of these two people, strangers, whom the Lord sent at exactly the moment I needed to hear from Him, when I needed to be reminded of the outside world and how much they too need a Savior.
First was a man who shared the story of his sick, dying wife and how the Lord performed a miracle to restore and heal her. He publicly praised God for His goodness and mercy and shared his joy over the truth that he and his children still have her and cherish each day - because they know it is a gift - one that could easily not have been given.
"Did you hear him, daughter? I know you are hurting right now and feeling like you want to fix everything. But you can't. I am God. You are not. And I am always at work, Michelle. I never sleep nor slumber, I am able to see back to the day I created the universe, and I can see all the way into eternity. I know how this ends. You don't, and I am glad, because truthfully, you would not be able to bear the burden of such knowledge. Michelle, think about what this man shared. Today. In the midst of your turmoil. There is a whole world of people who need life breathed into them. A world that needs encouragement and strength when they are groping for a way out of the darkness. A world that is clinging to one another, weeping, crying out for release from the pain that surrounds them. And still they praise Me. Because I am at work. You may not understand My ways, and why I allow certain things to happen, but You need to trust Me. If you really believe that I am God, if you trust My character and rely on My sovereignty, then you need to just let go. Search My Word. Talk to Me. Be still and listen for My voice. And trust Me for the details, Michelle. I know what I am doing."
And then last night, I was flipping through the channels in a zombie-like-state due to pure exhaustion and I settled on a show that has always intrigued me, though I still cannot guess why. Not godly. In fact, I am quite sure everyone on the show lives a life shaking their fist at God. But a couple entered the drama and shared a story that gripped me. They were going to a military welcome home party, dropped off their two children with their parents, and a few hours later received a phone call that their baby girl was not breathing. They rushed to the hospital only to hear, "We are sorry. We did everything we could, but she did not make it. She died of SIDS." The father said he screamed and clung to the crib because there was nothing else he could do. He was at the end of himself.
They buried their daughter. Long before anyone would think was acceptable. And they will never be the same.
As I wept with them, remembering a baby boy, without life, lying in my own arms, the Lord said again, "Do you see, Michelle? Everywhere there are hurting people. Your world may seem big and overwhelming, but it is really so very small. Look UP. Look at ME. Stop putting your faith and hope in men, and trust the Only One who knows all ... even when it does not make sense. I know it rarely does when you are in the middle of it, but think of all the times I walked with you through the valley, holding your hand, supporting you, and showing you how to reach the other side. The side where living water flows abundantly, the meadows are beautiful and still, refreshment for your soul awaits, your head will be covered with oil, and you will dwell with Me forever. That is where we are going, Michelle. Keep your gaze fixed on Me, and we will get there together."
I turned off the television and said, "Lord, please bring more. Every time I am tempted to fall into despair because of the chaos that surrounds me, bring more perspective. Every day, every hour, if need be. Just take me outside of SELF, and let me see others. Let me see YOU."
There were two very specific moments, when I could not even speak, could not even think, because every part of my being felt frozen - paralyzed. I tried to pray, but I could not.
And then, both times, the Lord sent someone to remind me that there is much more to life than what is happening in my tiny world. Though my world can seem incredibly big and as if every decision and action affects the entire planet, it simply isn't so. In fact, it is arrogant and ludicrous to think that way.
I am one person among millions. My home, my church, my family, my neighborhood .... one small sphere that is enveloped by a huge and active earth filled with people with their own homes/churches/families/neighborhoods. They have their own hurts, joys, struggles, memories, intellect, and skills. And none of them are affected by me. None of them are losing sleep because I am frustrated with a piece of my own world. They exist, they love, they laugh, they cry, and they praise and worship a God who is observing it all ... searching the earth for those whose hearts are stayed on Him.
My heart was stayed as I soaked in the words of these two people, strangers, whom the Lord sent at exactly the moment I needed to hear from Him, when I needed to be reminded of the outside world and how much they too need a Savior.
First was a man who shared the story of his sick, dying wife and how the Lord performed a miracle to restore and heal her. He publicly praised God for His goodness and mercy and shared his joy over the truth that he and his children still have her and cherish each day - because they know it is a gift - one that could easily not have been given.
"Did you hear him, daughter? I know you are hurting right now and feeling like you want to fix everything. But you can't. I am God. You are not. And I am always at work, Michelle. I never sleep nor slumber, I am able to see back to the day I created the universe, and I can see all the way into eternity. I know how this ends. You don't, and I am glad, because truthfully, you would not be able to bear the burden of such knowledge. Michelle, think about what this man shared. Today. In the midst of your turmoil. There is a whole world of people who need life breathed into them. A world that needs encouragement and strength when they are groping for a way out of the darkness. A world that is clinging to one another, weeping, crying out for release from the pain that surrounds them. And still they praise Me. Because I am at work. You may not understand My ways, and why I allow certain things to happen, but You need to trust Me. If you really believe that I am God, if you trust My character and rely on My sovereignty, then you need to just let go. Search My Word. Talk to Me. Be still and listen for My voice. And trust Me for the details, Michelle. I know what I am doing."
And then last night, I was flipping through the channels in a zombie-like-state due to pure exhaustion and I settled on a show that has always intrigued me, though I still cannot guess why. Not godly. In fact, I am quite sure everyone on the show lives a life shaking their fist at God. But a couple entered the drama and shared a story that gripped me. They were going to a military welcome home party, dropped off their two children with their parents, and a few hours later received a phone call that their baby girl was not breathing. They rushed to the hospital only to hear, "We are sorry. We did everything we could, but she did not make it. She died of SIDS." The father said he screamed and clung to the crib because there was nothing else he could do. He was at the end of himself.
They buried their daughter. Long before anyone would think was acceptable. And they will never be the same.
As I wept with them, remembering a baby boy, without life, lying in my own arms, the Lord said again, "Do you see, Michelle? Everywhere there are hurting people. Your world may seem big and overwhelming, but it is really so very small. Look UP. Look at ME. Stop putting your faith and hope in men, and trust the Only One who knows all ... even when it does not make sense. I know it rarely does when you are in the middle of it, but think of all the times I walked with you through the valley, holding your hand, supporting you, and showing you how to reach the other side. The side where living water flows abundantly, the meadows are beautiful and still, refreshment for your soul awaits, your head will be covered with oil, and you will dwell with Me forever. That is where we are going, Michelle. Keep your gaze fixed on Me, and we will get there together."
I turned off the television and said, "Lord, please bring more. Every time I am tempted to fall into despair because of the chaos that surrounds me, bring more perspective. Every day, every hour, if need be. Just take me outside of SELF, and let me see others. Let me see YOU."
The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
Psalm 23
8.16.2011
A lesson in humility.
For the past three days our oldest boys have been displaying their sin for the world to see. Some are little silly things bred mostly from immaturity, and others are just plain selfishness without any regard for the thoughts, feelings, or concerns of others.
Dennis and I are about at our wits end, and find ourselves looking at each other with incredulity. "Did we really raise these kinds of kids?" "When did we fail?" "Is there an invisible shield that is keeping all of the Scripture that has been poured into them from penetrating their minds?" "What HAPPENED?"
After today's episode (which, of course, happened in front of our neighbor to add another level of shame and despondency to our family) I was DONE. We called them over to the lawn, I asked about three questions to collect facts, and then I stood up and looked at Dennis declaring, "I am out. I am going to say something I will regret. They are yours." And I walked away.
I came in the house and just sat here wondering what in the world I was missing. I am on my kids like a cheap suit in the summertime - hot and uncomfortable - where did satan get room to slip in? When did I look away long enough for him to get a foothold in the hearts of my kids? And more importantly, what do I need to do to get them back? You see, today's episode was not a first offense. It is the same thing over and over and OVER. I am sure there is another mother reading this saying, "You're preachin' to the choir, honey! Come on!" but sometimes it feels like every other woman has complete control over the behavior of her children, she never has to raise her voice, they obey without being reminded to do so, and they cling to her bosom professing their eternal love and admiration whenever she leaves the house.
I came in the house and just sat here wondering what in the world I was missing. I am on my kids like a cheap suit in the summertime - hot and uncomfortable - where did satan get room to slip in? When did I look away long enough for him to get a foothold in the hearts of my kids? And more importantly, what do I need to do to get them back? You see, today's episode was not a first offense. It is the same thing over and over and OVER. I am sure there is another mother reading this saying, "You're preachin' to the choir, honey! Come on!" but sometimes it feels like every other woman has complete control over the behavior of her children, she never has to raise her voice, they obey without being reminded to do so, and they cling to her bosom professing their eternal love and admiration whenever she leaves the house.
Where can I buy a bottle of that?
I literally sat here, open-mouthed, and looked into the heavens imploringly, waiting for some illuminated sign to fall from the skies instructing me how to move forward. No sign came, but a voice did. "Pray for your children. Stop trying to fix them, Michelle. Give them back to Me. I made them. I chose their character qualities. I designed their strengths, talents, skills, and, brace yourself daughter, I knew how satan would grab them, and I know how to fight for them. Every battle. Every war. They don't stand alone, Michelle. They never have. Stop trying to be their Savior and just be their mom. Pray for them. Encourage them. Love them through their mistakes, and show them how to forgive. They are My children, more than they are yours ... let go, and trust Me. Trust Me."
I took a deep breath and got up. I went about our usual nightly routines of dinner and baths and preparing the house for tomorrow - and while I was doing this, it hit me. I called the boys into the room and shared with them a simple truth: You are the only ones who get to choose your reputation. What do you want people to think of when they hear the name Eastman? Dread? Joy? Excitement? Only you can decide which one it will be. Only you. And remember, it takes a lifetime to build a good reputation, but it takes one foolish act to destroy it. There are people throughout all of history who have done some fantastic things, but when you hear their name, they are only remembered for one thing ... everything else is forgotten. (We went through a list of such people and they were shocked to see how accurate I was.) I reminded them that as sons of God - as boys who have chosen to surrender their lives to Him - they are held to a high expectation of godliness and righteousness. And they are the only ones who can choose if they will succeed in such a calling.
It was wonderful. They heard me, and right before they went to bed I called Luke in to share another thought with him and we engaged in a 15 minute conversation that surprised both of us. I challenged him with gentleness and sincerity and he walked away a little bit taller and with a much softer spirit.
What a wonder it is that God ever keeps His patience with us. We are created in His image yet we manage to appear as dumb as bricks sometimes. Thank You, Lord, for exhibiting long suffering and grace with me - every single day - multiple times a day - and drawing me ever closer to You each time. I wish I could learn faster, for Your sake, but I know that there is always "such a time as this."
A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.
Proverbs 22:1
A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth.
Ecclesiastes 7:1
Ecclesiastes 7:1
Like a fluttering sparrow or a darting swallow, an undeserved curse does not come to rest.
Proverbs 6:2
8.15.2011
8.14.2011
Reflecting ...
... on two things I have been avoiding.
The Lord keeps bringing them back to mind and shows no sign of relenting. I learned long ago that this is how He deals with me. Until I sit and listen to Him, search His Word for answers, and work through the issue, I will not find rest. So, here I am, facing two thoughts/emotions that make me uncomfortable and, quite frankly, embarrassed.
The first - my spectacular ability to shut off all emotion when I do not want to deal with it.
Second - the stunning example of the truth that others often bear the consequences of my sin.
When we took Isaiah to the hospital for his sedated hearing test, the only thing that concerned me was the actual sedation. They explained what would happen step-by-step and we felt confident with the doctors and staff. We would be with Isaiah until he fell asleep, and then we would be escorted to the waiting room. I thought, "Okay. Sounds simple enough!"
I was wrong. Actually, I flipped my emotional switch the second we stepped out of the car. I have never been at CHOC for my own child, and I was totally overwhelmed by the sheer size of the waiting room and the mass of families littering the couches and chairs and every other available space. Some were light-hearted, some were crying, and it struck me: I could be walking into this place for a very different, very life-changing reason, and I'm not. My perspective became very clear.
But it did not bring the emotion back.
How is it possible for a person to completely remove themselves from emotion? I was not abused and I never had to disassociate from something horrible to survive. Have I suffered disappointment and rejection and neglect? Of course! But who hasn't? How come some people are driven by emotion and others look as though they have none? People with emotion are labeled "dramatic" and the others are labeled "cold" or my personal favorite - "ice (wo)man." Is there no middle line?
Though the Lord keeps bringing this to my mind, I have not found any resolution. The most logical thought is: fear. I am afraid of being overwhelmed by emotion, so I never let it happen. At some point in my life, avoiding it was not enough so I learned how to completely detach from a situation. I remember when my grandma died, a woman I admired and adored ... I wept and cried and mourned her death. But when the plane hit the tarmac, the steps were lowered, and my foot hit the ground, I felt myself shut down. I remember it as clearly as if it happened this morning. Did I think I could not focus and be helpful if I was blubbering? Did I think I would appear weak - and that was unacceptable? Did I think I could not handle the deep emotion?
It really is infuriating at times. It is a coping strategy for sure, but I am really not sure it honors the Lord. I know people appreciate my strength in times of crisis, but I am quite sure they do not always feel my compassion. I know and feel the ache in my heart, but it is usually drawn out in private, not where everyone can see me and watch me work through those emotions. I have tried to fake it in the past, just to appear "normal" but it didn't work. I often wonder, "What is wrong with me?!?!?"
But then, someone calls or pulls me aside at church and pours out her heart. She is broken, filled with emotion, and cannot see clearly. She looks at me and says, "Michelle, I know you are totally not emotional and can see things from a different perspective. What do you think?"
I am speechless. The thing I see as a weakness, she sees as a strength. How can that be?
And then I realize, "You know what, Lord? I have no idea why I do this, why I purposely shut down when faced with an emotional moment. But You do! You know that it can be both beneficial and destructive, and You allow it. I never feel ashamed of it, necessarily, but I do recognize that there has to be a more balanced way. What does that look like? How can I get there, Lord? And more importantly - what would please and honor YOU?"
When I looked at my 2-year-old son, passed out on an operating table with a mask over his face, he looked like he was dead. I was shaken to my core. It was not at all what I expected. But did I cry? Did I fall into Dennis' arms to seek his comfort? Nope. I stood straight up after kissing Isaiah's cheek, said thank you to the doctors, and marched to the waiting room like an obedient soldier. I talked about everything but my feelings, my thoughts, or my concerns ~ even though they were right there, bubbling at the surface.
I am never going to be emotional enough for some, this I know. I will never be described as merciful or compassion-filled. I understand. But I hope, I really really hope, that my dry eyes and steady voice will not mask the truth that I love deeply, I love forever, and I am loyal unto death. The tears do flow, my heart does break, and my requests for mercy before the Lord are sincere and consistent. I will always be the steady friend - the one who is good in crisis and can keep her head - the one who will have logical insight and provide direction and clarity - the friend who will never leave your side.
I may not have discovered the secret of these spectacular displays of emotional shut-downs, but I know that I am a child of a God who is not confused, concerned, or worried about how my fallen self will be used for His glory or for His perfect will.
And that is exactly where my mind needs to be stayed ... straight ahead, fixed on the face of a wonderful God who made me just as I am, on purpose ... and has a desire for me far greater than I could ever design. How wonderful it is to be HIS!
Oh my goodness! I did not even get to #2 ... next time!
The Lord keeps bringing them back to mind and shows no sign of relenting. I learned long ago that this is how He deals with me. Until I sit and listen to Him, search His Word for answers, and work through the issue, I will not find rest. So, here I am, facing two thoughts/emotions that make me uncomfortable and, quite frankly, embarrassed.
The first - my spectacular ability to shut off all emotion when I do not want to deal with it.
Second - the stunning example of the truth that others often bear the consequences of my sin.
When we took Isaiah to the hospital for his sedated hearing test, the only thing that concerned me was the actual sedation. They explained what would happen step-by-step and we felt confident with the doctors and staff. We would be with Isaiah until he fell asleep, and then we would be escorted to the waiting room. I thought, "Okay. Sounds simple enough!"
I was wrong. Actually, I flipped my emotional switch the second we stepped out of the car. I have never been at CHOC for my own child, and I was totally overwhelmed by the sheer size of the waiting room and the mass of families littering the couches and chairs and every other available space. Some were light-hearted, some were crying, and it struck me: I could be walking into this place for a very different, very life-changing reason, and I'm not. My perspective became very clear.
But it did not bring the emotion back.
How is it possible for a person to completely remove themselves from emotion? I was not abused and I never had to disassociate from something horrible to survive. Have I suffered disappointment and rejection and neglect? Of course! But who hasn't? How come some people are driven by emotion and others look as though they have none? People with emotion are labeled "dramatic" and the others are labeled "cold" or my personal favorite - "ice (wo)man." Is there no middle line?
Though the Lord keeps bringing this to my mind, I have not found any resolution. The most logical thought is: fear. I am afraid of being overwhelmed by emotion, so I never let it happen. At some point in my life, avoiding it was not enough so I learned how to completely detach from a situation. I remember when my grandma died, a woman I admired and adored ... I wept and cried and mourned her death. But when the plane hit the tarmac, the steps were lowered, and my foot hit the ground, I felt myself shut down. I remember it as clearly as if it happened this morning. Did I think I could not focus and be helpful if I was blubbering? Did I think I would appear weak - and that was unacceptable? Did I think I could not handle the deep emotion?
It really is infuriating at times. It is a coping strategy for sure, but I am really not sure it honors the Lord. I know people appreciate my strength in times of crisis, but I am quite sure they do not always feel my compassion. I know and feel the ache in my heart, but it is usually drawn out in private, not where everyone can see me and watch me work through those emotions. I have tried to fake it in the past, just to appear "normal" but it didn't work. I often wonder, "What is wrong with me?!?!?"
But then, someone calls or pulls me aside at church and pours out her heart. She is broken, filled with emotion, and cannot see clearly. She looks at me and says, "Michelle, I know you are totally not emotional and can see things from a different perspective. What do you think?"
I am speechless. The thing I see as a weakness, she sees as a strength. How can that be?
And then I realize, "You know what, Lord? I have no idea why I do this, why I purposely shut down when faced with an emotional moment. But You do! You know that it can be both beneficial and destructive, and You allow it. I never feel ashamed of it, necessarily, but I do recognize that there has to be a more balanced way. What does that look like? How can I get there, Lord? And more importantly - what would please and honor YOU?"
When I looked at my 2-year-old son, passed out on an operating table with a mask over his face, he looked like he was dead. I was shaken to my core. It was not at all what I expected. But did I cry? Did I fall into Dennis' arms to seek his comfort? Nope. I stood straight up after kissing Isaiah's cheek, said thank you to the doctors, and marched to the waiting room like an obedient soldier. I talked about everything but my feelings, my thoughts, or my concerns ~ even though they were right there, bubbling at the surface.
I am never going to be emotional enough for some, this I know. I will never be described as merciful or compassion-filled. I understand. But I hope, I really really hope, that my dry eyes and steady voice will not mask the truth that I love deeply, I love forever, and I am loyal unto death. The tears do flow, my heart does break, and my requests for mercy before the Lord are sincere and consistent. I will always be the steady friend - the one who is good in crisis and can keep her head - the one who will have logical insight and provide direction and clarity - the friend who will never leave your side.
I may not have discovered the secret of these spectacular displays of emotional shut-downs, but I know that I am a child of a God who is not confused, concerned, or worried about how my fallen self will be used for His glory or for His perfect will.
And that is exactly where my mind needs to be stayed ... straight ahead, fixed on the face of a wonderful God who made me just as I am, on purpose ... and has a desire for me far greater than I could ever design. How wonderful it is to be HIS!
Oh my goodness! I did not even get to #2 ... next time!
8.12.2011
The Father is always in control. Even when we feel so very small.
I have never feared for my children when they are with Dennis. Not only is he an intelligent, capable adult, he can also make a splint out of cereal boxes and a jump rope! He wrestles with them, tosses them around, and throws them in the deep end of the pool ~ with my cheers ringing in his ears.
When he carries my tiny baby girl out into the sea, the vast, vast sea that could sweep her away in the blink of an eye, I have no fear. No panic. No holding of my breath. He has been swimming in oceans, rivers, lakes, and lagoons since he could walk. It is his haven - his joy. So I know, even if he is knocked down by an unexpected wave, his grip will not loosen on our daughter. He will squeeze her to himself, battle the wave and tumult that ensues, and fight his way to the top where they will both find safety. They may be shaken, upset, and gasping for air, but they will sit on the shore and know that they made it through ... and they are still whole.
If I have this level of faith in my husband, a sinner just like me, isn't it only right that I should trust my Heavenly Father more?
So, who is this Father? What is His character? Is He weak, clueless, unprepared? Do the foolish choices of men and the sin that often wins surprise Him? Doesn't He know the hearts of men ... the deep, dark, secret places that no one else sees? And doesn't He address them? Does He place rulers on the throne, and leaders in their seats, whether we want them there or not? Is He always the same? Never changing, always faithful, merciful and just? Does He always answer prayer the way I want it answered? Does He need to? Doesn't He honor my obedience and show His faithfulness in His blessings, even when I am not faithful?
I know who Dennis Eastman is, and I trust him implicitly. A man who is selfish and sinful and desires His own way. I do not even squeak when he does something that makes other women fall over in a faint.
So why is it that I can show such faith and trust in a man like this, and yet question, wonder, and fret when the Lord allows something to happen that I don't understand? When I feel paralyzed because I do not know everything and feel like I am swaying in the wind. When I listen to others speak, rant, rage, cry, worry, grieve, and I have no idea where the truth rests. When I want to defend the Lord and say, "This is not how God works!" when I have no idea what He is doing.
He stopped me right there as I looked at my daughter sitting contentedly, fearlessly, on the shoulders of her father as she looked out into an ocean that is so immense she cannot begin to comprehend the dangers that lie beneath. She has no idea how small she is. How helpless. How ignorant. She just knows that the strong arms of her father are enough ~ so she enjoys the ride.
What am I thinking, Lord? Have You not proven Yourself time and time again? I am not an ignorant child. I know Your Word. I understand Your power. I know I am nothing compared to You and I can do nothing without You. You do not have to explain Yourself to me, and though I often beg for You to oblige me, You simply remind me "My ways are not your ways, child. My thoughts are not Your thoughts. Let me be God, and you remember that My strength is enough. I do not need you to defend Me or help Me, Michelle. I know what I am doing. And honestly? It is none of your business. That is where faith comes in, and where it grows. Trusting in what you cannot see."
I am not going to pretend that this rebuke did not sting a bit. It did. I like to be helpful! I like to give ideas and strategies and offer my opinions on a matter. Even the Lord has had to sit through my problem solving lectures, which were not solicited. I imagine Him rolling His eyes and flipping through the Book of Life while he offered a "Mmmm" or "Huh, interesting" as He patiently endures my arrogance, and ignorance. How embarrassing.
I have been knocked over by waves, unexpected and foreseen, and though I may panic and flail about as I try to find my way back to the surface, the Lord has always been right there, with a steady hand, squeezing me to His breast and pushing us through to the top. And I always come out whole. I may not understand exactly what happened and it may take a little while to remember that He was the One pulling me to safety, but eventually, I get there. I recognize His role, His protection, His goodness, and I fall before Him grateful and humbled once again.
My Father is always in control, and like Ellie sitting on the shoulders of Dennis, I want to be content, fearless, and enjoy the ride.
No matter where it takes me.
When he carries my tiny baby girl out into the sea, the vast, vast sea that could sweep her away in the blink of an eye, I have no fear. No panic. No holding of my breath. He has been swimming in oceans, rivers, lakes, and lagoons since he could walk. It is his haven - his joy. So I know, even if he is knocked down by an unexpected wave, his grip will not loosen on our daughter. He will squeeze her to himself, battle the wave and tumult that ensues, and fight his way to the top where they will both find safety. They may be shaken, upset, and gasping for air, but they will sit on the shore and know that they made it through ... and they are still whole.
If I have this level of faith in my husband, a sinner just like me, isn't it only right that I should trust my Heavenly Father more?
So, who is this Father? What is His character? Is He weak, clueless, unprepared? Do the foolish choices of men and the sin that often wins surprise Him? Doesn't He know the hearts of men ... the deep, dark, secret places that no one else sees? And doesn't He address them? Does He place rulers on the throne, and leaders in their seats, whether we want them there or not? Is He always the same? Never changing, always faithful, merciful and just? Does He always answer prayer the way I want it answered? Does He need to? Doesn't He honor my obedience and show His faithfulness in His blessings, even when I am not faithful?
I know who Dennis Eastman is, and I trust him implicitly. A man who is selfish and sinful and desires His own way. I do not even squeak when he does something that makes other women fall over in a faint.
So why is it that I can show such faith and trust in a man like this, and yet question, wonder, and fret when the Lord allows something to happen that I don't understand? When I feel paralyzed because I do not know everything and feel like I am swaying in the wind. When I listen to others speak, rant, rage, cry, worry, grieve, and I have no idea where the truth rests. When I want to defend the Lord and say, "This is not how God works!" when I have no idea what He is doing.
He stopped me right there as I looked at my daughter sitting contentedly, fearlessly, on the shoulders of her father as she looked out into an ocean that is so immense she cannot begin to comprehend the dangers that lie beneath. She has no idea how small she is. How helpless. How ignorant. She just knows that the strong arms of her father are enough ~ so she enjoys the ride.
What am I thinking, Lord? Have You not proven Yourself time and time again? I am not an ignorant child. I know Your Word. I understand Your power. I know I am nothing compared to You and I can do nothing without You. You do not have to explain Yourself to me, and though I often beg for You to oblige me, You simply remind me "My ways are not your ways, child. My thoughts are not Your thoughts. Let me be God, and you remember that My strength is enough. I do not need you to defend Me or help Me, Michelle. I know what I am doing. And honestly? It is none of your business. That is where faith comes in, and where it grows. Trusting in what you cannot see."
I am not going to pretend that this rebuke did not sting a bit. It did. I like to be helpful! I like to give ideas and strategies and offer my opinions on a matter. Even the Lord has had to sit through my problem solving lectures, which were not solicited. I imagine Him rolling His eyes and flipping through the Book of Life while he offered a "Mmmm" or "Huh, interesting" as He patiently endures my arrogance, and ignorance. How embarrassing.
I have been knocked over by waves, unexpected and foreseen, and though I may panic and flail about as I try to find my way back to the surface, the Lord has always been right there, with a steady hand, squeezing me to His breast and pushing us through to the top. And I always come out whole. I may not understand exactly what happened and it may take a little while to remember that He was the One pulling me to safety, but eventually, I get there. I recognize His role, His protection, His goodness, and I fall before Him grateful and humbled once again.
My Father is always in control, and like Ellie sitting on the shoulders of Dennis, I want to be content, fearless, and enjoy the ride.
No matter where it takes me.
8.11.2011
Everyday life.
Clothes! All sizes, all styles. Originally stored in the closet by category (jeans, dress shirts, shorts) but I finally realized this method was not efficient when I needed a certain size for a boy. I would have to dig through every pile to find what I needed. No thank you!
Everything sorted by size, ready to be folded and stored.
All of the pants - neat and tidy.
And, all of the shirts, tees, and sweaters.
The new storage system is SO much better and I have already proven the genius of this new method when I needed to pull out a new t-shirt for Josiah and I knew exactly where to go. Woohoo!
I love watching my guys wrestle with their dad. They still believe they can take him! (And he refuses to believe that one day they WILL!)
I always think it is funny to watch a child "read" to another child when they have zero reading skills. Especially because the listener has NO IDEA that the reader is making it all up!
How my guys eat popcorn. One bowl, surrounded by five bodies, two bags of corn, five hands in at the same time, and it is GONE in about 3 minutes!
Movie night! If Dennis could have three sides to himself, the boys would be so pleased. Then they would EACH get to be right next to him!
Ellie, throwing a fit. (and probably wondering why I am taking a photo of the fit rather than stopping it) For some reason, when she is having a tantrum, she forgets that she can simply roll over and crawl away. So, I let her stay that way! Who wants a screaming person chasing them around the house, I ask you?
FREE STUFF! A friend in our homeschool group was giving away this play house, and I was the first to respond with, "I will take it!" The little boys love it and call it their "birdhouse." They can be found inside of it every morning right after the sun wakes them up. (which is about 6 am)
And - we found this little tunnel contraption sitting out on the curb begging for someone to take it. So we did!
Hours of fun had by all.
Our last Family Beach Day.
We invited our married group and our homeschool group to join us at the beach every other week this summer. Same time, same place! It was SUCH a wonderful way to spend summer evenings, and we are going to make it a tradition!
There were a couple of nights that I was really struggling, and didn't even want to be with people at all. But then, one hug from a friend, a great conversation, and lots of laughter later - I was a new woman and so incredibly thankful for the blessing of friendships!
8.10.2011
The Peace Maker.
Every single believer should be required to read this book (The Peace Maker by Ken Sande) and do the study.
Simply stated: UNBELIEVABLY Biblical, convicting, and accurate.
We just finished the series in our Genesis 2 married group. The last session was the best, and the most difficult for me, because it was totally, 100% personal. Nothing to do with whether or not the other party deserved forgiveness, asked for it, or accepted it. "Forgive as God Forgave You" is the title of the chapter. Enough said? I think so.
Each study session has a key principle, and without even reading the book you are convicted by the principles. How could you not be convicted? They are completely Biblical and hit the bulls-eye of the target every time.
Look for yourself:
1) Conflict is an opportunity to glorify God.
2) Living at peace is a key to our Christian witness.
3) God uses conflict to reveal our idols.
4) Confession brings freedom.
5) Constructive correction is a sign of genuine love.
6) Discipline is God's gift and blessing to the church.
7) Our forgiveness shows what we think of God's forgiveness.
#1 is my favorite, because I have never in my life been taught such a perspective, yet I am finding it to be incredibly true.
But #7 is the one that cut me to my core.
When I refuse to forgive, remembering that Christ was the One who paid the ultimate price by having the sin of all humanity placed upon His shoulders,
it is as though I am standing at the foot of the cross and saying, "It wasn't enough. It just wasn't enough."
???????? Who do I think I am?
There are a hundred fabulous quotes and testimonies strewn throughout the book, but the one that most penetrated my heart last week was this,
"Unforgiveness is the poison we drink hoping others will die."
Yep. You read it right.
I have to stand before the Lord and answer for a life time. Alone. With no one to point my finger at or blame for my sin. Just me. Looking into the eyes of a God who forgave every single one of my sins before they were even committed. And then asking me if I forgave. Those who hurt me deeply. Those who rejected me. Those who were careless with their words. Even the petty, silly, stupid things. Did I forgive as He did?
My answer reveals what I think of HIS forgiveness.
It IS that simple.
Those who see their depravity, understand how much they need a Savior, comprehend how wretched they are, and accept the healing and regenerating forgiveness given by a gracious, merciful and just God ...
these people? They forgive quickly and completely.
Am I one of them? Oh, how I pray it is so.
Simply stated: UNBELIEVABLY Biblical, convicting, and accurate.
We just finished the series in our Genesis 2 married group. The last session was the best, and the most difficult for me, because it was totally, 100% personal. Nothing to do with whether or not the other party deserved forgiveness, asked for it, or accepted it. "Forgive as God Forgave You" is the title of the chapter. Enough said? I think so.
Each study session has a key principle, and without even reading the book you are convicted by the principles. How could you not be convicted? They are completely Biblical and hit the bulls-eye of the target every time.
Look for yourself:
1) Conflict is an opportunity to glorify God.
2) Living at peace is a key to our Christian witness.
3) God uses conflict to reveal our idols.
4) Confession brings freedom.
5) Constructive correction is a sign of genuine love.
6) Discipline is God's gift and blessing to the church.
7) Our forgiveness shows what we think of God's forgiveness.
#1 is my favorite, because I have never in my life been taught such a perspective, yet I am finding it to be incredibly true.
But #7 is the one that cut me to my core.
When I refuse to forgive, remembering that Christ was the One who paid the ultimate price by having the sin of all humanity placed upon His shoulders,
it is as though I am standing at the foot of the cross and saying, "It wasn't enough. It just wasn't enough."
???????? Who do I think I am?
There are a hundred fabulous quotes and testimonies strewn throughout the book, but the one that most penetrated my heart last week was this,
"Unforgiveness is the poison we drink hoping others will die."
Yep. You read it right.
I have to stand before the Lord and answer for a life time. Alone. With no one to point my finger at or blame for my sin. Just me. Looking into the eyes of a God who forgave every single one of my sins before they were even committed. And then asking me if I forgave. Those who hurt me deeply. Those who rejected me. Those who were careless with their words. Even the petty, silly, stupid things. Did I forgive as He did?
My answer reveals what I think of HIS forgiveness.
It IS that simple.
Those who see their depravity, understand how much they need a Savior, comprehend how wretched they are, and accept the healing and regenerating forgiveness given by a gracious, merciful and just God ...
these people? They forgive quickly and completely.
Am I one of them? Oh, how I pray it is so.
8.09.2011
Failures.
Sunday night at church I had a delightful exchange with a couple who had just seen Mary Poppins on stage. We gushed about the sets, costumes, music and then the husband looked at me and said, "You are practically perfect!" I laughed out loud and responded with some statement like, "Uh, oh. That means my sin is arrogance. I am in trouble!" (And yes, I wrote a note of apology once I realized that he was giving me a compliment and I ungraciously laughed rather than thanking him. His wife forgave me, so I assume he did as well. :o))
But, of course, it got me thinking. Because, you see, I am the only one who knows the dark side of myself. I am the only one who knows my real, deep, embarrassing ugliness, and because I know these things so well, I am constantly surprised when others don't see it. Okay, so maybe they see it from time to time. After all, we all annoy each other at some point in life, right? Even the best of friends.
Practically perfect? ME? Come on.
At that moment, when he offered such thoughtful praise, I immediately thought of my two most recent failures.
Remember THIS POST on rejection? Well, about 27 minutes after I wrote it, I was ... REJECTED! Twice! As hard as I tried to take my own advice, I failed. I was hurt, I was offended, I was embarrassed, and I was disappointed. All of these are logical and fitting responses to not being wanted, but only if you let it die there. When you pick up those emotions and start wielding them like a weapon, they are going to do damage and hurt others around you. And that is what I did. I forgot to RUN to the cross. I forgot to fall on my knees and let the emotion flood the feet of my Savior. Instead, I wailed out loud, others heard me, and my burden became theirs. I failed. And there was no excuse.
At the same time, I was also thinking of a repeated failure - my workouts and eating. Last week was Terrible - with a capital T. I did not work out one day, I ate poorly, and I gained back almost two pounds. What in the world? As Dennis says, "You have been working so hard. Why would you want to give it all back?"
It is no secret that I am not disciplined in this area. I love the results but man, how I hate doing what it takes to get there. Because for me, it is every single day of my life ... for the rest of my life. There is no reprieve in sight. Right now I am just thrilled that I ONLY gained a smidgen of what I lost. I am back on track, with God's grace (we had a little chat and He agreed to help me in this), and I feel SO much better.
Practically perfect? Nope.
But I am a daughter of a God who is COMPLETELY perfect and has bathed me in the blood of His Son so that I can be
White as snow
white as snow
though my sins were as scarlet
Lord I know, Lord I know
that I'm clean and forgiven.
Through the power of Your blood,
through the wonder of Your love,
through faith in You I know that I can be,
white as snow.
How grateful I am that though my failures are many, His grace and mercy cover them all.
But, of course, it got me thinking. Because, you see, I am the only one who knows the dark side of myself. I am the only one who knows my real, deep, embarrassing ugliness, and because I know these things so well, I am constantly surprised when others don't see it. Okay, so maybe they see it from time to time. After all, we all annoy each other at some point in life, right? Even the best of friends.
Practically perfect? ME? Come on.
At that moment, when he offered such thoughtful praise, I immediately thought of my two most recent failures.
Remember THIS POST on rejection? Well, about 27 minutes after I wrote it, I was ... REJECTED! Twice! As hard as I tried to take my own advice, I failed. I was hurt, I was offended, I was embarrassed, and I was disappointed. All of these are logical and fitting responses to not being wanted, but only if you let it die there. When you pick up those emotions and start wielding them like a weapon, they are going to do damage and hurt others around you. And that is what I did. I forgot to RUN to the cross. I forgot to fall on my knees and let the emotion flood the feet of my Savior. Instead, I wailed out loud, others heard me, and my burden became theirs. I failed. And there was no excuse.
At the same time, I was also thinking of a repeated failure - my workouts and eating. Last week was Terrible - with a capital T. I did not work out one day, I ate poorly, and I gained back almost two pounds. What in the world? As Dennis says, "You have been working so hard. Why would you want to give it all back?"
It is no secret that I am not disciplined in this area. I love the results but man, how I hate doing what it takes to get there. Because for me, it is every single day of my life ... for the rest of my life. There is no reprieve in sight. Right now I am just thrilled that I ONLY gained a smidgen of what I lost. I am back on track, with God's grace (we had a little chat and He agreed to help me in this), and I feel SO much better.
Practically perfect? Nope.
But I am a daughter of a God who is COMPLETELY perfect and has bathed me in the blood of His Son so that I can be
White as snow
white as snow
though my sins were as scarlet
Lord I know, Lord I know
that I'm clean and forgiven.
Through the power of Your blood,
through the wonder of Your love,
through faith in You I know that I can be,
white as snow.
How grateful I am that though my failures are many, His grace and mercy cover them all.
8.05.2011
Can you buy stock in hospitals?
If so - sell us a share!
We just made our umpteenth trip to St. Joe's Emergency Room today because ...
We thought we should add MORE stitches to our list of wounds, injuries, health issues, and drama in our home. Good grief.
Here is what happened.
While the boys and I were in the main part of the house, Isaiah slipped out and decided to fill up the bathroom sink with paper. Heaven only knows why.
Then, he decided to turn on the faucet and fill the sink with water. A thrilling event for any little boy I suppose.
Not understanding physics or cause and effect, he let the water run and run and run, which turned the paper into mush, which clogged the sink, which caused the running water to overflow, which caused the entire cabinet and four drawers to flood, which filled the floor and then flowed out into the hallway. At which time, Josiah came running into the room yelling, "Isaiah put water all over the floor!" "What? What do you mean?"
I walked back to the bathroom and found my big-eyed son standing on the toilet submerging two entire rolls of toilet paper in the sink with a look of complete contentment, and I think, glee. Until he saw my face that is.
I had that moment of parental anger/frustration/laughter that happens when we are overwhelmed by something our children have done. I did not know what to solve first, so I grabbed him, pushed him out of the bathroom (Yes, I was angry and yes, I know I could have handled it better, and yes, I know I just forfeited my Mother of the Year plaque) and began turning off the faucet, unclogging the drain, picking up the toilet paper, yelling for the boys to get me towels, lots of them, and mopping up the floors. All of this took place in about 14 seconds and then I heard,
"Mom! He is bleeding!"
"What? Who is bleeding?"
"Isaiah!"
"No he's not." (Did you ever hear a more dumb response?)
"Yes he is. Look! He slipped in the water and cracked his chin."
And sure enough, I see a blood stain on his white shirt and his chin is dripping. "Maybe it is just a flesh wound. We have some crazy glue around here somewhere," I thought. Until I tipped his head back and saw the gash. About an inch long, jagged, and deep.
"Get your shoes on boys, get Ellie, and get in the car - we are going to the ER. Again."
We met Dennis, he took Isaiah in, and I took the rest home. (No need for all 8 of us to hang out , right?) 90 minutes later Dennis called me, "We need to change shifts - I have my cardiologist appointment at 1:00 and I am not going to make it. They have not stitched him yet."
I pack everyone back into the car and take them to my parents so I can relieve Dennis. Luke had to come with me because of a bad attitude (hanging out with grandparents is a privilege) and when we are about 2 minutes from the hospital I hear a "chirping" and realize that I forgot to drop Ellie off with my mom. Aaah! I have no diapers, no cup, no food, and no time to go back without causing Dennis to miss his appointment. What I DO have is a one-year-old who cannot crawl on the floor (dirty) or sit on a bed without falling off. You can imagine my lack of joy at the thought of hours in such a predicament.
And hours it was. We sat waiting for two hours. Two long hours, as Ellie had to be held or watched every second, Isaiah wanted to be held and was hungry and weepy, and there was nothing to do but count to 1,000. Finally, the suture king arrived, packed Isaiah into the papoose, and worked his magic. Seven stitches and a a few stickers later, we were on our way.
That was my day. How was yours?
We just made our umpteenth trip to St. Joe's Emergency Room today because ...
We thought we should add MORE stitches to our list of wounds, injuries, health issues, and drama in our home. Good grief.
Here is what happened.
While the boys and I were in the main part of the house, Isaiah slipped out and decided to fill up the bathroom sink with paper. Heaven only knows why.
Then, he decided to turn on the faucet and fill the sink with water. A thrilling event for any little boy I suppose.
Not understanding physics or cause and effect, he let the water run and run and run, which turned the paper into mush, which clogged the sink, which caused the running water to overflow, which caused the entire cabinet and four drawers to flood, which filled the floor and then flowed out into the hallway. At which time, Josiah came running into the room yelling, "Isaiah put water all over the floor!" "What? What do you mean?"
I walked back to the bathroom and found my big-eyed son standing on the toilet submerging two entire rolls of toilet paper in the sink with a look of complete contentment, and I think, glee. Until he saw my face that is.
I had that moment of parental anger/frustration/laughter that happens when we are overwhelmed by something our children have done. I did not know what to solve first, so I grabbed him, pushed him out of the bathroom (Yes, I was angry and yes, I know I could have handled it better, and yes, I know I just forfeited my Mother of the Year plaque) and began turning off the faucet, unclogging the drain, picking up the toilet paper, yelling for the boys to get me towels, lots of them, and mopping up the floors. All of this took place in about 14 seconds and then I heard,
"Mom! He is bleeding!"
"What? Who is bleeding?"
"Isaiah!"
"No he's not." (Did you ever hear a more dumb response?)
"Yes he is. Look! He slipped in the water and cracked his chin."
And sure enough, I see a blood stain on his white shirt and his chin is dripping. "Maybe it is just a flesh wound. We have some crazy glue around here somewhere," I thought. Until I tipped his head back and saw the gash. About an inch long, jagged, and deep.
"Get your shoes on boys, get Ellie, and get in the car - we are going to the ER. Again."
We met Dennis, he took Isaiah in, and I took the rest home. (No need for all 8 of us to hang out , right?) 90 minutes later Dennis called me, "We need to change shifts - I have my cardiologist appointment at 1:00 and I am not going to make it. They have not stitched him yet."
I pack everyone back into the car and take them to my parents so I can relieve Dennis. Luke had to come with me because of a bad attitude (hanging out with grandparents is a privilege) and when we are about 2 minutes from the hospital I hear a "chirping" and realize that I forgot to drop Ellie off with my mom. Aaah! I have no diapers, no cup, no food, and no time to go back without causing Dennis to miss his appointment. What I DO have is a one-year-old who cannot crawl on the floor (dirty) or sit on a bed without falling off. You can imagine my lack of joy at the thought of hours in such a predicament.
And hours it was. We sat waiting for two hours. Two long hours, as Ellie had to be held or watched every second, Isaiah wanted to be held and was hungry and weepy, and there was nothing to do but count to 1,000. Finally, the suture king arrived, packed Isaiah into the papoose, and worked his magic. Seven stitches and a a few stickers later, we were on our way.
That was my day. How was yours?
My day away!
A good friend asked her in-laws if I could use their beach house to do my planning - and they said YES!
I had no idea what to expect, but this is what I found when I entered ... a delightful little "cabana", complete with bathroom and kitchenette, and a spectacular view of San Clemente beach. What a way to spend the day planning!
10:00 am. Everything is ready and waiting for me to dive in. It took me about 20 minutes to settle in and realize that I was, in fact, ALONE, and could do anything I wanted to do, uninterrupted - for the next 12 hours! A strange feeling indeed!
Sustenance for the day. I ended up needing less than half of it, but I prepared like I was cramming for college finals! I will not divulge what is left, but let's just pretend there was never a bag of saltwater taffy sitting there, shall we?
2:00 pm. The stacks are getting smaller. My calendar is getting full. I stopped to take a little siesta (that sounds so much more elegant and acceptable than "nap" doesn't it?) and spent time praying and just listening to the Lord direct me where He wanted me to go. It was lovely.
4:00 pm. Hardly anything left to do! Mostly personal goals/commitments and the daily schedule. Almost finished - and 6 hours ahead of schedule! (I like how you can see the change in light as the sun begins to sink into the horizon.)
The happy and relaxed face of a woman who accomplished much, feels quite satisfied, and is ready to go home to the very people she has been thinking about, planning for, and praying over. It was such a wonderful day, and I am pleased to share - it is now a tradition! Anyone want to join me next year?
6:00 pm DONE!
I loaded everything back into the car, grabbed my sunglasses, followed the trail to the sand, and took an hour long walk on the beach. The perfect ending to a very successful and profitable day!
I had no idea what to expect, but this is what I found when I entered ... a delightful little "cabana", complete with bathroom and kitchenette, and a spectacular view of San Clemente beach. What a way to spend the day planning!
My view.
10:00 am. Everything is ready and waiting for me to dive in. It took me about 20 minutes to settle in and realize that I was, in fact, ALONE, and could do anything I wanted to do, uninterrupted - for the next 12 hours! A strange feeling indeed!
Sustenance for the day. I ended up needing less than half of it, but I prepared like I was cramming for college finals! I will not divulge what is left, but let's just pretend there was never a bag of saltwater taffy sitting there, shall we?
2:00 pm. The stacks are getting smaller. My calendar is getting full. I stopped to take a little siesta (that sounds so much more elegant and acceptable than "nap" doesn't it?) and spent time praying and just listening to the Lord direct me where He wanted me to go. It was lovely.
4:00 pm. Hardly anything left to do! Mostly personal goals/commitments and the daily schedule. Almost finished - and 6 hours ahead of schedule! (I like how you can see the change in light as the sun begins to sink into the horizon.)
The happy and relaxed face of a woman who accomplished much, feels quite satisfied, and is ready to go home to the very people she has been thinking about, planning for, and praying over. It was such a wonderful day, and I am pleased to share - it is now a tradition! Anyone want to join me next year?
6:00 pm DONE!
I loaded everything back into the car, grabbed my sunglasses, followed the trail to the sand, and took an hour long walk on the beach. The perfect ending to a very successful and profitable day!
8.04.2011
Psalm of the day.
As I prepare to leave for the day to plan the details of The Eastman Academy for the 2011-2012 year, I read this Psalm.
Though I am not being chased, persecuted, or pursued by enemies ... this Psalm is so fitting for what I am seeking to accomplish today. As I go before the Lord in a time of prayer to seek wisdom before I proceed, I will ask Him,
to hear me
to answer me
help me search my heart and fill it with joy
and give me peace
I LOVE that Scripture is always timely. Always applicable. And forever and always ~ encouraging.
Today is going to be one terrific day!
Though I am not being chased, persecuted, or pursued by enemies ... this Psalm is so fitting for what I am seeking to accomplish today. As I go before the Lord in a time of prayer to seek wisdom before I proceed, I will ask Him,
to hear me
to answer me
help me search my heart and fill it with joy
and give me peace
I LOVE that Scripture is always timely. Always applicable. And forever and always ~ encouraging.
Today is going to be one terrific day!
Answer me when I call to you,
my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
have mercy on me and hear my prayer.
my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
have mercy on me and hear my prayer.
How long will you people turn my glory into shame?
How long will you love delusions and seek false gods?
Know that the LORD has set apart his faithful servant for himself;
the LORD hears when I call to him.
How long will you love delusions and seek false gods?
Know that the LORD has set apart his faithful servant for himself;
the LORD hears when I call to him.
Tremble and do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.
Offer the sacrifices of the righteous
and trust in the LORD.
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.
Offer the sacrifices of the righteous
and trust in the LORD.
Many, LORD, are asking, “Who will bring us prosperity?”
Let the light of your face shine on us.
Fill my heart with joy
when their grain and new wine abound.
Let the light of your face shine on us.
Fill my heart with joy
when their grain and new wine abound.
In peace I will lie down and sleep,
for you alone, LORD,
make me dwell in safety.
for you alone, LORD,
make me dwell in safety.
~ Psalm 4
8.02.2011
Rejection.
I caused great alarm for my husband yesterday when I wrote that I was praising God for learning to deal with rejection. He missed the "I am so glad I have learned to grow in this area" and only heard "someone hurt my wife's feelings." He began peppering me with questions, "Did someone say something that hurt your feelings?" "Was someone mean to you yesterday?" "Was it a close friend who hurt you or a random person?" Though his questions were thoughtful (it is nice to have someone protecting you ~ and your heart), they were a little misguided.
Aren't all of us rejected on a daily basis in some form?
re·ject
b : to refuse to hear, receive, or admit : rebuff, repel
Whether large or small, rejection happens all the time. To everyone.
An unreturned phone call.
An RSVP of "no" to an event.
Your ideas for a ministry are not heard.
Your child will not give you a hug when you ask for one.
A great length of silence after a very transparent and vulnerable note has been sent.
A guest list that does not include your name.
The job offer that is not extended to you.
The school does not accept your application.
Someone texting another friend while talking to you.
Unanswered e-mails.
No follow up after sharing something very personal.
A spouse walking away, falling asleep, or giving time to their interests rather than you.
A neglected smile, greeting, or kind word.
All of these are reasonable causes for hurt, pain, disappointment and sadness. It never feels good to be left out. In our inner core we want to be accepted. Completely, wholly, willingly, and joyfully ~ accepted. And wanted.
Isn't it funny how we can be sad when we are not included in something we would never want to be a part of in the first place? It is not that I WANT to go to the monster truck rally ~ I just want to know that THEY want ME to go with them! It should be up to me to decline the invitation. Right? Oh, wait a minute. Then it becomes me rejecting them and then they are hurt. Hmm ... either way someone risks disappointment here, don't they?
Isn't it crazy?
There are two things that have helped shape my thinking and my emotions on this topic. (I used to be a very sensitive little girl, very shy, and would never stand up for myself. Ever. Being left out or dismissed would crush my spirit and make me cautious in relationships fearing that it would just happen again. And surprise! It did!) Though I am older and wiser, I can still be caught off guard by feelings of rejection in simple things (not on a guest list) or big things (rejection of a family member) and I have to work hard to take my thoughts captive and lay my hurts at the feet of the Savior. It is easier now, but it has taken a lot of work.
1. "Seek first to Understand, then to be understood." (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People)
My name not being included on a guest list is not personal. Maybe they are only inviting their small group, their business friends, or new families in the church. Maybe they only have room for 8 people and since they know us well they chose not to include us. Either way - does it matter? Are we friends or not? Real friends, Biblical friendships, allow one another the freedom to pursue other people, other relationships, and are excited to hear about a good night shared together!
If someone does not follow up or respond to something important I shared, it is my responsibility to ask them about it. "Is everything okay? It is not like you to be silent after hearing something so personal. I want to make sure I understand." Then, I need to LISTEN. Hear them. And if it is even necessary, I can share my own feelings of hurt and rejection and help them understand me.
Bottom line: It is rarely (if ever) only about YOU. We are all selfish creatures who put our own needs first, people we really like second, and then everyone else falls in where it is convenient. It takes work to maintain a friendship, a marriage, a parent/child relationship ... it just does.
And that brings me to the biggest lesson the Lord has taught me these past years.
2. Lose yourself - think of others first.
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
Philippians 2:3,4
Humility means letting go of self - remembering, acknowledging, and living the truth that others are to be more important than you are. Your needs, your wants, your whims? Let them go. What do others need? This verse is crystal clear - "regard one another as MORE IMPORTANT than yourselves." Not equally important - more important. There is no room for excuses or "I will help them when all of my stuff is done." Just do it!
How does this fit in with rejection? Easily!
Every time I am rejected, or feel rejected (because let's be honest, sometimes it is our own emotion and insecurities, and not the other person, that cause this feeling) I have to stop and ask myself: Who am I thinking about right now? Am I more concerned about my feelings and my place in life or am I thinking about her? Yes, I am hurt ... it did sting a little bit to be ignored ... but I can take that to the cross, dump it, be restored with joy, and hop back into life. But what about her? How can I pray for her? What are her hurts? Her fears, struggles, weaknesses? Does she need a stretcher? When was the last time someone looked into her heart and drew out all that was in there? How can I minister to her?
You see, once I dump my own pain and pride, I have more time, energy, emotion, and compassion to give to someone else. I stop sucking myself dry with fret and fear and insecurity and can now use all of that energy to pour into a hurting heart ~ and take her to the feet of the Only One who can heal, comfort, forgive, and save.
Rejection smection.
Take the hit.
Cry if you need to.
Then shake it off.
Pull yourself together.
Remember Who bore the greatest neglect, insults, ridicule, and pain.
For you.
He didn't have to, but He did it anyway.
Remember who you are.
What you are commanded to do.
Drop your hurts at the feet of the Savior, let go of self, look at those around you, and think of them as more important.
Not because it is easy.
Or pleasant.
Or natural.
But because you are a child of a God who took more hits than you will ever be asked to endure, and He did it willingly, lovingly, and graciously. And all He asks is that we follow His example, obey Him, and love Him first.
If you can do that?
Rejection will be easy to shake off.
Go ahead, try it!
Aren't all of us rejected on a daily basis in some form?
re·ject
verb \ri-ˈjekt\
Definition of REJECT
transitive verb
a : to refuse to accept, consider, submit to, take for some purpose, or use b : to refuse to hear, receive, or admit : rebuff, repel
Whether large or small, rejection happens all the time. To everyone.
An unreturned phone call.
An RSVP of "no" to an event.
Your ideas for a ministry are not heard.
Your child will not give you a hug when you ask for one.
A great length of silence after a very transparent and vulnerable note has been sent.
A guest list that does not include your name.
The job offer that is not extended to you.
The school does not accept your application.
Someone texting another friend while talking to you.
Unanswered e-mails.
No follow up after sharing something very personal.
A spouse walking away, falling asleep, or giving time to their interests rather than you.
A neglected smile, greeting, or kind word.
All of these are reasonable causes for hurt, pain, disappointment and sadness. It never feels good to be left out. In our inner core we want to be accepted. Completely, wholly, willingly, and joyfully ~ accepted. And wanted.
Isn't it funny how we can be sad when we are not included in something we would never want to be a part of in the first place? It is not that I WANT to go to the monster truck rally ~ I just want to know that THEY want ME to go with them! It should be up to me to decline the invitation. Right? Oh, wait a minute. Then it becomes me rejecting them and then they are hurt. Hmm ... either way someone risks disappointment here, don't they?
Isn't it crazy?
There are two things that have helped shape my thinking and my emotions on this topic. (I used to be a very sensitive little girl, very shy, and would never stand up for myself. Ever. Being left out or dismissed would crush my spirit and make me cautious in relationships fearing that it would just happen again. And surprise! It did!) Though I am older and wiser, I can still be caught off guard by feelings of rejection in simple things (not on a guest list) or big things (rejection of a family member) and I have to work hard to take my thoughts captive and lay my hurts at the feet of the Savior. It is easier now, but it has taken a lot of work.
1. "Seek first to Understand, then to be understood." (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People)
My name not being included on a guest list is not personal. Maybe they are only inviting their small group, their business friends, or new families in the church. Maybe they only have room for 8 people and since they know us well they chose not to include us. Either way - does it matter? Are we friends or not? Real friends, Biblical friendships, allow one another the freedom to pursue other people, other relationships, and are excited to hear about a good night shared together!
If someone does not follow up or respond to something important I shared, it is my responsibility to ask them about it. "Is everything okay? It is not like you to be silent after hearing something so personal. I want to make sure I understand." Then, I need to LISTEN. Hear them. And if it is even necessary, I can share my own feelings of hurt and rejection and help them understand me.
Bottom line: It is rarely (if ever) only about YOU. We are all selfish creatures who put our own needs first, people we really like second, and then everyone else falls in where it is convenient. It takes work to maintain a friendship, a marriage, a parent/child relationship ... it just does.
And that brings me to the biggest lesson the Lord has taught me these past years.
2. Lose yourself - think of others first.
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
Philippians 2:3,4
Humility means letting go of self - remembering, acknowledging, and living the truth that others are to be more important than you are. Your needs, your wants, your whims? Let them go. What do others need? This verse is crystal clear - "regard one another as MORE IMPORTANT than yourselves." Not equally important - more important. There is no room for excuses or "I will help them when all of my stuff is done." Just do it!
How does this fit in with rejection? Easily!
Every time I am rejected, or feel rejected (because let's be honest, sometimes it is our own emotion and insecurities, and not the other person, that cause this feeling) I have to stop and ask myself: Who am I thinking about right now? Am I more concerned about my feelings and my place in life or am I thinking about her? Yes, I am hurt ... it did sting a little bit to be ignored ... but I can take that to the cross, dump it, be restored with joy, and hop back into life. But what about her? How can I pray for her? What are her hurts? Her fears, struggles, weaknesses? Does she need a stretcher? When was the last time someone looked into her heart and drew out all that was in there? How can I minister to her?
You see, once I dump my own pain and pride, I have more time, energy, emotion, and compassion to give to someone else. I stop sucking myself dry with fret and fear and insecurity and can now use all of that energy to pour into a hurting heart ~ and take her to the feet of the Only One who can heal, comfort, forgive, and save.
Rejection smection.
Take the hit.
Cry if you need to.
Then shake it off.
Pull yourself together.
Remember Who bore the greatest neglect, insults, ridicule, and pain.
For you.
He didn't have to, but He did it anyway.
Remember who you are.
What you are commanded to do.
Drop your hurts at the feet of the Savior, let go of self, look at those around you, and think of them as more important.
Not because it is easy.
Or pleasant.
Or natural.
But because you are a child of a God who took more hits than you will ever be asked to endure, and He did it willingly, lovingly, and graciously. And all He asks is that we follow His example, obey Him, and love Him first.
If you can do that?
Rejection will be easy to shake off.
Go ahead, try it!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)