One of our best friends.

KLEENEX!!  (I love the stylish new look, by the way.)

Sometimes it feels like there is no end to the cycle of colds in our home.

One child appears in the morning with a runny nose.  Then a cough.  Watery eyes.  The Kleenex box is drained within two days and the runny nose is now raw from being wiped every 32 seconds.

The child is finally cold free, able to go to the church nursery, and life seems normal again.

For 14 minutes.

Then child #2 appears with a runny nose, a cough, and so the cycle goes.  If we are lucky, they all come down with it at once, we live in a constant state of wiping and washing, everyone heals at the same time and the drama comes to a close.

I am not bothered by the glazed donut look on the faces of my children ~ it is a part of having littles.  What is hard, is missing church.  Often.

Between my pregnancy sickness, recovery after birth, and the colds/flu/illnesses that invade our home, I have missed church for years.  Y E A R S.

Generally, I send Dennis to church and I stay home.  I just feel like he needs the boost of encouragement and the Word of God more than I do since he must enter the world on Monday morning.  I have the privilege of staying home every day, the opportunity to read my Bible, read good books, or listen to sermons on CD as much as I want to.  He does not have that advantage, so I want to get him as much time under good teaching and worship with believers as possible.

There were times when I would try and find a preacher on TV - Charles Stanley was always a sure bet - but I just cannot settle in and be fed through the television.  It does not feel like church, it does not feel like worship, and most of all, I am too distracted by all that is happening in the house.  It just doesn't work.

I would try reading the Word on my own and spending time in prayer.  But a crying infant who needs to be nursed, or a toddler who needs a new diaper or another nose wipe kind of inhibits that quiet intimate time.

What is a woman to do?

After continually struggling, I finally asked the Lord to fill in the gaps and cover me in the times when I had to "forsake the assembling" of the body.  I felt guilty, I felt like I was losing brain cells without the challenge of good teaching, and I felt isolated from the human race.  So, after much prayer, the Lord finally brought me to a place of contentment, and quite frankly resignation.

"There is a time for everything."

I am in a season of life that requires constant surrender.  When we as women are blessed with children, we must give up self.  We have been called to raise these little ones according to God's Word and often it requires laying aside our wants and needs to care for theirs.  And there is no shame in that.  It is right.  It is necessary.  And it honors the Lord.  Dragging a sick child to the nursery just so I can have "my time" with the body is selfish, not selfless.  Pouting or being annoyed because I am being asked to stay home to manage their health, or my own, is selfish.  I need to find the JOY in what I am doing, and praise the Lord because He asks me to "give thanks in every circumstance."

So, seven pregnancies, six children, and many birthdays later, I have finally found a peace and a contentment in spending Sunday mornings at home when it is needed.  The house is quiet, the child(ren) that needs me gets my undivided attention.  We can read, play, or just cuddle without any distractions.  I can blast worship music and sing to my hearts content.  Sometimes I am able to read Scripture, sometimes not.  But God has a funny way of recalling all of the passages I have memorized at the times I need them most, and it is enough.

He always gives us enough.  Just what we need.  Exactly when we need it.

And I finally get it.

He is all I need.

Ellie ~ 9 months.

We love this face!

Feeling the gap.

Several weeks ago I was feeling incredibly close to the Lord.  I was desperately searching the Scriptures for answers to more than one question, praying incessantly, and begging the Lord for wisdom.  I just could not get enough of the Word or time in prayer.  I remember noticing the fact that my every waking thought was focused on all things Biblical and it felt so good.  So right.  So natural.  It was exactly what I desire ... what I long for.

And I wondered ~ "Why don't I feel like this all the time?"

Why is this extraordinary rather than common?

Why am I not this desperate for God's truth on a normal day when I am not needing Divine wisdom and understanding?

Why do my prayers become all consuming when I am seeking His strength and His words and His knowledge, but are just mundane and simple when I am content and without need for His power to be revealed?

Shouldn't it always be the same?  Shouldn't my longing for a holy God be constant ... unwavering ... unaltered by my circumstances?

I would lay in bed talking to God and feel like there was a gap between us.  Not because of sin, or disobedience, or even apathy.  I just did not FEEL Him the way I wanted to feel Him.  And it bothered me.  I know He does not leave or change.

"I the LORD do not change."  Malachi 3:6

"Your word, O LORD, is eternal; it stands firm in the heavens."  Psalm 119:89

"The grass withers and the flowers fall,but the word of our God stands forever." Isaiah 40:8

So it must be me.

But I want to be close to Him.  I am trying to feel that same intensity I had just weeks ago.  What happened?  What did I do?  I asked Him those very questions ~ "Lord, why do I feel like there is a great distance between us?  Where are you?  I am still praising You, reading Your Word, and seeking Your face.  What am I missing?"

And, as always, He answered me in His time.  And this time it was while I was reading Scripture out loud to the boys as we always do to begin our day together.  I was not thinking about anything other than the words before me, and it became as plain as day.

Jesus has just celebrated Passover with His disciples, the last supper, and told them He must die, and that one of them would betray Him.  They traveled to Gethsemane and Jesus took Peter, James, and John with Him to a quiet place so He could pray.  The Matthew account says, " ... He began to be sorrowful and troubled.  Then He said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.  Stay here and keep watch with me.""  Luke says, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.” An angel from heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him. And being in anguish, He prayed more earnestly, and His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground."

The only other account that shows us this same passion and intensity is when Jesus cries out to the Father from the cross, "My God, My God, why hast Thou forsaken Me?"  The others prayers we witness through the eyes of Scripture are much more simple, direct, non emotional, and practical.  Prayers for healing, for eyes to be opened, for hearts to understand.

And for the first time I realized something that is probably going to change my outlook forever.

My prayer life does not have to be static.  It can change and twist and bend as it reflects the work the Lord is doing inside of me.  In the mountain top moments my prayers will be full of rejoicing and praise.  When I am in the valley I will pray for strength and healing and guidance.  When I am fearful I will pray for peace.  When I am confused I will pray for wisdom.  And when I am in sin, I will pray for forgiveness.

And the truth is, I do not need to "feel" God.  I cannot base my prayer life or my time in the Word on my emotions of the moment.  They are never dependable, accurate, or selfless.  What I DO need to do is trust that my God is who He says He is and whether I feel close to Him or distant, He is RIGHT THERE.  He says He cannot lie.  He says He does not leave me or forsake me.  He says He does not change.  And I believe Him.

I believe Him.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."  Ecclesiastes 3

And right now I am learning that there is a time for seeking God with every single fiber of my being.  And there is a time for sitting back and enjoying the relationship I have with Him as easily as I enjoy an afternoon with a good friend.

And you know what?  I am totally okay with that.  In fact, I am more than okay ... I am elated!

Thank You, Lord, for being so good to me!

Family.

 It is always an extra treat when family is with you for special days like Easter.  There is just something about large crowds, too much food, and loads of conversation that make it seem that much sweeter.

And this year, we were thrilled to have everyone in our home to celebrate THE MOST wonderful day ever ~ Resurrection Sunday!

We began our morning worshiping together with the saints and then spent the afternoon and evening together as a family.  It was a fantastic day ... not only did we rejoice that we serve a risen Savior, we celebrated the gift of family ... a precious gift indeed!

My brother Steven, his wife of 5 years, CC, their son Lorenzo, and the new bambino still being formed, who will join their family in August.

 The original trio ~ Mom, sister, brother.

My step sister Stephanie, her husband Doug, and my nephew, Dougie.
 

 Okay - so this may seem strange.  A grown woman getting a piggy back from her brother?  YES! It is our tradition.  Every time we are together (which is once a year since they live half way around the world), we take this photo.  He is a good sport - he even holds me when I am great with child.  (Clearly, he is a strong individual.)  We laugh that we will be doing this until we are old and gray in a nursing home ... and we will!  One day I will have to pull out all of the photos through the years ~ we will enjoy a good laugh I am sure!

The delicate balance that takes constant adjusting.

Childishness vs maturity.

Have you ever had days (or weeks) when you feel like every child in your home is exhibiting THE MOST childish actions?  Selfishness, whining, discontentment, complaining, arguing, fighting?  You stand there looking at them thinking (or if you are like me, SAYING), "Really?  That's what you're sticking with?  You have got to be kidding me!"

Have you had moments when every sin issue they have ever possessed comes out in public, causing you great embarrassment and irritation, making you wonder why you even bother trying to train them in manners and appropriate behavior, let alone righteousness?

Do you ever look at yourself and ask, "What am I missing?  I feel like I am working really hard.  Why am I not seeing results?"

This has been my life this past week.  I enjoy my children, I appreciate them, we have fun moments, and plenty of hugs and kisses, and silliness.  But the ugly side is present, unable to be ignored or pushed away.  There is work to be done.

At the peak of frustration I catch myself and ask, "What am I doing to contribute to this?  Have I been short tempered?  Negative?  Impatient?  Selfish?  Am I modeling the ugliness I am seeing in them?"  Once I wrestle through that, take responsibility for my part, confess it before the Lord, and pull it together, it is then time to look at each of my children and seek to find the core of the sinful and selfish behavior.  And there is no way I can do that on my own!  My perspective is not always clear or selfless, and I need the Lord's wisdom and grace to see my children as they are ... not based on unrealistic expectations or impure motives.

There are two recurring themes the Lord challenges me with when I pray over this:

1) I, am a girl.  My boys are BOYS, and because I never was one, I do not understand their world.  I need to allow them to be who God created them to be, whether I appreciate/enjoy all of it or not, because it is this part of life ... the constant moving, the competitive nature, the loud voices/noises, touching everything in sight, rough housing, pecking order, desire for adventure, asserting physical power ... it is this part of boyhood that one day creates MEN.

Men and women are different.  Period.  And this is a good thing, for it is God ordained!  For moms, however, especially moms who did not have brothers, it can be a very trying and difficult time, as we just do not understand their inability to sit and play with a stuffed animal for three hours (because that is what we did with our dolls after all), or the fact that they must roll around on the floor or hang upside down from a couch while listening to stories (because we sat quietly cuddled in the crook of our fathers arm, you know) or why they inhale their food without chewing and are then hungry 20 minutes later (because we enjoyed chattering away while at the table, oblivious of the time.)  Who are these people?!?

2) He continually convicts me with this verse:   "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me." I Corinthians 13:11

Sometimes I just expect way too much from my children.  I am always thinking with the mind of a 39-year-old, so when a child does something that doesn't fit into that mold, I am instantly irritated and come unglued.  When really, the incident was EXACTLY what a child would do.  Unnecessary?  Yes.  Foolish?  Probably.  But that is their nature.  "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; but the rod of discipline will remove it far from him"  Proverbs 22:1

I do not need to lower my expectations.  I need to make appropriate expectations.  The Lord put children in the care and charge of adults so they would rise to the standard set for them in Scripture.  A child will never strive to be better on his own, it goes against the sin nature.  They need wiser, stronger, mature adults to help them make wise and godly choices and obey God's Word.

Just as I would not hand a 2-year-old a toilet brush and a bottle of bleach to scrub a toilet,  I cannot expect a 7-year-old to respond immediately with self control and kindness when he is thwacked in the head with a football.

They talk, think, and reason like the children they are.

They will talk, think, and reason like the teenagers they will be.

And one day, they will talk, think, and reason like adults.  And the things of childhood will be put far away from them.

It is a constant balancing act, isn't it?  When do you allow a moment of anger because it is appropriate and when do you call it out because you know that the seed of anger grows deeply and can become so entangled into the heart that a lifetime is spent in discontentment and rage because that little seed was allowed to grow and bear fruit?

I don't know how you feel, or how you manage your parenting prowess when the sin in the hearts of your children rears its ugly head, but for me?  I battle each time between my flesh and wanting to respond (too often in frustration and anger), and the truth that my children will make mistakes, they will exhibit folly and immaturity ~ and it is all part of growing up.  How will they ever measure or appreciate their growth and the maturity the Lord has wrought in them if they cannot look back to see the change?

And more importantly, how will they come to love, understand and respect a God who created them exactly as they are, if they are not allowed to see how HE works in their hearts, draws them to Himself through conviction, throws their sins into the depths of the sea, and offers unconditional grace and forgiveness?  Each of my children, each of yours, are made in the image of a holy and wonderful God.  I was given the task of training them in wisdom, in godliness, and in righteousness.  But only HE can complete the work He began in them ~ perfecting that work until He comes again to take us to glory.

Oh, what a day that will be!

"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."  Philippians 1:6

With so many kids ...

... it takes a plethora of shots to get a good photo.

Like this one ...

and this one ...
 

and this one ...

 to get THIS one!

It was worth it!   Nonna and Pop Pop with their grandchildren.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Isaiah!

Who knew it would be addicting?

Obedience.

So hard to do.

Requires surrender.
Giving up control.
Relinquishing desires.
Sacrificing wants.

Sometimes it is only about us.
Sometimes it involves others.

We avoid it often.  We are afraid of the results.  We fear rejection or dismissal.  We do not want to give the effort and energy it takes to do what God is asking us to do.

Because usually it means dying to self.

"Delayed obedience is disobedience."

"If you love Me, you will keep My commandments."  John 14:15

"Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin."  James 4:17

Disobedience comes with a cost.
Obedience comes with a blessing.

"Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves Me. The one who loves Me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show Myself to them.”  
John 14:21

 

Obeying is not natural.  Our sinful nature wants to serve self, serve our flesh.  Our natural tendency is to pull away from God, and it takes energy and determination and purposeful thinking to fall into submission and do what He requires.

The funny thing about obedience is that the more you do it, the more you crave it.  The fears, nerves and rebellion you have relied on for so long fade away.  You see the beauty of the Lord's hand as He prepares you for what He has called you to do.  You are stunned at the peace that follows afterward, and wonder why it took you so long to do it.

And you want to do it again.

And again.

And again.

Because all of us, at the core of our being, long to hear those famous words ...

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'"  

Matthew 25:23

The story is almost finished.

Palm Sunday.

The Triumphal Entry.

Those who knew Him, believed Him, and loved Him ...

worshiped and praised Him.

He knew what was coming.

He knew the suffering that was to come ~ for Himself, and for those closest to Him.

He knew He would die.  And He was willing.

But He also knew something they did not.

The story was not finished.

 HOPE was coming.

Death would be conquered.

And in a week ... just seven days more ... and angel would appear to proclaim,  "Be not afraid, He is risen, just as He said!  Quickly now, go tell the disciples that Jesus Christ is no longer dead!"

Hallelujah!  Hallelujah!

"The disciples went and did just as Jesus had instructed them, and brought the donkey and the colt, 
and laid their coats on them; and He sat on the coats.

 Most of the crowd spread their coats in the road, and others were cutting branches from the trees and spreading them in the road.

 The crowds going ahead of Him, and those who followed, were shouting,

"Hosanna to the Son of David; 

BLESSED IS HE WHO COMES 
IN THE NAME OF THE LORD; 

Hosanna in the highest!""

On a mission to serve.

This morning, at 5:30 am, I packed up my guys and sent them off to Baja California, Mexico to serve the Mexican people as they build a house for those who have nothing.

A team of 14 is going.  All from our church.  All friends.

There were some moments of fear and doubt due to all the hype of the Mexican border dangers, but after much prayer and long conversations, Dennis and I realized …

·        God is sovereign.

·        We serve a very BIG God who is bigger than any danger or obstacle.

·        God is not a God of fear – fear is from the pit and living in it, even entertaining it, is not of the Lord nor pleasing to Him.

·        Psalm 139 tells us clearly that our days were ordained before we were even formed … our first day, and our last.  Therefore, we need not fear death because we have absolutely no control – the Lord holds His children tightly in His grasp, and nothing can snatch us out of His hand.

After understanding these things, there is only one choice:  Obedience

So, this morning, Dennis, Micah, Luke, and Caleb set off for an adventure!  Our boys have never seen poverty.  My prayer is that they will absorb every detail today.  Every sight, every sound, every smell.  And that through their experience, a seed of compassion will be planted in their hearts and a passion for missions and reaching the lost world will continually pull them back to the mission field.  Every opportunity presented will call to them, and they will go.  They will serve.  And they will be forever changed.

I cannot wait to have them come home and share their day with me!  It will probably take days and weeks for it all to come out as they think through and remember it all.  What a PRIVILEGE it is to be entrusted with the lives of these little ones … to train them in righteousness … to expose them to a lost world … and to let them see the power of a real, living, and active God, every single day.

And what a blessing it is to have been given a groom who is willing to sacrifice his time, his energy, and his own desires, to model service and compassion for our children.  They are serving together, working side by side, smiling at the same people, sweating from the same labor, and allowing the Lord to do a work in them that He cannot do in the safe, comfortable, every-need-is-always-met place we call home.

 

Thank You, Lord, for an opportunity for my guys to serve You and love You, by serving and loving others.  Use them.  Change them.  Ans may their minds be drawn back to the biographies of missionaries we have studied, remembering the sacrifices they made for the sake of the Gospel.  They were willing to give everything they had ~ including their lives.

What a precious thing it is, to obey You, Lord, and to see the blessings that come from that obedience.

I praise You today because you are GOOD. You are GREAT.  You are AWESOME indeed.

I stand in awe of You, Lord.

I surrender my husband and my three oldest sons to You, this day, and ask that you will protect them, impact them, and be glorified in every detail ... no matter what.  Amen.

A breath of fresh air ~ because they changed the world.

After spending the day at a tawdry and completely worldly renaissance faire ... turning our boys away from ridiculously exposed bosoms, every 7 minutes, ... walking away from street actors because of the crass and highly inappropriate talk ... avoiding tarot card readers ... and total exhaustion after monitoring every person, speech, activity that took place, it was an absolute joy to come home to our quiet, safe, unadulterated home where I never need fear what is entering the minds and hearts of my sons.

There were five moms with sons at the faire today, and we were absolutely stunned with what was considered acceptable and appropriate for children.  The faire advertised "school day" as G rated.  Um, no.

After too many conversations and "Look over here boys!" to keep their eyes off of the immodest young women, we realized something:  to the actors, workers, and vendors ... today WAS pure.  There was zero alcohol on the premises.  They were not allowed to tell dirty jokes or partake in their normal productions due to the nature of the audience.  What for us was totally 100% unacceptable dress/behavior/conversation, it was subdued for them.  Their standard is not our standard - it is that simple.

And our standard is God's Word.

I am not going to print verses on modesty and wholesome speech and purity ~ we all know those.  But today, for the first time in a very looong time, I felt like I did not belong somewhere.  I felt like there was no safe place to hide.  The truth of "everyone did what was right in his own eyes" flooded my mind and when Peter said, "Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul."  I Peter 2:11

We left early and felt enveloped with peace and normalcy the second we stepped out of the faire.  And I have not been able to stop thinking about it all day.  Our children were exposed to things today that we cannot take back.  They saw the world as it is.  We cannot avoid this, we know.  But we work so very, very hard to fill their minds and hearts with the things of the Lord.  We teach purity and clean speech and the truth that they represent Christ every single time they leave our home.  And people are watching.  They are always watching.

As we were leaving the faire, I looked over and saw a Puritan.  I actually shouted, "Look, someone who is pure!"  He came over to talk to us (after exclaiming, "Wow!  I rarely get that kind of welcome here!"), holding his Bible, wearing all black, a high collar, totally appropriate in speech and manner, and I felt like I had just been given a life ring.  He was like a beacon of light on a very dark sea.

And it made me think, wonder, and realize ~ the men and women who risked everything, left all they had behind, rejected the crown and all the rights and privileges of their heritage ~ they came to the New World simply so they could worship as they chose.  They came out of obedience.  They came because they wanted to raise their children in a place that was pure, untouched, and godly.  They gave up everything, even their lives, for such freedom, and they never looked back.

And today, I was more grateful than I have ever been for that sacrifice.  It may sound silly.  I may seem dramatic.  But I will tell you this, today was the first time that I actually understood, and really grasped, the heart of frustration, the all consuming desire to "get away", and the pure motive of their hearts.  They just wanted to worship the God they loved.  They wanted to live in a way that was pleasing to Him, and the only way they could do that was to break away.  So they did.

I cannot remember the last time I experienced such a drastic feeling of relief as I did walking away from that tawdry place this afternoon.  All the times I have looked at paintings of the Pilgrims kneeling in thanks or raising their hands to the sky, I never appreciated the emotion of those moments.  And now, finally, after 39 years of life, I get it.

Thank You, Lord, for raising up men and women in every generation who love You with an insatiable love, and are willing to stand up for Your Word, Your standards, Your truth, and will quietly walk to the stake for the sake of the Gospel.  We need more, Lord.  We need many, many more.

And may we see people, even those with no desire to serve, obey, or love You, as eternal ... as precious ... just as You do, Lord.  We may not agree, we may be filled with righteous indignation, but we are called to love.  We are called to pray for them, be patient with them, and to be ready in season and out to give an answer for the hope that lies within us.  

Let them see You in us, Lord.  

And let US see them as You see them ... and remember who we are, sinners saved by grace, undeserving, and in constant need of forgiveness ... so we can remember the day we reached out to grip Your hand so we may never be shaken loose, and pray that they too, will choose to follow You.

Motherhood quote. And some encouragement.

“God designed mothers to partner with Him in His eternal work … it is for the children’s sake that we give our lives.  We are the real, in-the-flesh, tangible picture of God’s loving hands, strong arms of protection, and encouraging words of hope to our children.”  

*******

Motherhood is hard.  It is daily.  It is repetitive, monotonous, and showers of blessings and praise do not fall from the lips of our children as they cling to our capris crying “How blessed you are!”

 

But those blessings and praise DO fall from the lips of a God

who sees our efforts,

applauds our successes,

and rewards our faithfulness.   

HE SEES. 

   

And that is all that matters.