It felt like home.

Yesterday I was able to worship with the body of Christ for the first time in almost two months.

Greetings and hugs and exclamations of , "Oh, I've missed you!" littered the morning.

Faces I have not seen, people I have not talked to, preaching I have not heard ~ all enveloped me in the most warm and welcoming way.

I sat with my groom and good friends ~ worshiping together through song and prayer.

I enjoyed a good conversation with a new friend in the lobby.  (I had to sneak out with Ellie and she had to escape due to a coughing fit.)

I saw the smiles of my girlfriends.

I watched my boys run all over the campus with their friends.  (What is it about Sunday morning, donuts, dress clothes, and church property that makes kids go wild, I wonder?!?)

I saw my parents and their friends, and all of them came to say hello and see Ellie.

Tears fell over my cheeks as I was overwhelmed with the goodness of my God as we sang and praised Him.

And something else happened ... I was reminded of how much passion and intensity I have for my sisters in Christ.  Each face I saw reminded me how much I enjoy walking alongside these women.  Each smile and hug reminded me how much I NEED these women.  And when I found out that a sweet sister whom I barely know, but have a true affection for, is hurting and in need of encouragement, all I could think of was, "How can I get to her?"

If I could, I would meet with a different woman every single night of the week.  I love listening to their hearts, talking about ridiculous things, debating issues, laughing, hearing what God is doing in their lives, how He is changing them, challenging, shaping them ... I love being invited in ... because I know it is a privilege and not a right.  I am so fortunate to have a life filled with women of all ages and stages.  Women who love God and desire to know Him more.  Women who are willing to share the ugly parts of life as well as the beautiful.  Even if we only enjoy one date night a year, it is a wonderful night and the Lord uses it to keep us linked together until we are given the opportunity to meet again.

The Lord has renewed my passion for encouraging and pursuing my sisters in Christ.  I feel energized and eager to follow where He is leading and see how I can be a source of joy, enthusiastic support, and compassion to the women he places in my path.

I am so excited I can hardly stand it!

Lord, give me an insatiable desire to pursue You each day.  Make me hunger for Your Word so I am equipped to meet the needs of each woman You ask me to serve. And may I always get out of the way, lose my own opinions, and be completely used by You in Your way, in Your time, and for Your purposes.  Less of me and ALL of you, Lord.

Quote of the day.

"Discontentment is believing we deserve more than we have.

And not trusting the God who gave it to us."

When did it become a bad thing?

Rebuke.

A word that makes us cringe.

An action that usually offends us.

A command we try incredibly hard to avoid doing.

A word that is 100% Biblical, required, needed, and life changing.

“If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them."  Luke 17:3

"Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear."   II Timothy 4:2,3

“Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the people of Israel; so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me. When I say to the wicked, ‘You wicked person, you will surely die,' and you do not speak out to dissuade them from their ways, that wicked person will die for their sin, and I will hold you accountable for their blood. But if you do warn the wicked person to turn from their ways and they do not do so, they will die for their sin, though you yourself will be saved."  Ezekiel 33:8

"For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age ...

These, then, are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you."  Titus 2: 11,15

"My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins."  James 5:19,20

"Better is open rebuke
         Than love that is concealed.
    Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
         But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy."

Proverbs 27:5,6

  "He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise."

Proverbs 15:31

No one likes being corrected, even when we know we are wrong.  We know the sin that lurks within us, but we do not want anyone else knowing, let alone call it what it is and ask us to repent.

On the flip side, no one enjoys calling out sin in the life of another.  It is awkward and uncomfortable at best.  Disappointing and heart breaking if they respond in anger and walk away.  Life changing for both, if it is received well, thought on, prayed over, and the person confesses and repents, restoration happens, and new life begins.

These Scriptures speak clearly - there is no need to explain them or try to prove why they are important.  But there are two things that struck me as I was reading through all of them in context.

* There are no qualifying statements.  

Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death UNLESS they are worried their friend may not like them anymore, then they do not have to turn them from sin, just let them continue on the path to destruction.

Encourage and rebuke with all authority IF you are in the mood and you think what they are doing is in conflict with God's Word.

I will hold you accountable for their blood UNLESS you are really tired and stressed out and just cannot deal with some else's problems.

* Each time rebuke is commanded, it is partnered with a positive.

~ rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them

~ rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction.

~ But if you do warn the wicked person to turn from their ways and they do not do so, they will die for their sin, though you yourself will be saved.

~ Encourage and rebuke with all authority.

~ Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.

~He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.

I find this fascinating and encouraging because ... every time the Lord rebukes us, personally or through another believer, He always, always, follows it with grace.  Encourage, forgive, be saved, cover sins, wisdom ... we should crave these things.  Pursue these things.  And more importantly,

we should surround ourselves with people who will willingly and faithfully invest in our lives and search out our hearts so they can be the piece of iron the Lord will use to refine us and make us more like Him.

Because when rebuke is done correctly, Biblically, and with pure motives, the result is a heart and life that is stronger, more mature, and ready to pursue a loving, faithful, and just God who disciplines us BECAUSE He loves us.

How about you?  

Do you have people in your life who care more about your holiness than your happiness?

Pray them in.  Ask the Lord to bring just one.  One person who will look you in the eye and ask the question no one else is willing to ask.  One person who will boldly, with gentleness and love, listen to you share your heart and then take your hand, walk you to Scripture, and show you what the Lord has to say.  One person who will get on her knees and go before the throne of grace with confidence on your behalf.  Just one. 

And though there may be moments that sting and cause you to wonder why you ever asked for this (on purpose!), you will also wonder how you ever managed life without her.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend.

My groom.

Dennis had the privilege of attending a conference for Biola University this past weekend.  The School of Education is trying to connect their newly credentialed teachers with Christian overseas organizations where they can serve and be a part of something bigger than "just getting a job."

He had a great time and enjoyed some real southern BBQ and even picked up a bit of a drawl while in Mississippi.  (Go ahead, try and imagine Dennis using a southern drawl ... it will amuse you!)

He has gone away many times and has always had to teach/coach or attend classes at least two nights a week during our entire marriage.  I do not even think about it - it is just our normal.  But something was different this time.  The boys and Ellie and I went about our normal routine and everyone did just fine - our routine does not waiver regardless of who is or is not home.  We actually had a really nice weekend together.  No drama, we enjoyed two rainstorms, spent an evening with friends, had my parents over, and just relaxed and moved through our days.

But there was something missing.   It wasn't just Dennis - it is what Dennis BRINGS to our home that was noticeably absent.  He brings energy, enthusiasm, ridiculousness, humor, random facts, physical intensity, strength, passion, and intelligence.  Basically, he fills in my gaps.  We really are a balanced team and do not even have to think about working together in the home, in ministry, or with our children.  Of course, we have had 17 years of practice, but it is truly a joy and blessing to be involved in something together working side by side.

I do not spend much time thinking about what life could/would be like if things were different - there is no purpose in that since we are called not to worry about tomorrow and to REJOICE in today.  But this weekend I found myself doing just that ... imagining a home without Dennis.  Sons without his influence and masculine presence.  A daughter without his unconditional love and model of how a man is to treat a woman with honor.  Ministry and events without his leadership, wit, and honesty.  Me ... a bride without my groom.

None of us would be the same.  Dennis makes each of us better.  He pushes us, he drives us nuts, he makes us laugh, he challenges us.  We need him - and we want him.

While our home is peaceful and efficient when he is not with us, it is not the EASTMAN home until he returns.  And that is exactly where we want him to be.  Home.

I cannot stop thinking about this.

Brother Andrew and Corrie ten Boom were friends.

Brother Andrew lived a life of faith and intensity as he smuggled Bibles through the Iron Curtain and ministered to underground Christians through prayer, encouragement, support, and literally placing God's Word into their hands.  His story is incredible ~ every Christian should know him intimately.

Corrie ten Boom is a woman of faith and learned the power of forgiveness and God's grace after surviving concentration camps and the deaths of her entire family.  Her story is inspiring and life changing and once you know her you will never look at difficult circumstances the same again.

Brother Andrew went to visit Corrie when she was living in Holland several years after her release from the camps.  She showed him around her sweet little home lined with colorful tulips and as he was leaving he said, "God has been good to you, Corrie."

She looked at him with eyes full of intensity and, with a stern tone, answered, "Andrew, God was good in the concentration camp."

He stood amazed and ashamed.  Because she was right!

We praise God and shout His name from the rooftops when he blesses us with a new job, creates a baby inside of us, provides a new home, or brings dear friends into our life.  We see Him as good and wonderful and powerful when blessings are pouring down ... we cannot contain our joy and confessions of utter gratitude and praise.

But that is when it is EASY to praise.  Of course we see Him as good when things are going the way we planned.  When we are getting what we want.  A new house, a baby, a wedding proposal, a long desired job opportunity, or even something as simple as a new wardrobe.  We are healthy.  We attend a church we love.  We have good friends who love us in return.  God is GOOD!

What about in the darkness?  In pain?  In sheer grief and disappointment.  Is God still good? We SAY He is, but do we believe it?  Do we live it?  Do we respond accordingly when the intense moments take over and the easy, "all my needs are being met and my desires are being satisfied" life fades away for a season?

Do we still praise God?

Corrie ten Boom did.  Elisabeth Elliott (after her husband was murdered by Auca Indians) did.  Jan Hus (Christian martyr), the apostle Paul, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Horatio Spafford (Author of "It is Well with My Soul") and countless others, praised God in the most tragic of circumstances.  Even in tremendous sorrow, unimaginable pain, and completely without control ~ they praised their God because they KNEW their God.
And He is a God that never changes.

For I am the Lord, I do not change.

Malachi 3:6

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Hebrews 13:8

There is only one answer to the question "Is God still God and is He still good even when life is crashing down around me?"

A resounding "Yes!"

“Your hands made me and formed me; give me understanding to learn Your commands.  May those who fear You rejoice when they see me, for I have put my hope in Your Word.  I know, O Lord, that Your laws are righteous, and in faithfulness You have afflicted me.  May Your unfailing love be my comfort according to Your promise to Your servant.”

Psalm 119:73-76

 

A response that shows a mature faith ~ even in the midst of deep suffering and pain we recognize God as God.  Unfailing, all-powerful, compassionate and loving.

We cling to His goodness in the depths of our darkness.

And one day the light breaks through and the God we knew yesterday is the same God we know today and we can collapse into His arms and find healing and rest because we know ~

He will still be the same tomorrow.

How great is our God.

It is an honor.

 It is an honor to be friends with a military family.

Karin and I went to high school together and now our kids are growing up as friends!

Her husband, Robert, is serving his second round in Iraq - the first time he went he was gone 18 months - this time he will serve for a year.  He is a loyal military man who loves our country and willingly chooses to serve her, love her, and die for her if need be.

But he loves his family more.

We invited Karin and the girls over for a night of food and fun and they showed up with presents!  Dennis had asked Robert to "bring him something cool from Iraq - like a US flag flown on a mission" and ... here it is!  Sadly, he was at a school conference so he has not yet seen it in person - he is going to be stoked!

We had such a nice night together.  Karin cannot stop smiling for more than a few seconds ~ it is her trademark.  The boys had a blast with Mariah and Marissa and Robert even called from Iraq while they were here - very cool!

 Karin showed the boys how to properly fold the American flag.

 The flag came with a certificate of authenticity and a photo of the Black Hawk Helicopter pilots.  Robert (upper right hand corner) and the men even signed the certificate.  What a thoughtful gift!

We are praying for you Robert and we are SO very proud to call you friend!  We can't wait for you to come home, and we will take very good care of your girls until you return.

Our entertainment for the night ...  have you seen Tim Hawkins?  H Y S T E R I C A L.

 And then the kids treated us to some karaoke.  None of them are shy!

And the teenager sleeps ...

Thank you, Metoyer women, for giving up an evening to spend with us ~ we love you!

The answer is ...

 Belly Bucking; verb, a game

Each player stuffs a large pillow under his/her shirt.

They line up on opposite sides of a room and then run towards each other, 

leading with the belly pillow.

The goal is simple - knock your opponent down!

It is a game for the young and old and causes much laughter.

Go ahead, try it!  You will be glad you did.

The pain must be unbearable.

Do you remember THIS POST?

Tonight I received an e-mail that this young girl, Brielle, has quietly slipped into a coma and will be seeing her Savior face to face within hours.

Her entire family is gathered around her, and I can only imagine the thoughts swirling through their minds.  Begging God for just one more minute with her  ... not wanting to breathe in case they miss a moment  ... thinking of every good memory they have of her life ... the mother in agony at the thought of never again holding her firstborn child, seeing her smile, feeling her hugs ... a father who just cannot understand why his daughter must go home to her true Father so soon ... two girls who cannot imagine a life without their big sister ... the tears, the heartache, the gut wrenching sorrow ... 

The pain must be absolutely unbearable.

And for those on the outside ~ those who have followed her journey, rejoicing in the highs and praying through the lows ~ those who cooked for them, took care of the girls during hospital stays and doctor appointments ~ friends, co workers, church family, and strangers ... there is absolutely nothing we can do or say to ease that pain.

She is dying.  No human has any power to save her.  To prolong her life.  Her days were numbered in the Lord's book of life when she was formed in the secret places of the earth.  And only HE has the power make her completely whole ("Is anything too difficult for the Lord?") or call her home.

HOME.  The place we all say we want to enter but fight our hardest to stay away from.  Brielle is going to see the Savior.  Did you hear me?  She is going to SEE HER SAVIOR!  Face to face.  All things will be clear.  No more guessing or wondering what heaven will be like ~ she will know!  Within an instant she will have a full understanding of her God.  Hear His voice.  Feel His touch.  Sing praises at His feet with the angels and saints of old.  She will be whole, complete, perfect, and eternal.

Eternal.

She will spend an eternity praising the God she loved, the Savior she trusted, the Spirit she obeyed.

How precious.  How wonderful.  How glorious.

For her.

But for those who are left behind, there will be long days ahead, and even longer nights.  They will cry until they wonder how it is even possible to cry again.  They will hear her favorite song and miss her.  They will see her bedroom and fall apart at the sight of her animals, drawings, and favorite sweatshirt.  Seeing a photo of her smiling in the arms of her parents will bring them to their knees.

And the Lord will be there.

He will be there.

Lord, I come before you with a mother's heart that is in agony imagining the pain this woman is feeling as she holds her dying daughter in her arms.  Her heart must be aching with a pain that seems impossible to bear.  The thought of feeling her sweet girl take her last breath must make her mind reel.  They prayed for healing.  They begged You to restore their daughter.  But You said no.  You want her home because it serves Your purpose and design for her life ~ You knew she would die young.  You knew the pain and suffering her family would endure, and You said "It is okay.  I will be right there.  Every day, through every sorrow and frustration, and even unto death."  

You promise that death is precious in Your sight for your saints, Lord.  Brielle is YOUR daughter first.  You created her.  You love her.  You drew her to Yourself because You wanted her.  You wanted her.  And now, we have to trust You and fall into the truth of who You are to find comfort and strength and understanding.  People question You when people die young, Lord.  It makes no sense to those who do not know You ~ and even to those who do.  Reveal Yourself in a mighty way so You may be seen and glorified in her death.  Brielle loved you.  She loved sharing the joy of her salvation with anyone who would listen, and because of her sweet and gentle spirit, they did listen.  Use those memories to touch the hearts of those who knew her.  Draw them to You in their grief and confusion and keep satan away as he seeks to create doubt and anger and rage and turn people away from You.

Thank You for being a God who understands our pain.  A God who sees our sorrow and our tears.  A God who LETS US rage and scream and cry and waits patiently for us to calm down, collect our thoughts, fall on our knees, and finally cry out to You because there is no other place to turn.

Because, Lord, You are all we need.  Even when nothing makes sense and we feel like we are being swallowed up in darkness, You are all we need.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.

Psalms 116:15

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
Philippians 1:21

We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent
from the body, and to be present with the Lord.

2 Corinthians 5:8 

For I am confident of this, that He who began a good work
in youwill carry it on to completion
until the day of Christ Jesus.  

Philippians 1:6

For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

II Timothy 4:6-8

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words.  

I Thessalonians 4:13-18

 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” 

Revelation 21

To Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy - to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen. 

Jude :24,25

May the angels rejoice as Brielle is presented before the Lord of heaven and earth~ with great joy ~ as she meets her Father face to face.

* And she did meet her Savior today, 
February 18th, at 9:45 am.
And the angels rejoiced.

I did it!

As I have shared before, I am not a fun person.  I am a serious, deep, organized person.  I have to schedule fun.  Seriously.  "Do something silly today" or "Make your boys laugh" are actual notes on my "To Do" list.

I was challenged after the homeschool meeting at my house last week to be purposeful about adding some fun to our daily routine.  (rather than having it happen by accident.)  I know this sounds crazy to all of you free-spirited people out there, but I speak truth.  My mind is always leaning towards the necessities of life rather than the pleasures.

But not last night!  Dennis teaches on Monday nights and does not get home until about 9:00 pm, so the boys and I are on our own.  I made dinner, had everyone bathe/shower, put the littles to bed, and then asked the boys if they wanted to play a game with me.  They were shocked!  We played a rousing game of "Clue" (I won) and then I let them grab three forks and devour what was left of an apple pie - right out of the tin!

And then I really knocked their socks off when I taught them to Belly Buck.  Now, if you do not know what this is, you are missing out!  Loads of fun for any age.  But I am not going to tell you what it is ... I want you to guess!  So go ahead ~ tell me what you think Belly Bucking is.  You just might find a little surprise in your mailbox if you are correct!  ;o)

(My mom, my brother/sis-in-law, and my college roommate Jenny are EXEMPT from the contest because they already know what it is.  Sorry guys!)

So, there you go.  I did it!  I had FUN with my guys.  I made them laugh.  I surprised them.  And they enjoyed their mom.  It was a good night.  One I look forward to repeating many times.

I hope YOUR day is filled with laughter and silliness.  At least for a little while!

A timely word.

"A person finds joy in giving an apt reply—
   and how good is a timely word."  
Proverbs 15:23 

After I wrote this post on JEALOUSY, I received notes from women who identified with my heart struggle.  The Lord used their own personal stories to encourage me and remind me that we can all fall for satan's lies when he whispers in our ear "You are not enough!" 
Lies.  Pure lies.

We ARE enough, simply because we are children of the Living God.  We need nothing else.  And nothing will ever satisfy the way He does ... He is sufficient to meet all of our needs and to satisfy every desire.

One particular note struck a chord with me and I have been reading it over and over, letting it soak in and touch my heart exactly where it needs truth.

" ... I am letting you know this as a reminder that your gifts are just as important/special/unique and usable as someone else's.  

Someone can knit a person a blanket as a gift and someone can sit down and listen to their problems. Neither are better.  Both are special.

You are one of a kind and I love you JUST AS YOU ARE.

If you could crochet a hat and cook like Martha Stewart, you wouldn't be Michelle.  And that is who people want."

"Neither are better.  Both are special."

"If you could ... you wouldn't be Michelle."

"How good is a timely word."

The exact words I needed to hear.  

The Lord knew.

He spoke them to a friend who was obedient to share them with me.

And I was encouraged.

I was humbled.

I was challenged to see myself as God sees me.

I know there is always going to be someone more talented ... more attractive ... a better cook ... more creative ... younger ... faster ... more thoughtful ... wealthier ... smarter ... 

I know I will struggle with jealousy and insecurity again.  Maybe even tomorrow.  But that is okay, because I can use those moments of ugliness to force my eyes, my heart, and my mind back to the Savior and allow Him to refine me again.  Rub off the rough edges.  Smooth out the wrinkles.  Make me more like Him and less like me.

More like Him.

Less like me.

May this be a daily pursuit.  My deepest desire.  The story of my life.

The blanket brigade.

 This is how we do school on chilly days.  Every boy grabs a blanket, gets cozy, and settles in to listen to me read.  Rough life, huh?

Happy 11th Birthday, Micah!

 Micah ~

It has been an absolute blessing to be your parents these 11 years.  You are no longer a little boy.  You are hardly a boy at all!  The Lord is growing you in so many ways - physically, in maturity, spiritually - it is a pleasure to watch Him work in your heart, mind, and soul.

Our lives would not be the same without you.  The Lord has used you to refine us and change us and we will never cease to PRAISE Him for giving us the privilege of being your parents.  He could have chosen anyone, but He chose US.

You are an absolute delight, Micah Steven Eastman, and we love you with a sincere, unwavering, faithful love ... and we always will.

Happy Birthday, our firstborn son.

Happy Birthday.

Plain old jealousy.

Today took me by surprise.

I have been humming along in life, doing my thing, raising a family, educating my children at home, enjoying ministry, loving my husband, serving when possible ... and though there are bumps and hiccups in the road now and then, I just keep moving along enjoying life.

And then today - WHAP!  I was bit, hard, by the green-eyed monster of jealousy. (who decided green would be used for this insecurity, by the way?)

Insecurity and jealousy/envy were a very real, ugly, and embarrassing part of my past.  I spent years working with the Lord to learn to be content no matter what was going on around me.  I am not the woman with the Midas Touch - where everything I do or try turns to gold.  I have zero tangible skills like designing clothing or taking fantastic pictures.  All of the skills the Lord has given me are not touchable ... they are of the mind and the heart.  I have a passion for walking alongside women and encouraging them and challenging them to pursue Christ first ... to give their first energies to their husband and children ... to be real, vulnerable, growing in their walk.  And I LOVE spending my time this way.

Sometimes, not very often, but sometimes, I am overwhelmed with all of the "talent" that surrounds me.  It seems like everywhere I look, everything I read, everything I hear involves someone who can do more, look better, have more, give more, serve more ... more, MORE, MORE.

Today was one of those days.  Every time I turned around I saw someone else with something I cannot have.  And probably never will have.  Talent, things, looks, opportunities, benefits, skills.  By the time I settled down on the couch to nurse Ellie in the quiet of the night, I felt like I could scream.  Why today?  Why so much in one day, Lord?  I thought I had a handle on this!?  Why is every insecurity I have ever had in life choosing to attack me now?  And why am I letting it?

I worked so hard to break a sin cycle of discontentment.  I have been cautious about petty comments and critical judgments that come out when I feel overlooked or insecure.  I memorized countless Scriptures to keep myself in check and remind me that I am complete in Christ ~ totally, unswervingly, firmly grounded in who I am as His daughter.  Sure, I waiver and stumble once in a while, forgetting who I really am and focusing on what I think I "should be" or who I am not.  But I have learned to take those thoughts captive and immediately start praying through it ... speaking the truths of Scripture to myself and praising God for the way He made me ~ the way He chooses to use me ~ whether I like it at the moment or not.

Because, truth be told, I love sitting on my couch with another woman, asking her about her walk with the Lord, listening to her share her hurts and her pain, rejoicing with her in the good things God is doing in her life, and challenging her with tough questions that make her think and push her closer to the Savior. 

I love when Dennis and I sit together with a young couple and talk about life ... marriage ... priorities ... intimacy ... and are trusted to see a vulnerable and tender side of their relationship.

I love receiving a letter from a woman who has lost a baby through miscarriage who pours her heart out to me because she feels safe with me and knows that I understand ~ a perfect stranger who feels connected to me and tells me it is because of my honesty and vulnerability about the loss of my son Matthew.

Those things are my passion.  I do not have a passion to design jewelry or gorgeous gardens.  I do not desire to go back to school to become an expert in any field.  I cannot draw, sew, or paint.  I still cannot figure out how the color wheel works.  I have zippo, zilch "put it in a bag and market it" skills.  And some days that makes me really irritated.  Six minutes on Etsy and I feel like I do not deserve to be called a homemaker.  Ten minutes on a homeschool website and I am wondering why my kids are not in a private school with "professionals."

But then I have to S T O P.  Just stop it, Michelle!  What are you doing?  Does it matter if you cannot sew your your own drapes/bedspread/valances/wedding dress?  Does it matter that you cannot create a business decorating million dollar homes by the beach?

Nope.  It doesn't matter.

Because what I CAN do, I do well.  I was designed that way.  A creative, orderly, wonderful God CHOSE to create me to be linear.  Black and white.  Serious.  Intense.  Introspective.  He gave me the privilege of a spiritual gift that makes me crave Scripture, want to understand Scripture, and use it to encourage, exhort, rebuke, and challenge believers.  HE made ME.  Exactly as He wanted me to be.  There was no confusion or second thoughts.  He did not wonder if He was doing the right thing.  He formed me in the dark places before I was born ~ and called me by name.

I am precious.  I am valuable.  I am His.

And that is enough.  Even on my most insecure and doubtful days,

He is enough.

Hmmm...

I wonder which wife my groom would prefer coming home to?

This one?

 Or this one?

I'm pretty sure I could guess his answer and be correct!

I have been thinking a lot about "my look" lately.  Not the look that everyone sees on Sunday morning at church or the look our friends see when we double date.

I am talking about the look that Dennis sees when he comes home from work.

As a stay-at-home/homeschool mom I really struggle with "getting ready" each day because I am not actually GOING anywhere.  I am staying home to do laundry, read books, nurse babies, change diapers, educate my children, and prepare meals.  Unless we have a field trip planned or company coming over, I feel like there is no need to wear nice (AKA matching and non elastic) clothes, put on make up, or have my hair shiny and coiffed.  I never wear jewelry on weekdays.  And lipstick?  Forget it.

But you know what?  It is wrong!  So very, very, very wrong.

If there should be anyone for whom I spend time on my appearance, it is my husband!  He married a young girl and promised to grow old with her and stay with her for better or worse.  But I am guessing the "worse" did not translate into his wife wearing sweats (or pajamas), old t-shirts, socks, and a hair clip when she greeted him after a long day at work.  He loves me unconditionally, but I think he would LIKE me more if I were a tad more attractive than a hobo when he returned home.

I have been thinking about this for a while and waiting/hesitating/dreading to write about it.  Once I put it out there, I am accountable.  Dennis reads my blog every day.  My sons read my blog every day.  (The same sons who, when I come out in a nice outfit, makeup, and a necklace, say "Wow, Mom!  Where are you going all fancy?"  So sad.)  Some of my friends read my blog.  My point?  Once I make the commitment I am about to make, I will have to follow through ~ because, I will have a nice little group of accountability partners keeping me in check.

So here it is:

On this day, February 10, 2011, I am committing to do the following things:

* Put on foundation, blush and mascara every single day
* Style my hair in an attractive manner
* Wear at least one piece of jewelry other than my wedding ring
* Wear clothing that I would wear if I was meeting a friend for lunch

Some of you are rolling your eyes thinking, "You have GOT to be kidding!  Is it really that hard to spend 17 seconds slapping on mascara, Michelle?  Come on."  Others may be wondering, "You mean this Tweetie Bird shirt from college is not attractive?  My husband is not drawn to me in these cozy sweatpants?  Hmm."

Criticize me if you will.  Laugh at me if you want to.  But hopefully I am not the ONLY woman in America who fails miserably in this area.  I have simply allowed spit-up and finger paint and chores to dictate my daily wardrobe and style.  But no more! No longer will I be found getting all dolled up for a night out with friends or a speaking engagement while my husband gets the Roseanne Barr version of Michelle at 5 pm.

I do not want my husband and my children to notice when I am pleasantly dressed and attractive.  I want them to notice when I am NOT.

So here I go ~ I am off to becoming contestant #1 and pitching anything that remotely resembles contestant #2.

Wish me luck!

There is really no excuse.

"Do everything without complaining or arguing." 

Philippians 2:14

Last night I sat in my family room with 11 other women as we shared our struggles, our goals, and our desires as homeschooling moms.  This is the time of year when we get into a lull ... a blah mode ... we lack passion for teaching ... the excitement of a new school year has worn off ... the holidays have ended ... there are only a few months of school left, much to accomplish, things to complete ... and we are tired.

Most of us had to drag ourselves to the meeting.  But as I have learned, it is when you least want to be somewhere or do something, that is when you NEED to be there.  Satan wants to keep you away so you will remain discouraged and weary.  The Lord has something for you in those moments .. .something you need to hear.  Someone you need to see.  Someone who needs YOU.

And last night was exactly what each woman needed.  We shared from the depths of our hearts.  We were real.  Transparent.  Candid.  And after spending two hours listening to one another, hearing one another, understanding and identifying with one another, we ended our time in prayer and walked away with smiles and hugs and words of encouragement ~ a far cry from the group that entered my home only a short time before.

The list of topics discussed, take away phrases, ideas, and words that inspired were many.  But there was one theme that stood out among the rest ~ one sin issue that was confessed by all ~ one weakness that each woman wanted eradicated from her life, heart, and home.  What was it?

Anger.

Grumpiness.

Bad attitude.

Impatience.

Okay, so it was more than one.  But you get the picture.  We all admitted to being short on charm, grace, kindness, gentle answers, and long suffering with our children.

The Lord kept bringing this verse to my mind and played it over and over again.  "Do everything without complaining or arguing."  Philippians 2:14   "What in the world does this have to do with parenting?" I wondered.  And then it hit me.

One of my main "everythings" in life is being a mother.  It consumes most of my time, my energy, and my thoughts.  And while I do not complain about BEING a mother, I do complain or grumble about the TASKS of being a mother.

I get annoyed and yell when they spill their cereal all over the table.  Again.  I use a rude tone of voice when I tell them to stop doing something that is annoying me.  I show exasperation when they ask me the same question for the 14th time - "Why don't you LISTEN when I speak to you?!?"  I exhibit little, if any, patience for their childish foolishness.  I argue with them when they talk back to me.  I lecture instead of discipling when they have disobeyed.  

"Do EVERYTHING without complaining or arguing."  

I have failed in this.  Sometimes on purpose.  Sometimes because I am focused on self and simply don't want to be bothered.  And sometimes I just don't WANT to do laundry, or change a diaper, or make lunch, or scrub a toilet.

But you know what?  It does not matter AT ALL whether I want to do something or not.  The Lord asks me to do two things:

* Do everything for the glory of God / work as unto the Lord

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." I Corinthians 10:31

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men."  Colossians 3:23

* "Do everything without complaining or arguing."  Philippians 2:14

Just these two verses alone leave me without excuse.  Do I need to sing "Spoonful of Sugar" every time I change a diaper or put in the 12th load of laundry for the week?  No.  Do I need to skip around tossing confetti on my children while I get dinner ready and clean the kitchen?  Of course not.

But I DO need them, and every other task that is a part of being a homemaker/mother/helpmeet, to be done without a bad attitude, an ungracious tone, or condescending words.  Period.

I really struggle with this, friends.  Even now, as I write these words, I am convicted because I just yelled at a child for being rude to his brother.  YELLED.  Not corrected, rebuked, or disciplined.  Yelled.  Do you see the irony here?

I know this conviction is from the Lord.  I know He is holding a mirror to my face to show me a very ugly part of myself.  And I know He wants to see change.  It is going to be a long road ... and I will never be able to do it on my own.  It is only by His strength, His power, His grace, that I can turn from my sin and be made righteous and worthy of His calling.

Lord, help me.  That is all I ask.  Help me.

Tell me, oh please, that I am not the only one!

Am I the only one who feels like she is never doing enough?

Am I the only one who feels like she needs to step up her game as a wife?
A mother?
An educator?
A friend?

Is it just me, or do you feel like you waste time each day?  Not in a "I am not allowed to sleep because I could be using that time to feed the poor" manner, but simply, "I spent one hour watching a stupid rerun on television when I could have used that time more productively" kind of way.

I hope I am not alone, but even if I am it begs the question, "What IS enough?"

If you ask me any day of the week if I feel like I did enough/accomplished enough/gave enough I would say, "No."

You see, this is the list I have in my head every morning when I wake up.  Things I SHOULD do.  Not necessarily things I WANT to do.  (and in no particular order)

~ make a healthy breakfast for the boys
~ read Scripture
~ nurse Ellie
~ write a note of encouragement to someone
~ hug each of my children
~ praise each of my children
~ educate the boys with exciting, interesting and clever lessons
~ tutor Caleb in his reading
~ tidy up the house
~ keep the kitchen sparkling and the sink empty
~ put together great mid-morning snacks and a nutritious lunch
~ keep all the cupboards/closets organized and efficient
~ have the laundry basket continually empty
~ read to Josiah and Isaiah
~ write
~ journal
~ exercise
~ check off list of "to do's"
~ meet my husbands needs - all of them
~ minister to a young mom who needs that gentle nudge in the right direction
~ sleep
~ pray
and the list goes on.

Now, hold on to your hats because I am going to say something that will make you gasp.  Are you ready?
I never complete all of these things in one day.  Ever! 

Is it humanly possible to accomplish all of these things in 24 hours?  Absolutely.  Is it realistic?  Not really.

Where does this ridiculous expectation come from?  When did we (I assume I am not alone) start believing that we have to "do it all" in order to be a good wife/mother/friend/WOMAN?  The answer is actually very simple:

We think we have to do it all because we are always looking AROUND.

"Wow, she is in shape.  She must work out a lot.  I need to start exercising."  "This meal is delicious!  I should cook better meals for my family."  "Her kids know French!  We should get Rosetta Stone this summer and start Spanish with the kids."  "Her husband adores her.  Maybe if I showed more affection to Hal he would look at me like that."

And then we go home, look at our life and think, "Hmpf."

We have to stop looking around at others and start looking UP into the face of the Savior.

When I look at my list of "what I need to do to be fabulous" I can quickly slim it down when I look at it through the eyes of Scripture ~ through the eyes of the Lord. 

As a wife I am commanded to:  respect Dennis, submit to his authority, and meet his physical needs (Ephesians)
As a mother I am commanded to:  train up my children (Proverbs) , teach them the Scriptures during every moment of the day (Deuteronomy), love them (Titus 2), and discipline them (Proverbs)
As a child of God I am commanded to:  pray without ceasing (I Thessalonians), meditate on the Word of God (Joshua and Psalms), and love the Lord with all of my being (Matthew).

I have yet to find verses in Scripture that tell me to wear a size 10 ~ have perfect color wheel decor in my home ~ dress my kids like a Gap ad ~ have floors that show my reflection ~ cook like I am a 5 star chef ~ or be able to find anything I want in a nanosecond because my closets are picture perfect.

Most of the things that fill our To Do list are not necessary.  They might make us happy or make our life convenient or add comfort to our day, but they are not necessary.  And the truth is, all of the women we feel insecure about or (let's be honest) envy, probably feel the same way we do.  Who knows, she may have a full time maid who cleans her house and does her laundry and THAT is why her house always appears perfect.  She may have a live-in parent who helps watch her kids so she is able to sneak out to the gym or get her nails done once a week and THAT is why she looks so put together.  She may have a husband who works 80 hours a week and to keep her mind of her loneliness she experiments in the kitchen and THAT is why she creates incredible meals.  She may have had a very difficult childhood and finds great comfort in memorizing Scripture and THAT is why she seems so spiritual.

But the truth is ~ WHO CARES?!?

We cannot worry about the driving force behind everyone around us.  We stand alone before a God who asks us to do the most basic of tasks:  Love Him with all of our heart, soul, and mind ... love others ... respect our husbands, train our children, absorb His Word, and talk to Him daily.  Everything else will fall into place if we keep these first and give our time/energy/attention to them before we worry about how we decorate the baby's nursery.

My list needs to be trimmed. 
The cutting begins today. 
Anyone want to join me?

"Therefore ... let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith."  Hebrews 12:1-2

"Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you."  Proverbs 4:25

Everyday life.

 I love that kids can use boxes to make anything, or nothing!  Endless possibilities.  Always FUN!

Working through the Psalms.

Don't you just love the Psalms?

No matter what mood you are in, there is a Psalm that fits the moment.  Even the chapters when David is hiding from enemies and fearing for his life can be fitting for so many different circumstances.

My favorite thing is that every page of the book is filled with PRAISE.  Just try and find one Psalm that does not contain a thought, verse, or entire section devoted to thanking God for His goodness, His love, His protection, or His wisdom.  Even in the worst of times, David remembers that God is still God and worthy of all praise.

I have always loved them.  I go through phases when I devour them and then ignore them completely for a time.  But every time I come back it is like seeing an old friend.  I know exactly what to expect and I am never disappointed.

I have been craving them lately.  Seriously craving them ~ to the point that if I do not read them I feel stressed.  (Like I feel when I am not allowed to have sugar!)  When I have a burden like that, I know it is from the Lord and He is using the Holy Spirit to urge me into obedience.  And man oh man, the blessings that come from such obedience!  Every time I read a Psalm I feel like I have been given a cold drink of water ~ refreshing, soothing, calming, peaceful ... life changing.

When I was in college I heard a speaker share a method for reading through the entire book every month.  You read five chapters each day and use this simple formula:  Begin on the 1st of the month by reading chapter 1 and then every 30th chapter.  So on February 1st you read Psalm 1, Psalm 31, Psalm 61, Psalm 91, and Psalm 121.  On the 2nd you read Psalm 2, 32, 62, 92, 122.  And so on.  By the end of the month you will have completed the entire book and filled your mind with all of the wonderful promises of God, and reminders of His power, forgiveness, long suffering, mercy, grace, and infinite love for you.  What a wonderful way to spend your time!

I started reading them on my own, but after a couple of rough days with the boys I thought it might be fitting to let this book soak into their minds as well.  Each morning we read through them before we begin our school day and though I do not know the full impact it makes on my boys, I know it has one on me.  Reading those words gets my focus right.  Lightens my mood.  Ministers to my heart and encourages my spirit.

God's Word never returns void.

If you have never taken a serious look at the book of Psalms, I challenge you to do so.  One month.  A few minutes a day to spend with the Savior.  I promise you, you will love what you read!

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.
 Worship the LORD with gladness;
   come before Him with joyful songs.
Know that the LORD is God.
   It is He who made us, and we are His;
   we are His people, the sheep of His pasture.

Enter His gates with thanksgiving
   and His courts with praise;
   give thanks to Him and praise His name.
For the LORD is good and His love endures forever;
   His faithfulness continues through all generations.

Psalm 100

Strangely complimentary.

Monday morning I received this e-mail:

"Big favor time.  I know you are super busy and don't have time for this, but there is a gal who is about to have a baby and I would so love for her to sit down and talk to you for a few minutes.  Could I bring lunch over tomorrow and could we steal about an hour of your time?  And could she bring her best friend who has never seen anyone with more than 2 children?  In other words I kind of want to put you on display.  Do you mind?"

After laughing (quite a bit) and praying that my children would hide their sin for an afternoon, I responded that I would be absolutely delighted to spend an hour with a new mom-to-be.  And, that is was the strangest and most complimentary favor I had ever been asked to do!

I thought about the meeting as I went about my business yesterday.  "What do I have to share with a new mom?"  "What would I have wanted to hear or be encouraged with, lo those many years ago, as I awaited the arrival of my first born?"  I jotted down a couple of notes, asked the Lord to use me to minister to this young woman, and moved on with my day.

And then, at 12:30 this afternoon, three lovely ladies showed up on my doorstep with a delicious Panera salad (BBQ chopped chicken salad is my current favorite) and we talked for the next 90 minutes without one pause.  I'm not even sure I took a deep breath the entire time!

It was so fun to hear all of the questions about nursing and schedules and what to expect after giving birth ~ as many times as I have done this, I always forget how many details there really are.  And, how many details no one ever talks about that should be discussed!  Every topic of conversation sparked a memory of another, "Oh!  And this is important ..." or "Be sure you have this for your hospital stay ..."  We laughed a lot and I was incredibly honest about some of the difficult parts of newborns and being a first time mom, but always bringing it back to the big picture ~ what the Lord intended for motherhood and the family when He created us.  Motherhood is not about US.  We give up self.  We sacrifice our own needs for those of our family.  There is balance in taking time to refresh and recharge so we can be the BEST wife and mother, but ultimately, our energy, strength, creativity, and passion comes from the Lord.  The same Lord who created this life and CHOSE US to receive such a precious gift.

Satan is always looking for ways to attack us, cause us to doubt, feel inferior and what better time then when a woman is hormonal, sleep-deprived, and feeling like she is a deflated balloon.  It was a reminder to me that we need to completely encircle these women and their precious newborns ~ whether they do things "our way" or not ~ and hold them up in the weary moments as well as cheer them on when they are ready to give up.  We need each other.  The heart of a mother is a unique position and those who have gone before us can provide such rich jewels of wisdom and practical advice, counsel, and sometimes a much-needed shoulder to cry on.

Today was a blast.  The look of wonder and "aha" moments was priceless.  Though I still get a pang of sadness knowing I will never hold another newborn of my own, I rejoice and look forward to being a source of encouragement and strength and support for a woman who is embarking on such a wonderful adventure for the very first time.  You can never have another "first."  It is, most definitely, a unique and precious time.

Once again, I went in to this day thinking it was all about someone else.  And it was.  But as He so often does, the Lord slipped a little lesson in for me as well.

As an experienced mother of six children, I have a job to do.  I have no business teaching parenting classes as my children have not shown the "proof in the pudding" so to speak, but I can walk alongside a young woman who has never changed a diaper or put a baby on a schedule or balanced the needs of her husband with those of a crying infant.

The Lord can use me.  But only if I am willing.

I am.