Are you in it for the long haul?

I have been thinking about this for quite a while now, but it was not until this weekend that all of my thoughts came together, ready to be poured out and put into words.

We had the delight of spending an entire evening with some old friends whom we have not seen in several years ~ I met the husband in college and had the privilege of meeting his sweet wife a few years later.  We spent four hours talking.  That is it!  No entertainment.  No television.  No texting.  Just four old friends sharing their hearts, their experiences, their struggles.  Sharing LIFE.  It was wonderful and ministered to me in a unique way.   Being trusted with deep emotions and hurts is such a precious thing.  Being allowed into the hearts and minds of two people you care for is a privilege.  This couple let us see inside of them ... they let us ask questions ... they let us share our own moments of frustration and heartache in the hopes of encouraging them ... simply stated:  They let us love them.  And I cherished every single moment.  

The following day I was able to spend an entire afternoon with one of my oldest and dearest friends ~ just the two of us and Ellie.  From the moment we hugged hello we did not stop talking.  And our conversation, while light at times and filled with giggles and laughter, was a conversation that mattered.  My precious friend struggles daily with a disease that has controlled her life for almost two decades.  She has endured countless doctors, testing, illnesses, setbacks, horrible symptoms beyond her control ... and she has endured all of it with grace.  She has had moments of anger and frustration and despair during the course of these years, but always, always, she holds her head up high, faces the day ahead and serves and gives to others with a passion and intensity I have never seen equaled.  Now, she is about to enter a new phase of her journey and yesterday I looked her in the eye and committed to walking through the fire with her... especially a specific part that I can literally do with her to provide a source of encouragement and mental support as she faces the long road ahead.  And do you know what was most beautiful about that moment?  She did not argue with me.  She did not try to talk me out of it.  She just looked at me with tears in her beautiful green eyes and said, "Thank you."

And that is why I ask the question:  Are you in it for the long haul?

Are you a friend who is willing to go the distance?  It is easy to be a friend when you are looking through bridal magazines to find "the dress", decorating your first apartment, shopping for baby clothes and planning a vacation at the beach together.

But what about real life?  Are you going to be as eager and committed when a spouse loses his job?  A child is in the hospital with no immediate answers?  Will you stand by with your feet ready to serve through surgeries, hospital stays, addictions, infidelities, marriage struggles, wayward children, health issues, death of a parent, terminal illnesses, walking away from the Lord?

When a friend is wheelchair bound due to an accident, will you be willing to spend a week in a chair to experience her daily struggles so you can better know how to serve her?  When her child is diagnosed with a disease, will you pray for that child every time you hug your own?  Will you sacrifice your own wants in order to provide a week of groceries for a friend who has no job or medication for a sick parent who cannot afford it?

It is easy to be a friend when life is simple ... when our biggest concerns are where to eat out after church and who is hosting the Superbowl.  It is almost effortless. There may be a hurt feeling here or a misunderstanding there, but it is rarely of eternal significance.

But life changes.  It gets harder.  And for no other reason than the simple reality that there is no such thing as perfect this side of heaven.  If you are a living, breathing human being with only one friend in the world, you  are going to walk through a fire together.  There will always be fire.  Sometimes in their world, sometimes in yours.  Are you willing to get dirty?  Are you willing to carry the bucket of water again and again to quench the flame?  Are you willing to speak truth to someone even if it makes them uncomfortable?  Or angry?  To look them in the eye and say, "This is not okay."  "You need to fight for your marriage with every fiber of your being."  "I will do this with you - every day - all day - until it is over."

Are you willing to go the distance?

 "Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ."

Galatians 6:2

Is it even possible?

Is there really enough paper and ink to express gratitude for the goodness of God?  For the innumerable blessings, acts of mercy, and gifts He bestows on us day by day?

Scripture says that even the rocks cry out to Him.  I find that verse fascinating ... even creation knows the Creator and rejoices!

I am continually overwhelmed  by God.  Even when I am unfaithful, seeking my own way, and dependent on self, He loves me.  He wants me.  He desires me.  Who am I that He should call me by name ...
but He DOES.  He does.

"You alone are the Lord.  You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth, and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them.  You give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship You."  

Nehemiah 9:6

"To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy ~ to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore!  Amen."

Jude 24, 25

"But let all who take refuge in You be glad; let them ever sing for joy.  Spread Your protection over them, that those who love Your name may rejoice in You."

Psalm 5:11

"I will praise You with the harp for Your faithfulness, O my God; I will sing praise to You with the lyre, O Holy One of Israel.  My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to You - I, whom You have redeemed.  My tongue will tell of Your righteous acts all day long."

Psalm 71:22~24

"I will proclaim the name of the Lord.  Oh, praise the greatness of our God!  He is the rock, His works are perfect, and all His ways are just.  A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is He."

Deuteronomy 32:3,4

"You alone are my God, and I will give You thanks;

You are my God, and I will exalt You."

Psalm 118:28

There is rejoicing today in Paradise!

If you read THIS POST you will understand the excitement and emotion behind this ...

On November 23, 2010

Luke Samuel Eastman

surrendered his heart and life to the Lord and is now, and forever will be,

a child of the KING.

"In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

Luke 15:10

If you need to be humbled as a parent ...

... have a day like mine!

The day started out well.  The boys woke up, did their chores, made their own breakfast, and then played some games together while they waited for me to begin lessons.

I nursed Ellie, made the bed, paid a few bills, picked up the house and prepared school work for the day.

And then I brought out a pile of underwear and a timer for Josiah - because he is STILL not potty trained!!!  This child simply refuses to get it done. (In the proper place that is.)  After a weekend of changing a child who could quite honestly pass for a 5 year old, I had had enough!  Last night I exclaimed to the family, "That is IT!  Tomorrow this child goes into underwear and he WILL NOT go back!"

Everyone gets settled in for the morning routine and I have Josiah running to the bathroom every 15 minutes and drinking water like crazy.  He has almost mastered that piece ... it is the "other" piece that has not qualified for mastery level.  You know what I mean, right?  The <ahem> backside.

So here we are reading God's Word, praying together and reading about famous men of the middle ages.  Josiah had JUST gone to the bathroom and was so proud of himself when he walks back into the living room and says, "I pooped."

Are you kidding me?!?

I could not stop what I was doing just then so I told him to go get into the bathtub and wait for me.  A pretty simple request I thought.

And then I heard the toilet flush.  Umm....

I walked into the bathroom and saw something that made me lose all manner of maturity and grace.

The bathroom floor was C O V E R E D in poop.  The toilet was covered.  The shower curtain was covered.  The bathtub was covered.

And the toilet was filled with about (and I am guessing here) three ROLLS of unwound toilet paper.  Oh, and a T-shirt.  And the toilet paper roll.

I yelled at him, "GET BACK INT THE TUB AND DO NOT MOVE!"  My plan was to leave him there.  For a while. 

He was crying, LOUDLY, I was mad and trying to figure out how I could even begin to clean it up, the older boys are holding their ears and Isaiah is trying to figure out a way to get in and see what is going on.  And then the phone rings.  Our dear landlord, who is a gentle and wonderful man, is sending someone over to find the reason our fan and heater are not working.  And all I could think was, "Now?  There will be witnesses! What will I do?"

I could FEEL the Lord tapping me on the shoulder saying, "Michelle, is it worth it?  He is a child, and he is foolish.  Yes, he blew it.  He did not do what you asked him to do and he made a horrible mess.  But don't you do the same thing?  Find grace, daughter.  Find humor.  Find something and pull it together."

I had barely shooed him outside (after lifting him by his armpit to swing him across the floor since there was nowhere safe to step) and sprayed Clorox cleaner all over the floor when the doorbell rang.  "That fast, Lord?  I thought I had at least 20 minutes to pull it together!?!"  I opened the door and there stood this delightful older gentleman with a tool belt and a smile ... ready to serve me.

A stranger was ready to serve me and I had no desire to serve my son.  I just wanted him to know it was not okay - that I was mad - that I wanted him to stop it and do what was right.  NOW.

That older gentleman saved us today.  He saved my son from my sinful anger and he saved me from myself.

Josiah is three.  He is not going to get it the first time.  He is an immature child.

What is my excuse?

He "missed" two more times today and I wish I cold say I was whistling a love song while I changed him and cleaned up the messes, but I am a work in progress.  As I sit here and write this I am convicted beyond measure and wish I could hit "rewind" and start the whole day over.  But for now, I will be content with knowing that I was wrong, seeing my foolishness and sin, and knowing that tomorrow is a new day in which I can try again.  Lord, give me strength!

P.S.  Josiah just came in said, "I need someone to change me.  I pooped."

Good night.

Unexpected and life changing. For two of us.

This weekend proved to be a thoughtful and introspective one.  But it wasn't planned.

Friday night I was snuggled into my cozy bed, my husband snoring contentedly beside me, and I began thinking about the day to come.  We were having a family over for dinner whom we have not seen in a long time, Dennis was meeting someone for coffee in the early morning, one boy had a sporting event and one was going on an outing with his buddy ... and it was this last thought that changed everything.

This son has not yet surrendered his heart and life to the Lord.  He is sensitive to the things of the Lord but he has not made the purposeful, personal commitment to accept the free and gracious gift of eternal life. 

I had this sudden image of him dying in a car accident on the way to his outing.  My heart stopped as I wondered, "Would he wake up in heaven or would he wake up in hell?"  And then I thought, "If I asked him if he absolutely knew where he would go when he died, what would he say?"  I was overwhelmed with these thoughts and knew I had to take them to the Lord.  So I began to pray.  I knew the Lord was pressing this on my heart for a reason and I wanted to be sure I was listening so I could be obedient to what He was asking me to do. 

The next morning I woke up and all the thoughts of the night before immediately came rushing back to me.  "What, Lord?  What do You want me to do?"  "Ask him.  Go talk to your son.  Ask him about Me.  Now."

I called my son into the room and I looked him right in the eye and asked, "If you died today would you go to heaven?"  His eyes began tearing up and he said, "I don't know."  I asked the Lord for the right words because I was suddenly consumed with emotion.  I actually FELT like something was going to happen to my son and I could do nothing to stop it ... I felt completely powerless.

I let the tears fall and said, "Do you know that the only thing that your Dad and I care about is having you standing next to us in heaven?  Nothing else matters.  Nothing.   Good manners, showing respect, all of the things I train you to do, or not to do, every day ... none of those are as important as how you choose to spend eternity.  And the hardest part of being a parent is knowing that we cannot make that choice for you.  The only one who can choose if you go to heaven or hell is you.  Only you."

We stood quietly for a few minutes as I hugged him and we both let silent tears fall.  He didn't say a word.  I shared some more of my heart and told him how much I loved him and said, "As much as I love you, it cannot even begin to compare to how much God loves you.  He desires that every person He created would follow Him, but He gave us the freedom to choose.  You have to choose son, whether you will surrender your heart to God or whether you will live for self.  And when you do, your life will never, ever be the same."

I told him to think and pray about what I said and when he was ready, to come talk to me.  We ended with more hugs, "I love you's" and smiles through wet eyes.  It was a scene I will never forget.

I have never felt such a burden for someone.  And I have never felt such an all-consuming fear for one of my children.  Fear is not my struggle.  Not since I was a child myself.  But as I stood in that room I felt it.  I felt fear creeping towards me, stretching out its claws to encircle me and draw me in until I could no longer break free.  I hated it.  And I would not let it win.  My mind flicked through the verses in my mind and I said out loud, "My God is not a God of fear. My God is NOT a God of fear."  And I began to pray.  Out loud.  "Lord, I do not want any of my children to die.  But I know that right now there is a woman standing at the graveside of her child, her heart breaking, the pain suffocating her - and she did not want her child to die either.  Who am I to assume You will not ask me to endure the same?  If you call one of my children home, You will have a purpose.  And I will be okay.  You say that I can do all things through YOU and I believe it. If I can do all things through You, then I can, and would, endure the loss of one of my precious children.  They are in Your hands, Lord.  And there is no better place to be.  I trust You."

I stood in the room a few minutes more as I felt the Lord calming my heart, chasing away the fear and bringing me back to the peace, strength and hope that comes only from Him.

And I am different.  I can feel it.  That is the first time in my life that I have looked someone squarely in the eye and asked if they knew they had security in heaven.  I am not an evangelist.  I can ask a stranger the most personal of questions but when it comes to faith and salvation I get nervous.  Ironically, salvation in Jesus Christ, the Son of the living God, IS the most personal question and the only question that matters.  I have never understood my fear, but now that I have looked my own son in my eye, my own son whom I know has not professed Christ as His Lord and Savior, I DO understand.  I was not lacking courage.  I was lacking passion.

I have never asked the Lord to burden my heart for the lost... for my own family members who do not love God ... for friends who continually reject Him.  I share my life.  I share my heart.  But I do not have an intense passion to take their hand and gently lead them to the Lord.  My spiritual gift is prophecy - knowing the Word of God and desiring for everyone to understand and live it as He commands.  I love taking people to Scripture and showing them who their God is, what He desires for them, and what He requires of them.  It is how He made me.

But I am also a child of a God who desires for all men to come to repentance that none should perish.  Jesus died for the world, not just me.  Or my children.  He died for ALL.  And it is my responsibility to live a life that not only shows people WHO God is, but to show them WHERE He is.

The Lord changed me this weekend.

It was unexpected.

It was uncomfortable.

But it was real.

And I will never be the same.

Thoughts on parenting and children.

We had a wonderful Mom's Night of Encouragement with our homeschooling group Monday night.

After we got the "business" settled we listened to Sally Clarkson on CD ~ a conference she gave on "Refreshment" ~ and then broke into small discussion groups to go deeper.  What a rich time of sharing and honesty and transparency ... it never ceases to amaze me how deep the heart of a woman is.  Each one has struggles, fears, and insecurities and wonders if anyone else "gets it."  What a joy it is to listen to her expose her heart and confess her fears and ask for prayer and encouragement to keep pressing forward knowing that her work is not in vain.

I wrote notes the entire time as each woman gave little gems of wisdom and thought-provoking statements that the Lord pressed upon me to further meditate on and pray through in the days to come.

I am sure I will have many posts to share in the following weeks as the Lord challenges my mind and convicts my heart.

                  ******************

When I discipline, is it because my children are being ungodly or are they just bothering me?

Our children are a mirror for our sin ~ the Lord is showing me what I look like to HIM when I live in my sin and immaturity.

I am responsible TO my children, not for them.  I am responsible to train them, grow them in maturity, take them to the cross, model godliness ... they are responsible for the outcome.

Do you want to be like Christ or like your child?  You have a choice how you respond to their immature and childish behavior.  Rise above it.

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."  I Corinthians 13:11

Do my children see God when I discipline them?

I need to get to the heart of my children ~ not just focus on their behavior.

Guilt has no place in the heart of a mother~ nor does bitterness.

It was God's will for me to have my children, therefore, it is His will that I ENJOY my children.

My job is not to make my children happy ~ my job is to teach them to be content.  There is a difference.  A big difference.

hap·py  (hp)adj. hap·pi·er, hap·pi·est

1. Characterized by good luck; fortunate.

2. Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy.

3. Being especially well-adapted; felicitous: a happy turn of phrase.

4. Cheerful; willing: happy to help.

 

con·tent   (kn-tnt)adj.

1. Desiring no more than what one has; satisfied.

2. Ready to accept or acquiesce; willing:

3. Mentally or emotionally satisfied with things as they are

4. Assenting to or willing to accept circumstances, a proposed course of action, etc.

 

                 *******************

A woman expressed feeling a lack of confidence in her skills as a parent.  I looked at the other five women in my group - some with littles and some with teens - and asked, "Do any of you feel that way?"  They all nodded quickly and responded, "Yes!"

I closed the night with this thought:

If we were confident and totally secure in our abilities and skills as a mother, we would have no need of a Savior.  We would be all-sufficient and would never be driven to our knees to take our children before the throne.  We would have no need to take them to the feet of Jesus because we would be enough.  And that is exactly the opposite of what God intended when He created man.  WE were created for HIM.  He wants us to seek His face.  He wants us to lean on Him.  Need Him.  Cry out to Him.  Seek His wisdom, His grace, His power, His strength.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. 

For when I am weak, then I am strong."

 

II Corinthians 12:9,10

I feel the need to PRAISE Him!

The heavens declare the glory of God; 

   the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
 

Day after day they pour forth speech; 

   night after night they reveal knowledge.
 

They have no speech, they use no words;
   no sound is heard from them.
 

Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
   their words to the ends of the world.
 

In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun.
It is like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber,
   like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
 

It rises at one end of the heavens
   and makes its circuit to the other;
   nothing is deprived of its warmth.

The law of the LORD is perfect,
   refreshing the soul.
 

The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
   making wise the simple. 

The precepts of the LORD are right,
   giving joy to the heart.
 

The commands of the LORD are radiant,
   giving light to the eyes.
 

The fear of the LORD is pure,
   enduring forever.
 

The decrees of the LORD are firm,
   and all of them are righteous.

They are more precious than gold,
   than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
   than honey from the honeycomb.
 

By them your servant is warned;
   in keeping them there is great reward.
 

But who can discern their own errors?
   Forgive my hidden faults.
 

Keep your servant also from willful sins;
   may they not rule over me.
 

Then I will be blameless,
   innocent of great transgression.

May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart
   be pleasing in your sight,
   O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. 

                                                    Psalm 19

What a treasure we have in God's Word!

Let's get creative!

We are currently studying medieval times and just finished the Vikings.  I wanted to do something creative for their "recitation" ... writing papers and talking about it becomes mundane, and, I have BOYS!  They need action.  So, as I was preparing for today's lesson (at 7:15 this morning) I glanced over and saw our video camera and thought, "Hey!  We can make a video about the Vikings!"  I told Micah and Luke they had 30 minutes to find ten actual facts from our medieval studies, put together a story, create characters, make props and then act it out for the family.  They rolled their eyes at first, but within eight minutes they were running all over the house pulling their props together and giggling.  When all was said and done I was quite impressed with their creativity, out-of-box thinking and details.  After they cleaned everything up they exclaimed, "That was SO fun!  I hope we get to do it again!"  And do it again we will!

I thought I would share the still-photo version - highlighting my favorites.

 

Omar and Thor set out to find new land.  They are standing in the Viking ship.  Because a laundry basket IS the same thing, right?  The yoga mat represents the ocean, of course.

 

 

Luke designed the Viking helmets.  Cleverly done with bike helmets and a strip of paper for the nose guard.

Micah's interpretation of a monk.

Battle scenes as they raided and pillaged villages and monasteries. (The Vikings did not respect the position of priesthood the way the English did.)

 The booty.  (Snapple bottles wrapped in tin foil to represent bars of silver.  They lamented that they had to settle for silver rather than gold.  But don't we all?)

 Omar and Thor sail home again after a successful trip - finding new land, raiding villages and stealing treasure.

I asked why the mat was curled and Luke looked at me like I was a buffoon and  responded, "Mom, it's a wave."  How did I miss that?

What does it even mean?!?

Vizzini: HE DIDN'T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE.
Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.


Seriously, I think if I hear the phrase "I am busy" or "I am exhausted" or "I don't have enough time to ..." one more time, I am going to lose my mind!  Do we even know what the word means anymore?

The definition of busy according to the dictionary:

bus·y  (bz)

adj. bus·i·er, bus·i·est

1. Engaged in activity, as work; occupied.

2. Sustaining much activity: a busy morning; a busy street.

3. Meddlesome; prying.

4. Being in use, as a telephone line.

5. Cluttered with detail to the point of being distracting: a busy design.

The first definition is what the word "busy" USED to mean - "engaged in activity as work."

But now?

It seems the last definition is much more fitting and accurate - "cluttered with detail to the point of distracting."

Let's bottom line it.  We all have 24 hours in a day.  We all have beds to make, meals to prepare, laundry to wash, gas tanks to fill, children to train, husbands to serve, people to pray for, ministries to lead.  We all eat, sleep, bathe, talk on the phone, e-mail, shop, meet with friends, watch TV.

Everything takes time.  But it is not about being "busy".  
It is about C H O I C E.

And it does not have to be negative.  We rip on people who are "busy" going to Disneyland, pilates class and getting a pedicure but someone can be "busy" donating blood, rocking and singing to orphans, making meals for the invalid, feeding the homeless, visiting prisoners, counseling engaged couples and serving on the missions board.  Either way, someone or something is sacrificed in the name of "busy."

I love this quote:  "Every time you say Yes to an activity you say No to family."  You could slip anything into the last piece ... "you say No to your children, your spouse, your health."

If we are really honest we would not say we are busy - we would say, "You know, today I am choosing to spend two hours in the mall rather than do my laundry."  "I would love to meet you for coffee but I am going to sit on the computer and read facebook instead."  Because after all, isn't that what we really mean when we say we are busy??  We are choosing to do one thing over another.  We have time.  We just don't want to do xyz activity.  Or we have said yes to so many things that we failed to carve out time for people ... for things that matter... for rest.

Do you agree with me, or am I off my rocker?

Let's start speaking the truth.  When someone asks us to do something or how we are, let us simply answer, "God is good!  I have 24 hours in my day and I am choosing to spend those hours doing these things ..."

Because that IS the truth.  Whether we choose wisely or poorly, the truth is, we choose.

The question is, which will it be?  Purposeful, wise, eternal things that get our time and energy and attention - or foolish things that we will not even remember next month.

Let us go back to the beginning and allow "busy" to have it's rightful place:

bus·y  (bz)

adj. bus·i·er, bus·i·est

1. Engaged in activity, as work; occupied.

with this purpose added:

"Whatever you do, 
work at it with all your heart,  
as working for the Lord ..."   
Colossians 3:23

Read this post for some Biblical perspective and encouragement on rest.

Mission: Failed.

"Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger."  Ephesians 4:26

"In your anger do not sin - when you are on your own beds, search your hearts and be silent."  

Psalm 4:4

"Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God."  James 1:19,20

I did not achieve righteousness this weekend.  

What I did achieve was selfishness and sin.

My groom and I just could not get together.  No matter what either of us said, it was interpreted or perceived negatively by the other.  We threw poisoned darts of rude and hurtful words at each other and then retreated into our own camps to stew in irritation and anger.

And I knew I was wrong.  I knew I needed to suck up pride, go to my husband and ask him to forgive me.  I am allowed to be annoyed, irritated, or even angry, but I am not allowed to let it rule me.  I am not allowed to use it to hurt someone else.  And when I do slip from the side of anger to sin, I have not only put a wedge between me and Dennis, I have put a wedge between me and the Lord.   Failure #1.

"If I regard wickedness in my heart, The Lord will not hear."  Psalm 66:18

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift."  Matthew 5:23,24

And you know what?  The things we were arguing about did not even matter!  It was nothing life changing.  It was not a Biblical issue.  It was simply this:  I wanted to be right and I wanted to win.  Period.

I had a scheduled meeting with a friend later that afternoon, so I got everything together and left.  I did not even say goodbye to him - I sent a child to tell him I was leaving.  And about four miles into my drive I heard the Lord speaking to me as He flooded my mind with Scriptures about anger, pride, selfishness, the tongue... all of the verses I did not want to hear.  I wanted him to suffer.  To KNOW I was mad.  To FEEL my anger. 

But the Lord said, 

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."  Romans 12:18

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."  Proverbs 15:1

"A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control."  Proverbs 29:11

 "Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."  Ephesians 4:1-3

I knew I had to go before my husband and apologize.  Repent.  Ask forgiveness.  Everything in me knew it was the only option.  But I didn't take it.  Failure #2.

I came home and we immediately left for a family event.  It was not the time or place, but instead of telling him that I wanted to talk about it later and being gracious until that time came, I continued to be silent (euphemism for "freeze him out") and certainly without peace.

He came to me later that night when the kids were in bed and all was quiet and asked if I was ready to talk.  I looked at him and said nothing.  I wasn't ready.  I wasn't ready to speak without being rude and I certainly was not ready to repent.  Even though I KNEW I needed to.  Failure #3.

“If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”  Luke 17:4

I just kept thinking and thinking and rolling all of those verses over in my mind.  Why is it so hard to admit you are wrong? I asked myself.  Why does it take so much effort to apologize?  Why is it so embarrassing to ask for forgiveness?

The answer is simple:  P R I D E

I want my way.  

Right now.

And I don't want you to tell me I am wrong.  

Even if I am.

And that is sin. 

"The anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God."  James 1:19,20 

There is no qualifying statement in this verse.   "Anger does not achieve the righteousness of God unless you were REALLY mad."  "Anger does not achieve the righteousness of God unless the person was an absolute jerk."

Anger does not achieve the righteousness of God.  Period.

It hurts others.  It destroys relationships.  It separates us from God.  So now, it is time to be obedient.

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed."  James 5:16

It is time for me to be restored to my husband and once again bring honor and glory to God through our marriage so that others will see HIM when they are looking at us. 

"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”  John 13:35

The von Eastman's

We all love The Sound of Music, right?  We can sing the songs, quote certain parts, we all have a favorite character.

My favorite has always been Captain von Trapp.  I like his humor, his wit, his military background and the way he ran his house like a ship.  Literally!

I always laugh during this scene with Fraulein Maria and the Captain.

Captain von Trapp: Now, when I want you, this is what you will hear.
[blows whistle]
Maria: Oh, no, sir. I'm sorry, sir. I could never answer to a whistle. Whistles are for dogs and cats and other animals, but not for children and definitely not for me. It would be too... humiliating.
Captain von Trapp: Fraulein, were you this much trouble at the Abbey?
Maria: Oh, much more, sir.
Captain von Trapp: Hmm.
[starts walking away. Maria blows her whistle & he turns around]
Maria: Excuse me, sir. I don't know your signal

A fabulously clever scene. And the look on his face when she blows the whistle at him is priceless.

What is my point, you ask?  Well, when you have a large family and the majority of the people are little, and BOYS, there is constant noise.  Which means, there is a lot of yelling.  Not "I am angry with you so I am going to yell at you" yelling, but "I HAVE TO YELL BECAUSE NO ONE CAN HEAR ME!" yelling.  It gets to the point that Dennis and I cannot stand the sound of our own voices.

And then inspiration struck.

While the Captain used the whistle due to lack of affection with his children and the desire to run his house like a submarine rather than a family dwelling, the actual purpose of the whistle was brilliant.  Each child had their own sound so they knew who was being summoned, thereby eliminating the need to yell across the mansion , "FREEEEDRICK!"

So, last night I had Dennis pick up a whistle.  And this morning, before school started, I introduced the boys to their new friend.  They actually laughed and thought it was totally cool!  My whistle does not have the melodious options that Captain von Trapp had so we went with a simple code of birth order.  Micah is one blast, Luke is two, Caleb is three and so on.  We also have a "every single child in the house needs to drop what they are doing and meet me on the couch" signal.

Laugh if you want to.  Shake your head in disgust if you must.  All I can say is Captain von Trapp was a genius.  When I blow this whistle a child comes running.  No yelling, no repeating myself over and over and OVER.  Just a quick blast and all is well.

Sing with the von Eastmans now!

"Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things"

Oh - and if you can find a more attractive whistle, please send it my way!  This was a $2 bargain but is not as attractive or as powerful as I would like.

Enjoy your weekend!

Thank you, Dennis. For everything.

My dear groom,

The Lord used you to bring everything to the surface. Everything I have been holding in and afraid to say out loud.  I know it was uncomfortable for you and I am sorry for that.  But I thank you for being willing to listen – to be quiet – to let me cry. And I thank you more for 10 years of encouragement, support, care, and service as I carried our babies.  You are a good man, Dennis, and you are an excellent father.  I would not trade one day of sickness, discouragement, frustration, pain or heartache because those things led to our beautiful children and our son who has lived only in glory.  God has a purpose for our family.  I don’t want to miss it. I want to be used.  I want to glorify Him.  I want to edify others.

With you.  

I want to do all of these things with you.

I love you,

Michelle

Reflection.

I wish I could post the thoughtful notes I received after my "transparency" post.  Since I did not ask permission, however, they will have to remain a secret treasure of encouragement, support, empathy and love.

I find it interesting that it took sooo long for me to even be able to write about it and yet, once I did, the fog has lifted and I feel like the Lord has given me a brand new, fresh perspective on motherhood, womanhood, and life.

The truth is, I would have mourned the final chapter of babies whether I had one child or 12.  There is always going to be a "last" in motherhood.  Last baby.  Last nursing.  Last diapers.  Bottle.  Car seats.  Lost tooth.  There is always an end.  To everything in life, actually.  And then something new begins.

I know my identity is not wrapped up in being a mother.   I am a child of God, and therefore, I am a reflection of Him.  He created me with great detail, with specific purpose and with a plan for my life.  My identity is IN HIM.  And only in Him.  Everything else is icing on the cake... wife, mother, daughter, sister, cousin, friend ... these positions in life are a privilege!  And a delight.

I think what surprised me the most is realizing that I am entering a phase of motherhood that I have never experienced.  I have been in "little land" so long and have dug my feet in and put down such strong roots, that I forgot to look over to the other side of the park and notice the different rides, attractions and excitement that awaits us.  Some things look menacing, others strange, but I do not have to go anywhere alone or unprepared because I walk beside a very big, very strong, very wonderful God who will guide me through each and every turn, hill, and valley as long as I seek Him and follow His lead.

My boys are moving into a new phase ~ teenagers ... young adults ... pre-men!  There is so much they need to know and grasp and take to heart.  The world hates them because they love God.  The world wants their minds and their souls and I will fight with every ounce of strength I have to keep them walking the path of righteousness.  God has given them to me solely to prepare them for eternity.  Nothing else matters.  I want to see my sons standing next to me in heaven.  Nothing else matters.

So, I have a lot of work to do!  The training thus far was to build a foundation.  Now we must teach them how to use that foundation and build on top of it so they can become the men God designed them to be.  Men of character.  Men of strength.  Men of compassion.  He desires for my boys to look like HIM.  Which means my job is to continually show them who this God is, what He requires and the joys and beauty of living a life that is pleasing to Him.

I know there will still be moments of sadness and a sigh here and there when I see a pregnant woman, or a young mom encircled by her little ones, but then my eyes will be drawn back to what the Lord has given me and He will remind me of the privilege and joy I have to train my boys in righteousness.  And it is then that I will once again dig in my heels and plant roots that will grow deep and strong as I walk through life as a mother of young men and a little woman.  I may have no idea what I am doing, or what life will look like, or how I will change in the process, but I have a God who is already grinning because HE knows and He knows I am going to LOVE it!

Carry me forward, Lord!  I am finally ready.

The most transparent one yet.

Last night my husband silently laid next to me as I wept tears that came from the depth of emotion in my heart.

I am no longer able to have children.

Ellie Ruth, my precious daughter, was my last child.  Never again will I be able to surprise my groom with the words, "We are having a baby!"  Never again will I lay on a table waiting to hear "Boy or Girl."  I will never be pregnant again.  Give birth again.  Receive baby gifts.  Be a new mom.  Nurse an infant.  I will never feel my baby kicking or hiccuping in my belly.  My feet will not swell.  We will never need to search the Scriptures for names, register, or schedule a newborn photo shoot.  It is over.  I have carried my last baby.  I have delivered my last child.

And I am in mourning.

I know this is not going to make sense to most people since I have six sons and a daughter ... why would I be sad?  I have a beautiful family.  I have a large family.  I have the exact family God wanted me to have.  So where is this sadness coming from ... why are there tears ... such depth of emotion?

I have closed a chapter in my life.  And while I was aware that the last page needed to be written, I was not ready.  I was not prepared for the reality of it and I have no idea what the rest of the book is about.

When I was still pregnant with Ellie, Dennis and I talked long and hard about our family.  He felt that we needed to be done because of the toll pregnancy takes on my body, the truth that I am getting older, the fact that my family loses me for a few months each time due to my sickness and recovery, and, truth be told, he was ready to start living the life we cannot live with a toddler and an infant constantly in tow.  I wrestled with this because of the path the Lord set us on through the experience with our son, Matthew.

How am I fully surrendered to the Lord if I choose to stop having children?  Am I being obedient to trust Him in all things?  How can we reconcile surrendering our family to the Lord six years ago and then take control of it now?  Are we hypocrites?  Are we trusting in ourselves rather than in the Lord?  I just could not justify telling the Lord that I refused to have children ... that I rejected His gift of life ... that I would not do what He created me to do.

And then, while reading a book on being a Biblical help meet, and listening to a sermon on childbearing, this same thought was repeated in both. "While Scripture commands women to be fruitful and multiply, and says "Blessed is the man whose quiver is full", it does not say how many arrows are in the quiver.  It is between the husband, the wife and the Lord and each couple needs to fervently seek the Lord's wisdom and calling on their family."  Hearing this loosened the grip I had on what I thought surrender meant.  I was not completely free, but I felt like I had gained some freedom.  And the bigger picture ... I am under the covering of my husband as the spiritual leader in my home.  If the Lord has convicted him that our family needs to stay as it is then I must submit to his authority.  Thankfully, I have a husband who cares about my heart and does not act on his own accord.  After many discussions and much prayer, I began to feel a peace.  I trusted my husband, and I trusted the Lord.  But there was still a small tugging in my heart that said, "Please, don't let this be the last."

And then we welcomed Ellie Ruth into our lives.  A sweet, unexpected, precious daughter.  A tiny creature that was going to change our world as only a little girl could.  And we fell in love.

The day after her birth and the emergency surgery that followed my doctor came in to see if I was okay.  She gently put her hand on my leg and asked, "Are you going to have any more babies?"  She looked at Dennis and he said, "I think we are done."  She looked directly into my eyes and said, "I am glad, because, Michelle, this was really bad.  I honestly do not think you can survive another delivery.  I believe this needs to be your last child."  She talked with us a bit more and left the room.  Dennis took my hand and asked if I was okay and I told him I just needed a few minutes.  And then I cried.

My choice was taken away from me.  It was no longer mine to make.  My husband said we were done.  The doctor confirmed that with the reality that I could leave my children without a mother if I tried to do this again.  I had no power.  I simply had to trust.

I spent days thinking about her words.  Isn't God bigger than an enlarged uterus?  Isn't He bigger than invasive surgery?  Is ANYthing too difficult for Him?  Who do I trust - the medical community or the maker of heaven and earth?  My God is a BIG God.  He is a powerful God.  He is a healing God.

And He is still God even when I do not get my way.

A couple of weeks later I was talking to a wonderful friend and sharing all of this with her ~ she listened as I poured out my heart and then she said something I will never forget.  "Michelle, I believe the Lord has given you a beautiful gift.  He knows that you struggle with guilt and grace and that you would probably question yourself until your dying day "Did I obey?  Did I fully surrender?"  So He has taken it completely out of your hands.  Your body cannot do this again.  It is that simple.  It is not up to you anymore.  You do not have to wonder if you did the right thing or if you are honoring the Lord.  He gave you a clear sign, a tangible sign.  A dry fleece.  And now you can rest in that."

I rolled this thought over and over in my mind and now I know that the Lord was speaking directly through my friend to get to my heart.  She was right.  I always would have wondered.  She gave me a gift that day ~ she gave me the freedom to find peace and relax in the Lord's love for me.

And then I was blindsided.

I was watching a show I enjoy and the wife surprised the husband by telling him, "I am pregnant!"  I was smiling and cheering with them and then WHAM.  I realized that I will never get to say that again.  The emotion hit me like a ton of bricks.  What is this?!?  I thought I was okay.  I thought my mind and heart were at peace?  Why am I so utterly sad?

The tears I shed last night were tears of mourning ... tears of release ... tears of surrender... tears of fear.

I am afraid I am going to disappear.

Who is Michelle Eastman without a baby on her hip and a toddler at her knee?  I have been pregnant for a decade.  I know how to be pregnant, how to give birth, how to help siblings adjust to a newborn, how to manage ministry with little people, how to connect with my husband without going on dates, how to discipline, how to put babies on a schedule.  People notice me because I have little ones swirling all around my feet.  Will anyone see me when they are all grown?  Will I have anything to offer? 

And then the Lord quieted my heart, stopped my tears and flooded my mind with images of Micah ... of Luke ... Caleb, Josiah, Isaiah and Ellie.  I may never be able to hold another newborn in my arms, but I have six people who need me.  Six people with a lifetime ahead of them and no life experience.  Six people who need to know God's Word and put on their armor every day.  Six people who are completely dependent on me ~ for daily life, education, spiritual training, prayer, encouragement, support, inspiration, truth ... and the Lord CHOSE ME for this.  He may have closed my womb sooner than I wished, but He had a unique purpose in giving me the children He did.  They need me ~ and I must be faithful to the answer the call.

I have no idea who Michelle Eastman is without infants and toddlers at her side.  But the Lord knows.  He knows why He gave us five sons and one daughter.  He knows why Ellie was last.  He knows how He is going to use our family for His kingdom and He knows who my children will become.  HE KNOWS.  And that needs to be enough for me.  I serve and love a BIG God.  A powerful God.  A miraculous God.

And I am the daughter of a God who knows me better than I know myself.

I know there will be more tears.  I know there will be more moments of desire.  But I also know that He who began a good work in me will faithfully complete that work ~ day by day ~ as I trust Him, obey Him, rest in Him, lay my cross at His feet and say, "All to Jesus I surrender.  I surrender all."