A moment of joy and gratefulness.

Today I had 3 hours worth of doctors appointments. An ultrasound, an OB appt and a genetics center consult.

The ultrasound and genetics center pieces are because I am considered high risk due to: my old age, (35 is considered ADVANCED maternal age now), the loss of Matthew, and my factor 5 blood disorder. All of these things together make doctors nervous so they want to monitor everything to the nth degree. While I appreciate the proactive approach, it makes for a lot of appointments!

I was looking forward to the ultrasound, as every mother does. And when you have lost a child, every chance to hear the heart and see the baby alive and active is an absolute moment of relief and joy and elation rolled into one.

Today, I saw my baby. As soon as the camera was on I saw the flickering white glow of the heart and my own heart smiled. He/she was rolling and waving and moving all about and it made me grin all the more. My baby is alive! Active. Growing. My baby.

It is too early to tell the gender, but because I am impatient and not willing to wait another 8 weeks for the next ultrasound, I took control and made an appointment at "Ultrasound Me" for Valentine's Day at 1:30 pm. Not only will we, hopefully, get to find out if it is a boy or girl, (don't hold your breath too long for a girl, people!!) but the ENTIRE family gets to see the baby! Hospitals and doctor's offices do not allow children in the ultrasound rooms, so this will be a first for our guys and a memory to last a lifetime. They will get to see their sibling still inside of me ... I can only imagine the comments that will roll off their tongues.

So, today, I am praising God for the gift of this child. I am praising Him for the gift of a baby who is alive and growing and, Lord willing, will be in our arms in a few short months. He has given me more than I ever deserve and because I am aware of my unworthiness, I am thankful all the more for His mercy and grace.

Do Over.

I wanted to have worship time as a family Saturday night because I knew I would not be making it to church on Sunday.

I turned off the lights, lit candles and called everyone in to the family room. Worship always works better this way because even active little boys become quiet and thoughtful when surrounded by flickering candle light ... the room is cozy and the atmosphere is pleasant and still.

Everyone was settled and then Dennis had to get up and put the baby to bed. I asked the boys to think of their worship song so when he got back we would be able to go around the circle and sing each other's song choices.

We are waiting, waiting and waiting. Finally Dennis comes out, but he pauses in the kitchen to make tea. Really? Now?

Eventually he makes it to the couch and we are ready to begin. I ask Caleb which song he would like to sing, he tells us and we sing together as a family.

Then I get to Luke ... "I haven't thought of one yet." What? You've had 17 minutes!

Micah, "I can't think of anything but fast songs that are loud." Um ...

Then Dennis pipes in and starts singing in a spastic way "I've got peace like a river, I've got peace like a river ..." The boys yell at him, "Dad, no! That is not a worship song! This is worship time!"

So they start arguing because Dennis says, "Well, you guys have nothin' so I'm going to choose a song and I can choose whatever I want to."

Notice there have been no comments from mom at this point. Why? Because mom is quietly beginning to seethe in her corner of the couch. This is not going as planned!

Dennis is getting more annoyed, I am now totally disappointed and the boys are trying to make Dennis calm down and do it "right" so I will be happy.

Here we are to worship, Here we are to bow down ...

Yah, RIGHT!

Dennis gets up, goes to the computer and starts printing out worship songs so the boys have the words and we can know what to sing. I am now totally irritated because our spirit of worship has been infiltrated with technology and the world. Aah!

The boys are not singing. Dennis is singing off key. I am not singing, maybe humming at best, and only out of guilt.

The night is a bust.

We pray to end our time together on some semblance of a positive note and the boys go to bed.

Wow. How in the world did everything go so wrong? The boys and I have done this countless times, it is always special, it is always memorable. It must be Dennis, then. He is the problem. But is he really? Or was I too wrapped up in doing it MY WAY that I did not allow him to worship HIS way?

I had to spend a little while thinking about my disappointment, identifying why I was disappointed, and asking the Lord to forgive my ugliness.

And then I had to find a positive. The one good thing that came out of the night ~ a new worship song book! When everyone was at church the next morning, I went online and found every one of the best worship songs and all of the top classic hymns. Now we can instantly access the songs we like, everyone can see the words, the boys will learn a ton of new worship songs and the time will go much more smoothly.

So, I am calling a Do Over this weekend. I will turn off the lights, light the candles and gather everyone together to spend time in focused worship on the Lord and His goodness towards us. The boys will snuggle together with us on the couch and we will enjoy a special, sweet and wonderful time of fellowship together as a family.

At least, that is how I see the Do Over in my mind. We'll see how close we get! :o)

I challenge you - make a time of worship for you and your family this week - even if it is you and your husband, you and a sibling, you and your parents ... plan a special time to go before the Lord together - sing, read Scripture, pray together. It is an amazing, amazing time that you will never forget.

I fall in love this Psalm more every year.

PSALM 139

O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thoughts from afar.

You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.

You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit;
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You,
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them,
they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.

O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
For they speak against You wickedly;
And Your enemies take Your name in vain.
Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

Unexpected affirmation.

I just finished another book today - a biography.

A biography of a woman, born with a defective heart, who had a choice to make ... will I live for ME or will I live for the LORD?

We all know we will die "someday" but seldom do we live as if this is true.

Others have the rare blessing of knowing death is coming and they get to choose how they will approach it. With bitterness and self-pity or with fervor and passion, making the most of every opportunity for the kingdom of God.

This woman's story will make you think. It will bring tears. It will challenge your level of faith in allowing God to be God even when He does not answer prayer the way you wanted Him to.

God is unchanging. He is perfect. Holy. Just. Loving. And merciful.

Even in the dark moments.

Even when we ask "why?"

Even when we cannot possibly understand what He is doing.

He is God.

People laugh at me and say that death is one of my favorite topics. I have always scoffed at that, but you know? The older I get and the more I come to understand my God, I do love the topic of death. Because no matter the story, no matter the "how", no matter the long or short goodbye - the Lord is ALWAYS glorified in the life of a believer. Death of a saint ALWAYS turns our hearts to Scripture. To God's promises. Either because we do not understand Him, because we are desperately searching for answers, questioning our faith, or simply trying to find the comfort that only He can give ... death ALWAYS leads us back to the cross. Back to the Savior. Back to the baby who was sent through a virgin bride. Back to the garden. Back to Creation.

Death is real. It cannot be stopped. It cannot be predicted. But it can be embraced by those who are trusting in the One who holds each of us in the palm of His loving hand. There is no fear of death for those who trust in Him. There is fear of letting go, leaving loved ones behind, fear of no control. But there is no fear of seeing the face of God and living forever in His glorious presence ... there is only sweet peace as we quietly slip into the arms of the Father who lovingly created us in His time, and who lovingly calls us home in His perfect time.

Thank you, Lord, for Jeri's story. Thank you for this unexpected affirmation of why it takes death to draw us back to You in an all consuming and tangible way. This life story affected me deeply, as others have in the past, and I will not forget. Thank you for using this woman's life to touch the lives of so many others. May I always seek to honor You in my own life by loving others BECAUSE I love you. I know I will fail. I know I will forget. But You will always bring me back and remind me that You are God and I am not. I will not always understand, but I will trust. And I will lift my hands and cry out "Blessed be the name of the Lord!"

Why does it always take death?

I just finished a novel about 10-year-old best friends, Ben and Jonathan. They were both pastor's kids who became fast friends during the summer of 1958. It was an interesting story about how these two connected in an intense way, thought completely opposite personalities. Jonathan had an easy faith in God and did not question the why's - he just believed. Ben, however, questioned everything and needed proof. He would not even sing "Jesus Loves Me" because he did not believe it. "The Bible does not say, Jesus loves Ben. It just says He loved the world. It's not the same." They discussed this deep theological issue in their 10-year-old way but Jonathan could never answer Ben's questions. Except one. Ben asked, "If we all have a God-shaped vacuum, what shape do you think it is?" "I think it is a heart." answers Jonathan. "I think you are right."

After a bicycle accident, Jonathan learns of Ben's illness - a hole in his heart. The accident caused an infection that attacked the hole and made him rapidly decline. The last scene of the two best friends together is when Jonathan climbs in the hospital bed with Ben in the middle of the night just because he had to be near him. As close as he possibly could. Ben wakes up and asks Jonathan what he is doing and the scene closes with Ben's monitor beeping, Jonathan screaming Ben's name and nurses throwing Jonathan out of the bed.

Later, when Jonathan is alone he feels a rolled up piece of paper in his hand. Ben had slipped it to him while he was in his bed. He opens it and reads,
"Saturday, January 17, 1959
There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of Ben.
There is a Ben-shaped vacuum in the heart of God."

Ben had finally found his answer. God wanted Ben as much as Ben needed God. He had surrendered his heart. He had believed. And he died with a feeling of total peace and acceptance that he had never felt before.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The memorial service was moving ... Ben's father spoke and shared truths about their relationship and committed to changing some specific things that Ben had always asked him to do.

And it made me think.

Why does it always take death (or a major tragedy) for us to open our eyes to truth? To make us see priorities? To realize that we are pursuing the wrong things - earthly things - when we are supposed to be 100% committed to and sold out for the Lord?

And we tend to make grandiose and unattainable promises after a death ...

"I will never leave a loved one without telling them how much I love and appreciate them!"

"I will never go to bed angry. I will resolve any disagreement with people I love."

"I am never going to take life for granted again!"

"I am going to start reading my Bible and praying - my priorities are not what they should be and I need to make things right."

"I am going to appreciate each moment I have with my children. I am not going to lose my temper or overreact. I am lucky to have them and I never want to have regrets."

"I am going to live each day as if it were my last!"

And then we find ourselves sitting at another funeral, seeing another cataclysmic natural disaster on television and suddenly we are making the same promises ... feeling the same convictions.

I know this may sound strange, but why can't we live each day as though death just happened? Why can't we live each day remembering the truth and promise of Scripture which says, "Be alert, for you do not know the day nor the hour the Son of man will come." "Our days were written in the book of life before there was yet one." "If you love Me, you will obey My commands." "But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin."

Sometimes we have the blessing of being able to say goodbye to those we love. The Lord grants us the gift of time so we can say all of the things we want to say. So healing can take place. Hearts can be softened. Forgiveness can be granted.

But often we do not get the chance. A car accident, a heart attack and they are gone. A gigantic hole is left and we cannot go back. It is over and there is no opportunity for closure. For healing. For apologies. Just an emptiness is left that can only be filled with time and God's grace.

We are not God. We do not know our last day, our child's last day or when the moment will come that will change one of our lives forever. We KNOW this intellectually. We KNOW the truth, and we know the reality.

And then we fight and don't speak to each other for 2 days. We harbor bitterness in our hearts towards another. We don't say I love you because we were preoccupied. We condone a friend's sin because we want them to "feel accepted". Why? Because we are human. We are sinners. Our first thought is always of "self" and it takes the Holy Spirit and dying to self to think of others and put self last.

So, why does it always take death? Just as death was the original consequence in the garden, I believe the Lord uses it as a continual reminder that our life is not our own. We are not in control. We cannot extend our days and we cannot save another. Without the reminder that we are human, fallible, and selfish, we do not see the need for a Savior. We do not see the need for repentance. Forgiveness. Continual surrender and dying to self. Without death and tragedy and loss, we skip through life thinking everything is grand because WE are happy - we have created our own success - we are godly - we are good.

And then someone dies, someone we love, and we smack into a brick wall and everything slows down. We are forced to look at the truth of who we are, what we are doing, who we are serving and where our hearts lie. We like to believe all of these things are in order all the time, but the truth is they always need adjusting. We always need a reminder that He is God and we are not. Sin is sin and cannot be called anything else but sin. We want our own way and it takes a purposeful effort to push self aside and serve others.

I wish it did not take death. I wish we could experience death of a believer with joy for their presence with the Father and continue living just as we are. But we never can, can we? How many promises have you made after attending a funeral? How many times have you had to take a look inside and see things you did not care for?

It is a cleansing. A reviving. We were given another day, but we may not get tomorrow. So what can we change? How shall we then live?

"Let me live
that I may praise You!"
Psalm 119:175

Forgotten praise.

There are 2 people whom I have not thanked. Two people who probably do more than anyone else when you add up all the "little things". Two people who are learning what it means to serve one another, even when unpleasant, and doing so because it honors the Lord.

Our sons, Micah and Luke.

Yes, they do their daily chores and contribute to the house and family because it is the right thing to do. But since I have been with child and almost on bed rest, they have stepped up their game and gone above and beyond the call of duty.

Every day, especially in the mornings, you will find these two boys ...

~ making bottles
~ changing diapers for Isaiah and Josiah
~ making breakfast for all the brothers
~ making me tea and toast
~ holding Isaiah when he is fussy
~ doing independent schoolwork and chores without being asked
~ asking me how I am feeling and if they can get me anything
~ wiping runny noses for little brothers
~ getting little brothers dressed (in outfits that actually match!)
~ answering the phone if needed

and countless other little things they are asked to do all day long.

Micah is 9 and Luke is 8.

Most 8 and 9 year old boys want to run around and be silly, play with Lego's, go outside, wrestle and everything else that comes with being a BOY. And so do mine!

But in between their boyhood moments of fun and frivolity, they are ministering to me and to our family. Occasionally I will get an eye roll, but mostly I get a "Sure, Mom" and a cheerful whistle or sweet smile as they set to their task at hand.

I am so proud of them. I know their character is being strengthened through this and hopefully the memory will last in their minds so they can be as helpful and compassionate to their wives one day!

I am planning a special Mom/Son outing when I am able to actually leave the house to let them know how grateful I am for their kindness and service towards me. But I wanted to praise them publicly because they deserve it! "Let another praise you, and not your own lips." Prov 27:2

Thank you, Micah and Luke, for loving me with action and sacrifice. I could not make it through each day without you! You are amazing boys and I pray the Lord will continue to make you into amazing young men who will one day have families of your own to serve and care for - how blessed they will be! You encourage my heart and you make me proud, Mom

Questions and answers.

Everyone has asked for years.

How many?

Don't you feel done?

How do you do it?

You must be a saint.

Are all of these children yours?


And then are the less than polite comments/questions:


Don't you have another hobby you could do?

You know how to prevent this, right?

Why would you have more, you cannot afford the ones you have.


And then there are the sweet, thoughtful, supportive people who say:


Wow, what a privilege to have so many sons!

We are so excited for you! If we could go back, we would have had as many as the Lord gave us.

We cannot wait to celebrate this new child!

God has blessed you ~ enjoy every moment.


Our answer, regardless of the curious, rude or kind question:


We surrendered our family to the Lord and He has been more than faithful and gracious and we are forever grateful for the treasures He has given us.

And we say that once again, as the Lord has created baby Eastman #7 who will join our family in August!

Yep, you read that right! We are having a BABY!!!!

And we are filled with joy.

Confession.

I love the Word of God.

I love Scripture.

I love holding the Bible.

I love reading the Bible.

I love memorizing Scripture.

I love repeating Scripture at the appropriate time for someone who needs to hear it.

I love finding answers to everything in life in the pages of the Bible. Because the answer is ALWAYS there.

I love God's Word. I live to know it. I crave more. I simply cannot get enough.

And yet.

I have not been digging and searching the Scriptures lately. I think about Scripture all day long. I have memorized so much that I can pull it out when I need it or at least know where to find it. I read every morning with the boys. But I have been relying on what is ALREADY in there, rather than finding what God has to show me NOW. Today. Exactly where I am.

The question is WHY?

I can claim busyness, I have not been feeling well, the holidays, life ... but would I be willing to utter those same lame excuses to the face of the Father when He holds me to account for being obedient to His commands to be constant in prayer and meditate on His Word day and night? Honestly? No. I would be embarrassed and ashamed.

The Lord knows my life. He knows my time structure. He knows my heart. I know I do not need to read the Bible 4 hours a day and pray every 2 hours in order to honor and please Him.

But I also know this. I let things that do not matter take precedence over things that do. Every day my priorities should look like this:

The Lord
Dennis
My children
Family
Ministry
Others
Myself

And sadly, it is not always so.

I love the quote from Charles Swindoll, "The problem with the Christian life is that it's so DAILY."

I have to make a DAILY choice to keep my priorities in check. Life happens. And not always when you expect or want it to. I cannot be prepared for what comes if I have not given my first fruits to the Lord ... my first waking thoughts ... my first words of praise ... my first words of thanksgiving ... my first request for wisdom.

So, here I am, confessing my sin of laziness. My sin of messed up priorities. My sin of disobedience.

And here I am, humbly asking you to pray for me ~ to pray WITH me ~ that the Lord will renew in me a P A S S I O N for His Word. A passion that cannot be quenched. A passion that consumes my every thought, so much so, that I will not be able to rest my head until I have opened that delightful Book, that life-giving, refreshing, infallible, truthful, God-inspired Book and devoured the words the Lord has for me that day.

"I have hidden Your word in my heart, that I might not sin against Thee." Psalm 119