"loneliness" responses.

Hello all!

I thought it would be fitting to add a "PS" about the loneliness blog I posted last week. I have had numerous personal e-mails regarding this post and I have found it interesting to see how differently people read/responded to/understood what I wrote. I knew I was taking a risk showing that level of transparency and it was good for me. The things people said caused me to think and assess and see if my thoughts and attitudes were appropriate and authentic.

Like all things in life, perception is reality. We see and hear and feel things based on our own personal experiences and do not always see things from an objective perspective. Sometimes this can be a very good thing and other times it can cause confusion.

Some heard exactly what I was saying ... that the Lord knows my weakness to pour myself into people (who I can see, touch, enjoy, respond to) and neglect Him. HE is the one I was created to pursue and yet I can get so easily distracted by tangible relationships with people because it is real, has immediate results and that "feel good" feeling.

The loneliness I have always experienced has nothing at all to do with people. Even in the moments when I do not feel pursued or wonder if I matter, I am still completely secure in the relationships that I have. I have never doubted the love or loyalty of a friend. I have missed them, been rejected, felt distant at times, but at the end of the day I feel confident that those who express their affection for me sincerely mean it. And I appreciate the truth of that..

The loneliness I experience is directly related to where I am in my walk with the Lord. When I am in the Word, worshipping with other believers, serving my family, praising God for His goodness, exercising my spiritual gifts and surrendering self to honor Him, I experience utter joy and contentment.

And when I am doing my own thing, serving myself, focused on self or neglecting time with the Lord there is an immediate vacuum in my heart that affects every area of my life - and it presents as loneliness. I know in my heart, in the depths of my soul, that it is the LORD, and Him alone, who can satisfy my every need. My every want. He is the only one who can meet me where I am and pull me back into an active and living relationship with Him ... a relationship that is completely satisfying and keeps my mind and my heart focused on Him and not on my circumstances.

I do not wander through life with tears in my eyes or "woe me" on my lips. I have a great life. I have a superb husband and fabulous sons. I am surrounded by family and friends who support me, encourage me, challenge me and pray for me. It is only in the dark moments, when I waffle between looking up or looking around, that satan tries to get a grip on my heart and flood it with a feeling of being utterly alone.

And it is in those moments the Lord pulls me up, shoos satan away, tips my chin up so I am looking at His face and says, "I am all you need, Michelle. I will always be enough. Trust in me. Follow me. And enjoy the countless blessings and plans I have for your life."

And I will willingly go there again and again because every time I do He draws me even closer to Himself, the dark moments get shorter and my perspective becomes more clear. I am who He made me to be. He knows the longings of my heart and He also knows what I NEED. I do not. And I have to trust. I will always trust.

No matter what.

Book #5

There are several books about books and this is one of the best for children! It breaks them down by age and then by topic. Classics, current ... but no twaddle! Dust off your library card, borrow 10 at a time and then purchase the ones you just cannot live without! I guarantee you will find a book you never knew about and fall in love with it - we certainly did!

loneliness.

Tonight my husband thanked me for sticking by him through all of the years of coaching, night classes, degrees, second jobs and third jobs. All of the nights I sat home alone while he was pursuing his dreams and meeting expectations of employers and head coaches. All of the weekends I stayed home alone because he was gone and I had no one to hang out with. All of the nights I did my own thing because he was too busy to talk to me. He knows I could have left. He knows many marriages that did not survive. And here I am, 16 years later, still his bride. Still his friend. And he is grateful.

He asked me how I did it. "I have been lonely my entire life." He was stunned by my answer. "Are you lonely now?" "Yes." "Well, is it an internal loneliness? You have five sons with you all the time. You know a zillion people. How can you be lonely?"

I lay there thinking and praying before I could answer because I was sad to admit it and embarrassed to say it out loud.

I have been lonely since I was a child. Divorced parents. A dad who was not there. A mom who worked full time. I was always alone. And no one pursued me.

And now, at 37, I still struggle with many of those same feelings.

I enjoy people and love investing in relationships and walking with them through life, as a friend, a cheerleader, a counselor, a confidant ... I love to encourage. I love to challenge. I want to make a difference.

But I am still rarely pursued. I joke that I am an "out of sight out of mind" person because when people are with me they enjoy me, we have fun, engage in deep conversation, laugh and encourage one another. But once we say goodbye my phone never rings. There are no knocks on my door. I am not receiving invitations to meet for tea or shop for a new outfit or have dinner together as families.

I am the pursuer. I always have been. I have accepted that role and take it very seriously because I want to pour into others and be used by the Lord to meet them where they are and push them closer to Him. But in this moment of transparency, and complete vulnerability, I will admit that sometimes being the pursuer is a very lonely place. Wondering if I just stopped e-mailing and calling people would I have any social events on my calendar? How long would it take for people to notice I had not been around for a while? Do I actually make a difference and effect lives or do I just assume so because I am forcing myself on people when they would not be seeking me out on their own?

It has only been recently that I have used the word "lonely" when describing the cry of my heart. I never thought I was a lonely person because I always purposely surrounded myself with people. I vigorously sought friendships and gave everything I had, sometimes too much, to be the friend they needed. I mistook loneliness for boredom and just assumed I had a dull life.

But the Lord has been working on my heart and in the last few days Dennis and I have been having different conversations that have really driven this emotion out of me. I can be in a house full of my children and husband and still feel utterly alone. They HAVE to be with me. They do not "choose" me. I can be at church enjoying countless smiles and hellos and quick conversations and still feel like no one knows me.

And I am 100% embarrassed to admit that. It seems so selfish. So whiny. And so "poor me." I do not want to be Eor in the Thousand Acre Wood. I want to be Tigger, hopping about and driving everyone crazy with his boundless energy and enthusiasm for life.

I know I am loved. I know I have friends. I know people appreciate me and respect me and enjoy me. I know because they tell me so ~ and I believe them.

A discipleship group I am in (you are a bright spot in my days, girls!) was recently discussing the Love Languages and how we should each know ours and share them so, as friends, we can be aware of and meet each other's needs. When I took the test years ago I was an Acts of Service person. I feel loved when people SHOW their love. But now, as I am walking through this emotional purging with the Lord, I am seeing that I actually do need TIME. I have never had anyone's time when it mattered. So I got used to being alone. I had to find a way to cope or I would have gone insane or been crying every night and there is no logic in living like that.

I have prayed countless times for the Lord to send me a friend. Just one. There were years of my life when I literally had no one near me to share life with and I was in the depths of despair.

And that is when the Lord began teaching me a very important lesson. One that I have been thinking about all night since my groom asked me "are you lonely now?" Every time I prayed, cried, and begged the Lord for a friend He would say "No." It was devastating. It seemed like such a pure request. Why wouldn't He honor it?

"Michelle, until I AM ENOUGH, until you seek ME first, until you realize that all of your needs are sufficiently met IN ME ... I will not give you what you want. You will replace me. You will neglect me. You will be tempted to pour everything you have into that friend rather than pursuing Me. I am all you need. And I want you. Just as you are. All of you, and you will never be lonely again."

He has brought me back to this place of loneliness, I believe, over and over because I have not learned the lesson. I pursue Him and am satisfied with Him until that magic friend comes along and then I turn to her. I call her first when I am in need. I seek her out when I am wrestling with an issue. She gets my best and the Lord gets my leftovers. When am I going to learn??

So here I am. Broken. Ashamed. Repentant. I want to surrender my entire life and emotion and heart to an all-sufficient Lord. I want to wake up every morning with His name on my lips and His words in my heart. I want to be a model of Christ-likeness for my sons. I want to be a help meet to my husband. And I never, ever want to be lonely again.

Lord, You know the cry of my heart. You know how I have struggled with this emotion and feeling of neglect for a lifetime. And You know how to heal the hurts, the loneliness, the sin and give me a renewed vision and purpose for my days. A vision that is so real and so intense that I have no time to dwell on what I am missing or mourning because all that I am is focused on praising YOU for who You are and what You have done and will continue to do in my life. Forgive my weakness and my pride. Forgive my loss of focus. I want to be wholly Yours and lay my head on the pillow each night with a heart that is light and full of praise and a mind that knows a deep, rich contentment because I love a God who actively and willing pursues me each and every day. Because You made me. Because You love me. Because you desire me. Thank You, Lord. For everything You are and everything You made me to be. Thank You.

Book #4

A must have for all mom's! And anyone else looking for unique, appropriate, creative things to do in southern California.

Official soldiers.

The Lord has been doing a work in the heart of my dear groom and I as it pertains to the purposeful raising of our sons. He has blessed us with six and we feel a tremendous responsibility to honor Him with this privilege. Several months ago He began a process in each of our hearts, we came together and shared our thoughts and tonight, in one accord, we committed before the Lord and before our sons to raise them to be Soldiers of Christ. Their days have purpose. Their lives have a Divine calling. And we surrender them to The Father as we trust Him to do a work in each of their hearts so they may live to serve Him.

Pray for us as we walk this path that we may be found faithful and leave a legacy that will remind our sons of who God is, how He worked in our lives and how much we desired to see them live a life "worthy of the upward call of Christ Jesus."

How blessed we are.


We started our special evening with a nice dinner, chosen by the boys.

Dennis charged each boy with this thought: You cannot remove the sword from its sheath until you are prepared to carry the responsibility that comes with it. We named you with purpose, to give you something to live up to. Are you willing to be a soldier for Christ? A warrior for the Lord? Will you fight the enemy, defend the faith, protect the helpless and stand firm in the Lord?

After each boy said he accepted the charge he was able to remove the sword from the sheath. The look of pride on their faces could not be captured on film.

The boys were in awe of the sword. We pray this is a picture of things to come ... our sons standing side by side as they fight for what is right. For what is good. For what is of the Lord.

Dennis selected this gorgeous journal. We named it "The Battlefield Journal" and it will be filled with Scriptures, quotes and stories about bravery, battle, defending the weak, protecting the innocent, fighting the enemy and standing firm in the Lord. We want to leave a legacy for our sons so that when we are gone, our hearts will still be heard as they read of our passion for them and for the Lord.

Micah and Luke read the letters to our sons ... I must admit, this part was quite emotional for me.

We ended the night watching this movie together as a family. The boys loved it!

May the Lord prepare these boys to be come MEN who will serve Him all the days of their lives!

"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.

He trains my hand for battle, my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

You give me Your shield of victory; You stoop down to make me great."

II Samuel 22:33, 35, 36

Accountability.

Dennis and I have been thinking of a creative way to assess our children and what their needs are on a regular basis. Where they are succeeding so we can offer praise and where they are struggling so we can provide training and correction.

And then it came to me.

I called a Family Council (D was at work). We talked about struggles that everyone deals with ~ either on a consistent basis because it is our sin issue or because of stresses that come in life that cause us to respond in inappropriate ways. We went around the room and shared what we are struggling with at the moment. I was not sure if they really got the concept so I was curious how this part would play out. I went first and shared that I struggle with patience. I apologized for my lack of it, my quick temper and my yelling, and asked them to forgive me.

I was amazed when each boy began to confess multiple issues they felt burdened with. They were sincere. And they were repentant.

We talked about the need to hold one another accountable to do the right thing. How we can encourage one another to do their best to turn away from sin and make wise choices. And most importantly, how we honor the Lord when we honor and respect each other and show unconditional love.

I had written each of our names on a piece of paper and then added each person's personal struggles as they shared them with us. (we called D at work to ask his) We then looked up verses that spoke about each issue and the boys wrote them out in their journals so they can read them every morning when they wake up and every night before they go to sleep.

Nothing can convict, change or challenge us like the Word of God. And there is no greater accountability than the Holy Spirit when He pricks our hearts at the moment of temptation and says, "No, not that way, THIS way."

We posted the sheet on the fridge so we can see it all day and be reminded of the commitments we made and serve one another through praying and encouraging each other in the difficult moments and praising one another in our moments of triumph.

Each night at dinner we give an update on how we are doing, read our verses out loud and encourage each other that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it.

We are excited about this new tool and are going to meet together every Sunday to prepare for the week ahead. Letting our boys share in the process and do their own self evaluation is going to be a huge step in teaching them that their faith and their choices are their own and they are completely responsible for the results. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Praise The Lord for such a promise!!

* the verses I chose for my impatience cut right to the core. I thought I would share them in case anyone else struggles with this! (please tell me I am not the only one!) "A foolish man shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult." Proverbs 12:16, "A quick-tempered man does foolish things, and a crafty man is hated." Proverbs 14:17, "A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel." Proverbs 15:18. And of course, "Love is PATIENT." I Corinthians 13:4

One of those moments.

The three oldest boys and I attended a birthday party for one of their friends yesterday. As usual, all the moms were lined up against the wall chit-chatting while the kids ran themselves ragged.

I was making the rounds and sat down to talk to one of our children's directors at church. We covered various topics and then she said, "I have to tell you something that happened with one of your boys at Water Wars yesterday."

My heart instantly stopped. I sat up straighter and was trying to prepare myself for what was to come.

I liken it to the feeling you get when you see a cop car in your rear view mirror as you are going 45 in a 25 mile per hour zone. You know what I mean. Heart palpitations, rapid breathing, fear, panic, and you fling your foot of the gas pedal hoping the car will slow down 20 miles in a tenth of a second.

She then shared a story about Ralph (the actual name has been changed to protect the child) and while it was not horrible or evil I sat there thinking of a thousand ways I could excuse his behavior, make him seem not so sinful and keep him in her good favor.

And then I stopped.

Why do I need to make him seem better than he is? I have never once in my motherhood tried to make my children appear perfect. I have never excused their behavior. Children are sinners just like we are. They are selfish and immature and do not know how to express anger or frustration in rational and acceptable ways. They want what they want when they want it and when they do not get it, they throw a fit. Or a toy. Or scream. Or hit. It is not okay. It is sinful and selfish and it must be corrected.

When it happens in my home I respond with discipline and consequences and move on. But when my children show their sin in public, well, now it is about ME, right? I am embarrassed. "What are people thinking about me right now?" "I look like an inept parent." My pride kicks in. Then my anger. Then my defenses.

All of them irrational. All of them inappropriate. All of them focused on self rather than the Savior.

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly our self-righteousness and excuses kick in when our children are questioned. Behavior, attitudes, skill level, intelligence, habits. We know their weaknesses - we see them every day and we acknowledge them and try to correct them - but when someone ELSE points them out we turn into the Godfather and are looking for a horse head to hide between their bed sheets.

Why?

Could we agree that at times we do NOT see our children clearly? Based on whatever the issue may be, we sometimes have blinders on and it takes someone on the outside to lovingly come to us and share their insight and expose something we may have been blind to before.

Naturally, I want people to see my children as courteous and kind, helpful, respectful, gentle, appreciative and so on. I want them to see the beauty that I see. The tender hearts. The moments of sheer sincerity and devotion to God. But I also want them to know that they have real struggles because they are sinners, and they need prayer and accountability and encouragement just as adults do. I WANT my children to be surrounded by other godly men and women who care about their holiness, who will be pushing them towards Christ and challenging them to do the best they can all to the glory of God.

Even though I had a few moments of panic and embarrassment as she began her saga of Ralph, I am so thankful because the Lord used it to refocus my parenting and look at each of my children to assess where they are struggling and how I can prayerfully help, train and encourage them to grow in those areas.

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another"

Right now Dennis and I are the main slab of iron for our boys to rub against and we need to be constantly aware of how much time they need on the rock.

Shifting our thinking.

Have you ever noticed how easy it is for us to focus on our weaknesses? How we can quickly list the things we need to work on or improve?

Yet when someone compliments or praises us we try and belittle it and act like we are no big deal. We feel embarrassed or self conscious about agreeing with them.

I struggle with this. I always have. I used to lay in bed at night and go through my day listing all of the things I did wrong. "I yelled at the boys, I did not have a nice meal ready for Dennis, I did not clean enough of the house, I forgot to call my friend" ... and then I would fall asleep. Which means I would wake up with a heavy heart and begin a new day remembering all of my failings from the day before.

This is not the life Christ intended when He said He came to "give us life abundantly".

I felt guilty and ashamed that I was so focused on the negative parts of myself when I had a Father in heaven who created me and found great pleasure in doing so. He made me in HIS image and here I was picking myself apart piece by piece.

Several years ago I shared my struggle with a close friend and after listening to my saga she challenged me with this question. "Michelle, have you ever thought that the simple, mundane things you do every day please the Lord?" "Umm .... what do you mean?" "Well, I think if I walked through a day with you I would find countless ways that you honor the Lord just by taking care of your family. Making breakfast, reading books, teaching them Bible verses, being kind to Dennis." "Yes, but I am SUPPOSED to do those things! I am just being obedient."

And then she said something that stunned me.

"Michelle, obedience pleases God! Obedience honors God! He has given us clear commands in Scripture but everyone does not obey them. Doing the right thing is pleasing to Him."

I had never thought of it that way before. Simply put, I thought since I was SUPPOSED to do xyz, why should I be praised for doing the right thing? It's like someone thanking you for not running them over with your car.

I was still processing this new thought when she gave me a challenge. Instead of laying in bed each night walking through all of my failings for the day, she asked me to spend the next week writing down every single thing I did well. Everything I did that served my family. Everything I did that honored the Lord. Everything that was GOOD.

Wow, was it a shift in thinking for me! I felt arrogant and self conscious and I am embarrassed to admit that it was difficult for me to find the good in me that God created. I had to think a lot harder and break through the "supposed to" thoughts and turn them into "you changed 14 diapers today without one complaint" thoughts. It was a challenge, but I did it.

And it changed my life.

There are times I still fall back into the old way of thinking but they are less and less. The Lord has been gracious and allowed me to keep my thoughts focused on the fun, sweet, happy moments in my days as a wife and mother and has allowed me to be quick to repent after ugly moments and move on rather than swimming in the slough of despair.

I will never forget this life lesson and am continually reminding myself of this verse:

"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them,they would outnumber the grains of sand."

Psalm 139:17

How I love being a daughter of a God who loves me so much His thoughts for me cannot be counted. I pray I will honor Him as I learn to see His image in me and become more and more satisfied with what I see.

Book #3

This was an unexpected TREASURE. I have read it twice and every time I am inspired, convicted and challenged. I do not want to give any details so you can get the full impact of the book when you read. You will not be disappointed!

Obedience.

We are teaching the boys about Scriptural obedience ~ they are called to obey our authority because we are under God's authority to train them in the ways of righteousness and wisdom. We answer to God just as they answer to us and, as parents, we are measured against a high standard as we raise them according to His Word.

This is not about legalism. The root of obedience is LOVE. "If you love Me, you will obey what I command.” John 14:15

If we claim to love God then we are willing, and choose, to obey.

“We know that we have come to know him if we obey His commands. The man who says, "I know Him," but does not do what He commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys His word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in Him: Whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did.” I John 2:3-6

I found over 50 verses in my own personal word study on this topic. Look at these from Psalm 119 alone!

Psalm 119:2 Blessed are they who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart.

Psalm 119:10 I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.

Psalm 119:15,16 I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways. I delight in your decrees; I will not neglect your word.

Psalm 119:30 I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws.

Psalm 119:44 I will always obey your law, forever and ever.

Psalm 119:51 The arrogant mock me without restraint, but I do not turn from your law.

Psalm 119:60 I will hasten and not delay to obey your commands.

Psalm 119:72 The law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold.

Psalm 119:77 Let your compassion come to me that I may live, for your law is my delight.

Psalm 119:97 Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long.

Psalm 119:101 I have kept my feet from every evil path so that I might obey your word.

Psalm 119:129 Your statutes are wonderful; therefore I obey them.

Psalm 119:166 I wait for your salvation, O LORD, and I follow your commands.

We are going to memorize these verses with the boys because us telling them to obey God is NOT the same as showing them God’s Word itself and allowing the Holy Spirit to convict them. Parents talk too much. We need to be quiet and let the Lord speak to them exactly the way they need to hear it. Only the Lord knows the hearts of our children.

It is only through Him that we are able to see ourselves as we are ~ sinful and separated from a holy God. It is through His kindness that we are brought to repentance and fall on our knees before Him to be washed clean and made whole.

As a mother, I find no greater encouragement or strength than in the pages of Scripture. Dennis and I will never be able to convict the hearts of our sons to obey God's Word and follow, medtate on and delight in His commands. Though it is our heart's desire, only the Holy Spirit can make it come to fruition.

And there is no greater motivation than this ...

“Behold, I am coming soon! Blessed is he who keeps the words of the prophecy in this book.” Revelation 22:7

Amen and AMEN!

a reminder

I was in the ladies restroom at church on Sunday when one of my sweet older lady friends looked at me while washing her hands and said, "I would love to be a little mouse in your house!" "Why?" was my shocked response. "Because you are intriguing and I would love to see how you do it." I laughed out loud and looked around at the other women now involved in this brief exchange and said, "Seriously, while you would find it entertaining, you would also see my sin and it is not a pretty sight!" They all rolled their eyes with the "Oh, Michelle" attitude and skipped merrily into the sanctuary.

And, of course, it made me think.

What am I doing to project an image that my life and my home and my children are something out of the Mary Poppins movie?

Why do people assume all is well and perfect and fabulous when I am nothing extraordinary?

Am I being completely honest and vulnerable and real about my struggles as a woman, a wife and a mother?

I THINK I am transparent. I admit my faults, I can make fun of myself, I confess sin in private and in public and I am quick to discuss the realities of life as a home educating mother of 5 boys.

I WANT to be transparent.

And yes, I do want to be a source of encouragement and support to other women, especially young moms, as they see me live a life of obedience and faithfulness to Christ. I want them to feel strength to endure as I share with them how the Lord has brought me through difficult times. I want them to be encouraged that "this too shall pass" when I share my own experiences and remind them that everything has a season and it does not last forever. I want to rejoice with them when they give up self to put their husband and children first and not their own pursuits. I want to share their enthusiasm when the Lord works in their home and brings peace and order where there was once chaos and disobedience. In its simplest form, I want to walk alongside these women as their cheerleader, their friend, their encourager, and continually show them what God's Word has to say in their moments of struggle.

And I want to do all these things while revealing the truth of my life, my weaknesses, and my struggles.

So, please, come be a mouse in my house! You will hear a lot of laughter, listen to hundreds of books being read, witness sweet moments, and hear thoughtful prayers. *Warning!* You will also see me yell, lose my patience, be lazy, exhibit a less than godly attitude and eat mint chip ice cream when I should be on the treadmill.

If you can handle it, you are welcome anytime!

** 3 hours after I wrote this: I was putting away a CAR LOAD of food from Costco (the boys unload and I sort) and I hear two of my people doing the oh, so lovely "Yes you did" "No I didn't" "Yes you did" "No I didn't" childhood argument and I screamed from the kitchen, "SHUT UP! Just SHUT UP!" I received looks of shock and horror but the arguing stopped. So, there you go. Michelle's mothering at its finest.

Book #2

This is a terrific book for introducing biographies to younger children. We started reading this when the oldest boys were about 5 and 6 years old.

It profiles famous, and ordinary, people and each story is 1-2 pages in length. The perfect amount to share the highlights of their lives and encourage others to stand firm in their faith, follow their convictions, and take action when moved by compassion.

Even now, while we read 200-300 page biographies together, the boys will read this on their own or Dennis will use it as a devotional before bed time. A definite must-read and will end up a must-have!