Transparency - part two

There was a reason ...

I have an infection - cellulitis to be exact. This is the reason I have been having increased and spreading pain. The reason I have had intense body aches, fevers and chills. The reason I have been physically exhausted and unable to do the routine tasks of daily life.

It is nice to have an answer. It is nice to have drugs! (the beauty of modern medicine)

But what has really been amazing these past two weeks, in particular, is the lesson the Lord has taught me. Funny how He used this time, when I had no option but to be still and think. A lot. Could He not have gotten my attention while healthy and bounding about life? ;o)

Ever since my c-section women have been coming out of the woodwork to tell their stories. I had honestly though that c's were no big deal. Women choose them for Pete's sake. How bad could it be?

Now I know - not only from my own experience, but because women have trusted me to share their hearts, their hurts and their struggles after having one themselves. Some women went through 14 hours of labor only to be wheeled into the operating room to finish the job. Some have almost lost their babies. Some have almost lost their own lives. Many had infections and complications following the surgery and several were forced to have c-sections again rather than getting to experience the natural birthing process.

They feel ripped off.
They feel angry.
They feel sad.
They feel alone.
They feel misunderstood.

Did you know there are support groups for women who have had c-sections? This shows how deep the pain can go in a woman's heart. How real the emotion is.

But no one talks about it! Why?!?

Now that I have had a month to process through everything, spend much time thinking and hours in prayer I have come to understand that the Lord had real purpose in taking me through this experience. Not only did I learn a ton about myself ~ my pride and expectations to name a couple ~ but I know I am going to have the privilege to minister to countless women in the future. I will "get it". I will understand. I will empathize. I will be able to listen.

I know this because God did the same when we lost Matthew. I knew, sitting in the hospital bed, that it had to be bigger than just us losing our son. There had to be more. There had to be a way to bring glory to God and honor our son. And the Lord has proven faithful to show us the "what" time and time again these past three years.

And I know this because a dear friend (you are awesome Becky!) looked me right in the eye and said, "I am so sorry you had to have a c-section". I thought this an odd statement at first but as the days progressed and the emotions and struggle grew, I knew what she meant. And she was the first to call me after my original "transparency" post to say "I am ready to listen. I am ready to hear. I can walk through this with you." Simply because she has been through it herself. She shared her story, her pain, her anger, her realness. And through her vulnerability and honesty, the Lord helped me find peace. And I truly believe that someday, possibly more than once, I will get to be someones Becky. At what an absolute privilege that will be!

Would I have chosen this? No. Would I ever do it again if given the choice? No.

Scripture says, "In EVERYTHING give thanks" and today I am able, willing and glad to say, "Thank you, Lord. I may not always understand. It might take me time to fully surrender and yield to Your will, but I know that You do everything with purpose and perfection and therefore, I TRUST."

Springtime Slipping and Sliding FUN!

Transparency

Yesterday I had three different women ask me how I am doing. Really doing.

After being touched that they asked and actually wanted to hear the answer, I was quite surprised by the emotion that came from me when I was talking about my life over the past few weeks.

I am going to be candid and completely honest, so read at your own risk!

I hated having a c-section. I feel cheated. I feel like I was forced to do something totally unnatural. I feel like the bonding process between my son and I has been totally different because of the surgery. I am frustrated that I am going on a month and I still feel awful, am physically limited and cannot "do life" like I was always able to do after a natural birth.

On Friday, April 24th, I went to my routine weekly appointment and found out Isaiah had flipped over and was literally standing up in my womb. Doctors do not deliver breech babies as it is a high risk and can cause great danger for the baby, including fatality. And since this was my 6th child and my last one came so quickly, they were worried that I could get stuck in an emergency situation where I would have to have an emergency c-section and who knows what complications could arise from that. So, 5 hours later I was lying on an operating table being bisected.

It was not my choice.

It was not in my control.

And I rebelled.

I really struggled that day, up until the very moment I entered the operating room and I argued and cried out to the Lord ... 'This is not natural! This is not how You intended child birth to be. He is not ready. Please do not make me do this. I love labor and delivery ... it is such a precious time and I want to experience it again. What if I never get another chance?"

It was pride. I was not getting my way. And I was mad.

Then I had a dear friend say, "Michelle, think of how many women have died in childbirth ... how many babies have died. You have to do this to protect your child. No, it is not the way it should be but you CAN do this and you will get through it." She was right.

Another friend said, "Michelle, you have now had every birthing experience possible which means that you will now be able to understand, empathize and comfort other women in their time of need because you truly get it." What a blessing to be able to do this!

I am not going to pretend that I was instantly filled with joy and peace and songs of praise, nor do I feel that way all the time now. I still struggle. When I stand up and have a shooting pain in my stomach it frustrates me. When my son will not nurse and I am exhausted and in pain I have to fight against the ugly thoughts in my head.

The Lord has used this experience to humble me ... reminding me that He is MUCH bigger than I am. He has used this experience to teach me about myself, my weaknesses and my need to let others help me. He has used this to draw me to my knees and seek HIS strength, HIS patience, HIS long suffering. I know I am not the only one suffering. There are women who are facing daily challenges that far outweigh my minuscule pain, fatigue etc. I do have perspective and I continually bring Scripture to mind reminding me to "take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." "From the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." "Do everything without arguing or complaining." "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD." And more than anything else, reminding me of the truth that "I can do all things through HIM who strengthens me."

Children change us and my little Isaiah has been used as an instrument of the Lord to radically grab a hold of my mind, body and spirit in his first few weeks of life. Praise God he is alive. Praise God he is healthy. Praise God he is MINE.

PS - part of my motivation in posting this blog is because c-sections/post partum seem to fall into the "taboo" category that women refuse to discuss or be honest about ... we NEED each other ladies - tellng the whole truth and nothing but the truth knowing that your story will always touch the heart and mind of a woman who needs you in that moment.

Feeling inept

Okay. Today my cousin sent me a link to a blog and it took all of 3 minuted of reading it, seeing the photo shots and her lifestyle for me to feel totally, completely, 100% inept at everything I do.

Seriously.

She is gaga googoo over her husband. They fall into each others arms at the end of each day.

Her 6 children are gorgeous and look totally content and perfect.

She is physically without flaw.

Her house is impeccable and full of style and flair.

She is a phenomenal photographer.

She home schools and puts on plays with her kids in period costumes.

She feeds her family healthy foods and has creative moments all day long.

And then there is Michelle.

I love my groom dearly and yet, there are times I look at him and think, "Really?"

My children are cute but never totally content and praising my name all the livelong day.

I am "squishy" and my arms are starting to continue waving goodbye after I have stopped.

My house is clean and attractive (I think) but I will not be called by any magazine to be a feature story for creative style.

My photos are average - nothing to write home about.

I home school and am happy when I do not have to call the principal for a discipline conference call during the day.

I feed my family.

And yet ...

I know that I cannot compare myself to ANYone else because I am ME. God made me unique. He made me exactly who I am. (minus the sin nature of course) And while I am not throwing an old-fashioned Easter banquet that boggles the mind, my kids are happy, healthy, intelligent, and they have hearts that love God.

I cannot compare myself to others because there is ALWAYS going to be some woman, some where, doing it better.

I can strive for more ... I can be challenged to think outside the box and step out of my comfort zone ... I can be encouraged to try something new ...

These are the things I should take away from a blog site that is overwhelming. I do not have to become this woman, but I can see my weaknesses and step up my game and I can remember my strengths and praise God for making me ME!

When two or more are gathered ...

I love praying. I love that the Lord gave us the gift of prayer. I love that we can see tangible evidence of answers to prayer. I love that prayer changes us!

This past week, when my groom was facing giants at work and preparing for battle, my first inclination was to send out a prayer e-mail so he would have support from the church/family as these warriors went before the throne with confidence on his behalf.

And I must say ... we were overwhelmed with the thoughtfulness, commitment, encouragement and friendship bestowed on him during this difficult time.

When we looked at the list of who we sent our prayer requests to and read the names of those who had forwarded it on to their own people to lift Dennis and his situation up in prayer we were blown away. We had over 100 people going before the Lord to seek His wisdom, His grace and His protection for the school and for Dennis ... do you know how incredible that is? And this does not even include the parents/students/faculty/staff who were praying and being supported in prayer by their friends and family.

Literally hundreds of people came together to pray for a school they have no connection to ... to pray for students and teachers they have never met ... to pray for a board they have no understanding of ... how humbling this was!

Prayer is powerful. Prayer is real. Prayer changes things.

And as Micah prayed that evening while the school board was meeting ~ "Lord, whether You protect Dad's school or not, we will still love You!"

Our prayers do not always secure the answer we want, but God is no less God and His goodness and love for us are as deep as the oceans and wider then the universe. He is bigger than anything we face and NOTHING is too difficult for Him!

Thank You, Lord, for the gift of prayer. Thank You for the privilege of being able to come directly to You to make known our requests and to offer You praise. You are so good and so loving and faithfully forgiving and long suffering. Thank You, Lord, simply for being You. Never changing, never leaving, always true.

How are we to fight?

My husband is currently facing a giant in his career. Over a hundred lives will be affected by the outcome of the battle ahead and it leaves me with the question:

How do we know WHEN to fight?

Scripture is filled with countless examples of proactive, planned, purposeful defense against enemies and those who hated God.

But it is also filled with men and women who obediently and humbly waited on the Lord, trusted Him and allowed Him to work in His own time.

How do we know what we are called to do in OUR moment of war?

Are we to be a Joshua and rally the troops and circle the wall 7 times, blow our trumpets and watch the wall come crumbling down and claim victory in the name of the Lord?

Or are we to be a Daniel and walk calmly into the lion's den trusting that whatever the outcome, the Lord is in control?

Both ways honor the Lord ...

So I guess the answer is PRAYER.
Prayer for God's wisdom which He promises to give generously and without reproof.
Prayer for God's protection over a body of people who are seeking to make a difference in the lives of students.
Prayer for patience.
Prayer for understanding.
And most of all, prayer for the ability to say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" even if the giant wins.

Oh, Lord, may we honor you in our attitude and in our response as we wait to see Your hand work ... as we trust You ... as we humbly acknowledge that you are God and we are not ... You have a purpose and a plan for the future of this school. We praise you, in advance, for what You are about to do.

Creating depth ...

I was recently asked by a friend "How did you learn to ask the deeper questions of people?"

I am usually mocked and made fun of because of my "deep questions." People roll their eyes or say, "Can I get something to eat first?" It does not offend me because I truly WANT to know more about people then their favorite color or how they are decorating their baby's nursery. And I have learned over the years that getting people to open up, share their hearts and show some vulnerability does not "just happen". You have to purposefully draw them out and seek to see inside to discover who they really are.

It takes effort.

I started asking questions when I was in college. I got so tired of the "Hi! How are you?" "Good, how are you?" "Good!" And you're on your way. What was the point? How was either person challenged or encouraged through that exchange?

I actually sat down and made a list of questions that I thought would be good conversation topics ... questions that would tell me about their spiritual walk ... questions that would tell me more about who the person was. And then I carried it around with me! Seriously! I think there were at least 20 different topics and I would whip it out, find one that seemed fitting for the person I was with and VOILA! My deep question asking days were born.

After a while it became totally natural. I did not even think about what I was doing - I just looked straight past the "fluff" and went for the heart and always found something there that was intriguing and interesting and insightful. The most common responses I received back then were "No one has EVER asked me that before!" and "Wow, I had no idea I had all of those thoughts/emotions/ideas inside of me." It was fascinating. To watch someone stop cold in their tracks and see their mind turning as they think through a simple and purposefully placed question ... it changed me. Forever.

We are in too much of a hurry anymore to INVEST in people. It takes TIME and PATIENCE to get to know someone. Only so much can be discovered while shopping at the mall or talking about breastfeeding or sports playoffs. Those things have nothing to do with the HEART.

Who is this person?
Does she love the Lord?
What is she struggling with right now?
What makes her smile?
How can I be an encouragement to her?
How is her marriage? Is she honoring her husband?
How is she feeling as a mom ... inept? Secure? Discouraged? Totally at peace?
What is one of her dreams? If given unlimited freedom, what would she LOVE to do?
What is her favorite memory of her childhood?
How did her own family affect who she became as a woman?
Who is supporting her in life?
Who is challenging her?
How can I be praying specifically for her?

These are the questions that roll through my mind every time I am with someone. Regardless of age, social status, or place in life. EVERYONE needs someone to talk to. EVERYONE needs someone who truly SEES THEM. And everyone needs to know that what they think, what they feel and what they do matters. They are not going unnoticed. They are not invisible. Someone cares. And someone cares enough to ASK.

So I guess that is my answer ... that is the journey I went on to become an asker of deep questions. And do you know, I love it! I learn so many fascinating things about people and see a side of them that few have ever seen. God made each of us unique, blessed us with spiritual gifts to be exercised in obedience, gave us personalities to compliment one another and created us FOR one another. I want to know who that person is!

Scripture says, "The heart of man is deep water and a man of understanding draws it out." I have always desired to be that (wo)man of understanding and I pray the Lord will continue to allow me the privilege of quiet moments when I can sit face to face with someone who is willing to let me draw out the deep riches contained in their heart, mind and soul. Truly, there are few greater joys in life than treasuring the heart of another.